“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it however.” Richard Bach, Illusions.
There was a point in my life when I learned that some dreams are actually avoidance tactics, and some discouragement is a very good thing.
One of the classes I often teach in the workshops I lead is called “Understanding Our Contingency Mentality - or I’ll be Happy When…” We start this very early in life. I remember thinking, “I’ll be happy when I learn to ride my bicycle…” That was a big thing to me. My grandparents were very generous (sometimes) and bought my sister and I nice bikes. We lived at their wonderful old house on Meadow Street in Demarest, NJ then, and there was a nice sloping grade to the street from the top of the hill by my cousin Lois Wilke’s house, down to the bottom of the street where it intersected with Piermont Road. At some point I was able to make the trip down. It was a huge event. My first dream realized. Yea me!
My happiness was contingent on that little achievement. Pretty soon the bike stuff was old hat and I had moved on. Now my happiness was contingent on being in the band in the fourth grade, or being friends with John Benadetto, or moving back to Miles Street in Alpine, or hanging out with my favorite neighbor Ronnie Ludwig, or learning to play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, or making it to high school, getting a part in the school play, becoming Student Council President, and on and on and on…
I’ll be happy when….(fill in the blank) – which means, at least to a lot of us, that I’m not completely happy now. And, if I’m not completely happy now – there’s a restlessness that leads to always wanting to have, or be something or somewhere else. Kind of a strange way to live life – and really hard to find any sense of serenity or peace.
We spend an awful lot of time chasing things in life, and this isn’t inherently bad. We need to have things to visualize, strive for, and create, both for ourselves and for the world we share together. It’s only when we make our present wellbeing dependent on those things that we run the risk of missing out on what’s really cool right now. Ram Dass wrote, “Be Here Now…” And we need to be, here now.
In this process of learning about our tendency to live in a contingency mentality, I also learned that sometimes the goals we set have nothing to do with what we really want, and everything to do with what we think we need or should have. Or, that someone has told us we should have. I have long been a great example of this – if I get something cool, it isn’t too long before I want something cooler. Last Fall I bought a beautiful silver Mercedes Benz CLK 430 Convertible – but it wasn’t too long before I was looking at the Mercedes SL500’s, even though my service advisor (love ya Syd!) assures me that the car I have is a better deal, mechanically and financially, than a SL, notoriously prone to costly temperament issues.
The car, (and the culmination of a long line of cars – but that might be the topic for another blog) is only one of dozens of similar examples in my life. I am so blessed, I have a wonderful place to live, food and stuff galore, and , of course, the Benz…but there’s that restlessness…if only...
So, apparently my restlessness has nothing to do with anything that has wheels, or even anything that plugs in…or any toys at all. My restlessness, I have determined, has to do with my avoidance of self. It’s that sense that I’m not OK just as I am – but if I have this, or that…I’ll be fine. That somehow those things will make me feel fine or at least better. That somehow my feeling fine (or even better) is contingent on something outside of myself. That my happiness depends on something I own (or, someone I am in a relationship with) or something that may happen, someday, somewhere…seriously? Why do I think that?
The only answer is that have been trained to think that way. The contingency mentality is a cultural norm. We’ll be happy when…although sadly, “when” never really comes.
I get a lot of email stuff about “realizing your dreams”, or “creating your dreams”, or “moving towards your dreams” – “opening up to your dreams”, blah, blah, blah…and I think it’s fine to have a vision of what you want to move towards. It’s great to have dreams. No doubt about it. We can only build a house (or a life) if we have some kind of blueprint. But I am learning to draw the line at making my present happiness contingent on whatever is going to happen. Why not be happy now. Why not affirm to myself, “this and that…” Why not enjoy the journey as much as the destination.
There will always be someone else who thinks they know what’s right for you. If you’re too scared to define what floats your boat, you can trust that someone else will. There will always be someone trying to sell you something, whether it’s a new Benz, or the idea that so-and-so is going to be the bees-knees in terms of making you really happy. There may even be a part of you that feeds you the line that you’ll only be happy when…(fill in the blank). Don’t buy it. Figuratively, or literally.
Take the time to look within and identify what you really want to do with your time—not some day after you’ve succeeded, or achieved but right now, because that is succeeding. Take the time to examine who you want to be now…and recognize how are already are that person. It’s already within you.
There’s a funny cosmic dynamic that the more gratitude you have for your present life, the more rich your future life has the potential to become. And, I don’t just mean financially. Be blessed. Recognize you are blessed now.
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