What If I Really Liked Myself?

“Concern yourself not with what is right and what is wrong but with what is important.” ~Unknown

Of all my friends, Facebook and otherwise, I personally do not know anyone who, after all is said and done, is not interested in increasing their self-esteem.

We all want to feel good about ourselves. It’s the root of pretty much everything. I remember when I lived in a dorm with a bunch of guys. I would be endlessly entertained by the amount of time some of my friends spent in the mirror. Primping. Adjust everything so it was just so. Interesting when you already have a crew cut.

I’ve not been a mirror-friendly person. I’m not happy with the way I look (too fat), don’t spend any time primping – usually keep my hair cut short (no fuss, no muss and it works well with my convertible) and dress like someone on skid row. I think there is an iron in the house somewhere, but doubt I could quickly lay my hands on it.

My vanity (such as it is) is of the interior sort and I am more concerned about appearing intellectual, bright and sarcastically witty. So I’ll cognitively primp. But just like my buddies with the muscles and tans in the dorm mirrors, I want to feel good about myself too. I want the kind of self-esteem that says, “I’m worth it”. Or, “I matter” or “Listen to me, I have value.”

I sure don’t always live as if that’s the case. The number one way I sabotage that is the long held tendency I have of responding, “That’s OK” when people disappoint me or don’t keep their commitments to something we’ve agreed to do. It’s as if being liked by them is more important than recognizing that we had a commitment. When I say, “I understand.” (And often I do), it’s not far off from saying “I don’t matter.” (And I often do.)

I suspect at some slightly deeper psychological level this is my way of validating, to myself that I really don’t matter. Or that I don’t “esteem” myself as much as I esteem keep up a superficial relationship with you (superficial because I am not being honest with you that I am pissed off that you missed our lunch date or whatever) – or that perhaps my commitment to avoiding discomfort by way of confrontation trumps my commitment to being honest. Any of these? All of these? I just throw them into the mix and see what shakes up.

What Is Self-Esteem?

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, self-esteem is a confidence and satisfaction in oneself or self respect.

For many of us, we are so insecure that in order for us to feel that our answers and perspectives are right and that our point of view is legitimate, we need people to agree with us and our way of thinking. This is the root of the pushy Christian stuff we so often joke about.

As we become more mature, we learn over the years was that it is okay for other people to have different points of view, and if I truly believe something is right, in general or right for me, it does not matter what others think. We learn to not rely only on what others think. That doesn’t mean we can’t take in their feedback and perspectives – it’s healthy and necessary that we do. It just means that we can still think what we think.

Some tips to increasing and maintaining Self-Esteem.

•                Know your values. Determine what’s really important to you. Bring this knowledge to conscious attention.

•                Know when you have an internal conflict between values.

•                Walk the talk. Try to make sure you have integration between your values and actions.

•                Learn how to give things up. Ask yourself, “What am I really willing to sacrifice?” If you want to start a new career, maybe you need to learn to let other things go. And if you do decide to give things up, do it without feeling bad about it or feeling guilty. It is a decision you have every right to make.

•                See yourself as a unique person who has many resources, skills and gifts. I don’t care who you are – you have all of the above.

•                Use the words: “I choose to_______” instead of helpless phrases like “I can’t because_________” or “I am like this because of_________”. You have a choice. You decide the circumstances.

•                Listen to the voices in your head that give you a litany of excuses why you can’t do something. Those voices don’t want change. They want to keep the status quo. Evict them. Richard Bach writes, “Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they’re yours.”

•                Be authentic and be assertive. If you don’t want to do something, say you don’t want to do it. The interesting thing is that other people will respect you MORE than if you commit to something, waffle around, and then do a half-baked job. And you will respect yourself more. (That’s the most important part!)

•                Don’t beat around the bush. If something is important, go for it.

•                Visualize and plan. Know what you want and plan for it.

Be clear that the reason we do anything is because we want to and because it serves us in some way. If you’re in a relationship that’s way past it’s shelf-life, and the relationship is longer doing anything but draining you – you can continue to choose to be a martyr (although it’s still really hard to get canonized as a Saint so don’t count on that) or you can recognize that by letting go, you’re being authentic to both you and the other person – opening up a new space so you can both move on.


Likewise, don't feel bad about asking for what you want. The reality is that people will say "Yes" or "No" based on what serves them best. If they say "Yes" and rely mean "No" - your self-esteem doesn't have to take a hit because they can't be authentic. It's not about you. 


What can we do today to like ourselves a little more. Not the "I'm so wonderful and you're not..." kind of like, but the kind of like that would allow us to go into a restaurant, by ourselves, order lunch and simply enjoy our own company. That's not asking too much...