On Getting It - Today

“In the long run we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving.” -Sheldon Kopp

The subject of getting and giving has been high on my mind the past couple of weeks as I'm transitioning out of the job I've had for the past couple of years and beginning to look for something new. A lot of my thinking has revolved around how happy I'll be when my future (or least immediate financial future) is a little more settled and on stable ground. I have to remind myself that maybe I'm missing the point. 

My friend and former pastor Mary Manin Morrissey wrote this in an email the other day:

“Every so often, I am reminded of the Thornton Wilder play, "Our Town," where Emily has passed on to the next realm.  She is given the opportunity to relive one day of her life, and she chooses her twelfth birthday.  From the higher realm, she views her life as she was at twelve.

Emily comes down the stairs of the house where she was raised and her family is all busy doing what they do.  The kids are playing, her father is doing his thing and her mother is in the kitchen cooking.   There’s the smell of the coffee, the sound of the toast being buttered and the laughter all around. There are flowers in the yard with the sun shining through -- it’s a little bit misty and she just sees life happening.

She asks, Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? - every, every minute?"

The Narrator responds, “No, not really. Saints and poets perhaps. Sometimes.”

What a great question to ask ourselves. Do I really recognize how wonderful my life is while I’m living the minute-to-minute daily grind?

I suspect if you’re like me (and perhaps the majority of us) you don’t live in that appreciation. It might occur in glimmers or glimpses now and then, especially if something wonderful or cool happens, but on the days when we deal with the routine trials, tribulations and junk, on the days when we have to do the laundry and gas up the car – we don’t feel that our life is very wonderful.

What’s odd (to me) is that we cling so tightly to our resistance to whatever is happening. It fascinates me how often we focus on what’s happening that we don’t like rather than the sparkles of good dusted through our day. We even rationalize our clinging with a fear that tells us to hold on for dear life or something else bad might happen. We don’t want things to get worse.

Fear tells us to cling to the people we love so that we will not lose them. Fear tells us not to share what we have or else we might not have enough. Fear tells us not to spend any money because we might need what we give up.

Fear is the voice that says, “Don’t let go,” but it’s only when we release and free our arms that we’re ready to receive. It’s only when we empty the cup that we can put something new into it - It’s only when we release our tight, deathlike grasp on our idea that things should be different than how they are, that we can recognize the smell of coffee brewing, or flowers, or the sunlight filtering through the trees in the yard. And appreciate those things for the wonders they are.

It’s not because giving always equals getting – a cosmic tit-for-tat - It’s because we generally don’t open ourselves to what might be, to potentials -  when we’re cowering in fear, tightly clutching our ideas about what should be…or how things should be different. 

There is always going to be the possibility of loss. Some risks don’t pay off, and there’s no way to get around that. But the only way to get to the ones that do pay off is to decide the possibility is worth the risk – give right now a chance. You might be amazed at what you get.

What If I Really Liked Myself?

“Concern yourself not with what is right and what is wrong but with what is important.” ~Unknown

Of all my friends, Facebook and otherwise, I personally do not know anyone who, after all is said and done, is not interested in increasing their self-esteem.

We all want to feel good about ourselves. It’s the root of pretty much everything. I remember when I lived in a dorm with a bunch of guys. I would be endlessly entertained by the amount of time some of my friends spent in the mirror. Primping. Adjust everything so it was just so. Interesting when you already have a crew cut.

I’ve not been a mirror-friendly person. I’m not happy with the way I look (too fat), don’t spend any time primping – usually keep my hair cut short (no fuss, no muss and it works well with my convertible) and dress like someone on skid row. I think there is an iron in the house somewhere, but doubt I could quickly lay my hands on it.

My vanity (such as it is) is of the interior sort and I am more concerned about appearing intellectual, bright and sarcastically witty. So I’ll cognitively primp. But just like my buddies with the muscles and tans in the dorm mirrors, I want to feel good about myself too. I want the kind of self-esteem that says, “I’m worth it”. Or, “I matter” or “Listen to me, I have value.”

I sure don’t always live as if that’s the case. The number one way I sabotage that is the long held tendency I have of responding, “That’s OK” when people disappoint me or don’t keep their commitments to something we’ve agreed to do. It’s as if being liked by them is more important than recognizing that we had a commitment. When I say, “I understand.” (And often I do), it’s not far off from saying “I don’t matter.” (And I often do.)

I suspect at some slightly deeper psychological level this is my way of validating, to myself that I really don’t matter. Or that I don’t “esteem” myself as much as I esteem keep up a superficial relationship with you (superficial because I am not being honest with you that I am pissed off that you missed our lunch date or whatever) – or that perhaps my commitment to avoiding discomfort by way of confrontation trumps my commitment to being honest. Any of these? All of these? I just throw them into the mix and see what shakes up.

What Is Self-Esteem?

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, self-esteem is a confidence and satisfaction in oneself or self respect.

For many of us, we are so insecure that in order for us to feel that our answers and perspectives are right and that our point of view is legitimate, we need people to agree with us and our way of thinking. This is the root of the pushy Christian stuff we so often joke about.

As we become more mature, we learn over the years was that it is okay for other people to have different points of view, and if I truly believe something is right, in general or right for me, it does not matter what others think. We learn to not rely only on what others think. That doesn’t mean we can’t take in their feedback and perspectives – it’s healthy and necessary that we do. It just means that we can still think what we think.

Some tips to increasing and maintaining Self-Esteem.

•                Know your values. Determine what’s really important to you. Bring this knowledge to conscious attention.

•                Know when you have an internal conflict between values.

•                Walk the talk. Try to make sure you have integration between your values and actions.

•                Learn how to give things up. Ask yourself, “What am I really willing to sacrifice?” If you want to start a new career, maybe you need to learn to let other things go. And if you do decide to give things up, do it without feeling bad about it or feeling guilty. It is a decision you have every right to make.

•                See yourself as a unique person who has many resources, skills and gifts. I don’t care who you are – you have all of the above.

•                Use the words: “I choose to_______” instead of helpless phrases like “I can’t because_________” or “I am like this because of_________”. You have a choice. You decide the circumstances.

•                Listen to the voices in your head that give you a litany of excuses why you can’t do something. Those voices don’t want change. They want to keep the status quo. Evict them. Richard Bach writes, “Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they’re yours.”

•                Be authentic and be assertive. If you don’t want to do something, say you don’t want to do it. The interesting thing is that other people will respect you MORE than if you commit to something, waffle around, and then do a half-baked job. And you will respect yourself more. (That’s the most important part!)

•                Don’t beat around the bush. If something is important, go for it.

•                Visualize and plan. Know what you want and plan for it.

Be clear that the reason we do anything is because we want to and because it serves us in some way. If you’re in a relationship that’s way past it’s shelf-life, and the relationship is longer doing anything but draining you – you can continue to choose to be a martyr (although it’s still really hard to get canonized as a Saint so don’t count on that) or you can recognize that by letting go, you’re being authentic to both you and the other person – opening up a new space so you can both move on.


Likewise, don't feel bad about asking for what you want. The reality is that people will say "Yes" or "No" based on what serves them best. If they say "Yes" and rely mean "No" - your self-esteem doesn't have to take a hit because they can't be authentic. It's not about you. 


What can we do today to like ourselves a little more. Not the "I'm so wonderful and you're not..." kind of like, but the kind of like that would allow us to go into a restaurant, by ourselves, order lunch and simply enjoy our own company. That's not asking too much...

On Being Happy Today

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” -Eckhart Tolle, from The Power Of Now

I’ve written before on the contingency mentality. That state of mind where we’re waiting for something to happen so we can be happy. I’ll be happy when _____ (fill in the blank). We grow up with that mindset – it’s always whatever is coming up down the road that’s going to do it for us. Being eight (not seven), getting into high school, out of high school, first car, date, love, job, etc., etc. Those milestones come and go and somehow whoever we were before, persists into our new bliss. In fact, there is no bliss because a little bit after the novelty of whatever we were looking forward to happens, we’re back to our usual self.

I have a lot of friends who are in prison doing time. Prison isn’t an especially fun place to be (although it can have its moments) and “getting out” is big on the minds of most people. ‘I’ll be happy when I get out…” is a pretty standard line, or certainly a very standard train of thought. So people get out and guess what? Yep. Not happy (after an amazingly short time) then either.

Wassup with that?

It’s really hard for us to get that “This is It!” Right now. Life is happening. This moment is happening. Because this moment is so, normal. Isn’t life about the special moments?

I had my (most dramatic) awakening in the spring of 1994. The seeds had been planted, but I didn’t really get it until one day when I was sitting on the edge of my bunk in an Eastern Oregon prison cell - looking at the late-afternoon sunlight creating a very focused beam of light onto the floor. In that beam there were perhaps thousands of little dust particles dancing – the light refracting every which way. I remember much about the moment. Perhaps the most overwhelming and vivid memory was how beautiful the dust particles were. And how effortlessly they danced and played in the light. And how grateful I was to be able to see that beauty. And how it didn’t matter where I was, or how unlikely the event was – or how deep and intense the feelings of gratitude were, or really anything else. I was awakened and fully present. And aware that the moment in question was the only moment that existed.

You might not think to compare beloved children’s writer Dr. Seuss to spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, but there’s a common message about happiness in both their works: We can only experience joy through action in the now, not by waiting to get it some day, when everything works out and makes sense. Or when everything is in order, or the planets line up – or we get out of prison (or someone we love does). Either we have it now – get it now – or we don’t. Because the Now is the only thing that exists.

From Dr. Seuss’ Oh the Places You Will Go:

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

He then writes: No! That’s not for you!

But I’m going to alter that slightly since we’re all adults now. That very well might be you. I know that it’s been me. I know that each day I push against a life-long inclination to postpone my happiness until; well until the stars line up in the way I think they should.

I’ve waited for the right time to make a change, the ideal time to tell someone how I feel, the safest time to try something new, and the easiest time to take care of myself. Because I did astrology professionally for a while in my life – I actually check the moon-phases in the paper. Deep down though – I know. I know this is it. Right now, right this minute. All there is and al there ever will be.

The only problem is that it rarely feels right, ideal, safe, or easy to say what we want to say, or take the risk we know we are capable of taking. We frame our fear in ways that are merely excuses to let the moment slip away. And it does. Over and over again until they have run out. Check the obituary section of the paper. Look at the photos. Experience the moments that have run out.

“One who is content with what one has is always happy.” ~Chinese Proverb

Too many people think, “I’ll be able to start enjoying life once I get __________________.” Don’t put it off for tomorrow or next month.

This moment is a chance to do something differently, no matter how small it may seem. Every big change starts with one small choice. Consider making today’s small choice the choice to be happy.

On Doing What We Love

“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it however.” [Richard Bach, Illusions]

A while back (think 1990’s) I read a wonderful book by Marsha Sinetar; Do What You Love And The Money Will Follow, There’s a rare few who start with a trust fund or a nice nest egg. They are gifted with the financial security to follow their passion, so the daily worries of how the bills will be paid aren’t really a concern. That doesn’t apply to most of us. So is that advice just helpful or apropos to the wealthy? I think not. 

It’s not always easy to do what you love for a career, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. It can be challenging, frustrating, and sometimes scary to discover your word and put your heart into it–and let’s face it, some people have greater advantages than others. The only response to this is “So what?”

That being said, we all have the same time in our days, and we all have choices to make. And, time to throw in one of my favorite quotes here, “Just because what’s so is so, it’s also ‘So What?’” Whatever impediments exist only because we allow them to exist, or, because we define them as impediments.

A couple of thoughts on doing what you love; First – there is the clear implication that you know what it is you love. It’s so helpful when wanting to move towards a certain direction or goal, to have a direction or goal in mind. It reminds me a little of wanting to run to the grocery store at night to pick up a quick snack. Where I live, there are three really great groceries within two miles (and Costco, but no quick trips there…) So, when I pull the car out of the garage and head out, I’ve got to know which of the grocery stores I want to go to. While I know I want a snack (motivation), and am familiar with all the places I can go to address that (choice), I need to pick one and aim the car in that direction. That’s the only thing that will end up in result.

But for some people that’s hard to do. The motivation part isn’t hard, but they get stuck in the choices.

It’s like saying to oneself, “I’m not happy with the way things are right now, but I’m not sure what will fix it…” You gotta do some diagnostics.

A lot of the diagnostics starts with changing one’s thinking. AA/NA tradition has a wonderful saying, “Think what you’ve always thought and you’ll get what you always got…” so becoming aware of how we think about our lives is part of the process of figuring out what is going to really charge our batteries.

So many of us focus on what we don’t want, that we forget how powerfully we are attracted and drawn to what we do want. Our choices become more a process of aversion to what we don’t want, than an attraction to what we do want. We are drawn to the very things we fear (and those things are drawn to us), because that’s where we focus our thinking.

Back to the grocery store – I don’t want to go to New Seasons because it’s so expensive. OK Fine. Don’t go there…but more effective to identify where you do want go – and get it done.

It’s easy in the process to get swamped by all the things that are wrong, or to feel frozen by the perceived impediments in our path. Many of these are self-imposed limitations, or mind-sets and belief systems other people have tried to super-impose on us and we’ve bought into it.

It’s curious how when someone says we can’t do something, or that it’s unlikely we’ll succeed – the part of us that is insecure, or questions our abilities is so quick to agree. We don’t have to live like that – and when we do live like that, it doesn’t serve any useful good whatsoever.

So, time to count the little successes. It may also come to pass that if we take the risk to follow our bliss, happiness comes not only in the result – but in the journey to reach the result. And, we’re already on that journey. How cool is that?