The Gift of Disappointment

“Disappointments are to the soul what the thunder-storm is to the air” Friedrich von Schiller

For many of us, disappointment is one of life’s most uncomfortable feelings. It’s complex, containing a subset of other emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and many others too subtle to identify. It’s also a familiar zone for many of us. A discomfort zone. Life happens and some things don’t go our way, so disappointment is a natural process. What’s more concerning is our tendency to set things up so that we’ll feel disappointed. A pattern of self-sabotage. Or, the curious tendency to feel disappointed in advance. Before the fact as it were.

Marianne Wiliamson, in her book, “Return To Love”, wrote this:

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

Beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be

Brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous.

 

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the World.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others. 

Our deepest fear is that we are inadequate. How many times throughout the process of our growing up are we told what we can’t do rather than what we can? Sometimes this is a blatant statement, like, “You’ll never amount to anything…” and sometimes it’s more subtle such as the implication that you need something outside of yourself in order to achieve your life goal or dream. So we set our selves up for disappointment because (we tell ourselves) we don’t want to be surprised when things don’t turn out our way.

A friend and mentor of mine, Gordon Graham, writes “we don’t get what we want, we get what we expect.” More and more I see the wisdom of how that is true.

Recently, in working with some coaching clients – we’ve talked about some strategies for dealing with disappointments.

1. Let it out.

One of the hardest things to do in a world where everything is immediate—we are all under external pressure, and time is a scarce resource—is to just let yourself experience a feeling.

In our world the news is big for fifteen or twenty minutes and then it’s on to something else. The same dynamic seems to apply to interpersonal relationships. We share something, the other person responds (hopefully appropriately) and then it’s on to something else. Either because we’re uncomfortable sitting with the feeling for a little while, or the other person loses interest (or we think they do.) Be conscious of this. If you’re not ready, don’t move on.

Children (in my limited experiene) will tantrum and cry and scream, or laugh until it runs out and they are genuinely ready to move on.

I’m not suggesting we lock ourselves away for weeks at a time whenever we have been disappointed, but to be aware of any sense of obligation to “just get over it.” When you’re ready, you’re ready. Set your own time table.

However, don’t make the process of dealing with these emotions a career. In the wonderful movie Chocolat, there is an old woman in the village who wears the black of deep mourning. She apparently lost her husband in the war?

“What”, asks Vianne, “That was fifteen years ago?” (The film is set in 1960)

“No”, comes the response, “The First war.”

There is a point where it is time to move on. Know that and honor it.

2. Get a perspective.

Another way of saying this is to take a step back and be a witness. Watch what’s happening inside of you, and out. Notice what expectations you had or created that led you to feeling disappointed. Ask yourself if those were fair, or realistic. (It’s important not to term your expectations “right” or “wrong”). Your expectations were what they were and there is nothing helpful in judging them.

If someone who matters to me forgets my birthday I may feel disappointed, but I really need to ask myself if I communicated effectively that remembering my birthday was important to me, and then provided the details. Not to just assume that anyone who cares about me should know those things (not to mention what to buy). That’s an unreasonable expectation. You are free to feel disappointed but, well, you sort of set it up. Know that.

Having a broader perspective than your own view on a particular situation is always helpful. The critical point here is that you have to mean it.

3. Understand Conditionality.

I am a realist, which means that I know most relationships are self-serving. It’s about me and getting my needs met. I can use all the romantic bull-shit I want about loving the other person – but that kind of higher level of connectivity doesn’t come easily. My agenda is numero-uno…although to be fair, it’s about making sure that numero-uno is the kind of person who enjoys caring about other people and connecting with them. Not someone who cares or connects out of a sense of guilt or responsibility.

This is difficult to grasp, but it is the only way we can offer unconditional love – when we are unconditional about what the other does, because all the conditions, expectations, etc., reside with us, not them. You don’t make me happy; I choose to be happy (or not). That perspective makes it very hard to be disappointed, at least for very long.

I would like to always try to choose to act with love and kindness towards others, rather than with negativity. I make that choice because it feels right for me, not because I’m especially concerned about what other people think about it.

4. Practice acceptance (or “Let Whatever Happens be OK)”.

One of my previous blogs was “Let whatever happens be OK”. That doesn’t mean you don’t have preferences, or that you don’t care what happens. It means that you have some detachment to the outcome, and that your well being isn’t tied to a situation that has already gone south. If it’s happened the focus isn’t on what’s happened (since it’s already happened and there’s nothing you can do about that). The focus is on your response to what’s happening – and there’s plenty you can do about that!

Practicing acceptance doesn’t have to mean you like or approve of something, it means that you have to recognize that it simply already is – and that wishing the situation or circumstance were somehow different isn’t going to be helpful or constructive in any way.

Our playing small doesn’t serve the world. We are capable of handling a lot – so what would life look like if we set ourselves up for winning instead of losing? Knowing, of course, that we could do either. It’s not an easy shift for many of us, but – don’t you agree, well worth a try?