“…Although I can not see it with my eyes, I trust that the Current knows where it’s going, so I am going to let go…” Richard Bach, Illusions; The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
I love to be in control – I’m really good at saying I don’t care about it, or that I like to “let go and let god” or any number of other similar affirmations, but the reality is I like control. It helps me to feel safe. The unfamiliar is scary. Better a known than an unknown. You get the picture.
I’ll give myself some credit. I’m doing better. Years ago when I worked at Centerpointe Research (the meditation company), I used to be a total tidy freak – to the point of having to straighten up my co-workers desks after they left (I was usually the last to leave because along with other issues, I was dealing being a workaholic). Amazingly, people came to resent my helpfulness. Can you imagine?
Anyway, one day the boss called me into his office to talk to me about it. He suggested that I consider upgrading my “need” for things to be tidy and neat to a “preference” that things be tidy and neat. See, the difference is important. When we need something to be a certain way, our emotional state, balance and general well-being depend on something outside of us – something we may not have a great deal of control over. In other words, very possibly stuff we can do nothing about. When we “prefer” things be a certain way – we still have the preference for tidiness, certainty or whatever – but our well being isn’t contingent on it – which is a big difference. Certainly we’re happier when things are tidy or organized, but we don’t make ourselves crazy, sick or psycho when things aren’t the way we want them to be. See the difference?
Wow, great insight Bill (Bill always had interesting things to say and a great perspective on stuff…I learned so much from him).
I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Or, trying to make them happen. Or wishing for them to happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this. I get bitchy and frustrated (hard to believe, I know). But, becoming conscious of what we need to change in our lives is the first step to change – so that’s a positive.
Another blogger wrote, “Like most humans I know, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The baby’s business, my friends’ business, Mother Nature’s business.” And this tends to reflect me too. But, again, the point is becoming conscious of how we are being – and evaluating how helpful it is to us in the long term. Not judging in terms of good/bad – but helpful/non-helpful, or perhaps resourceful/non-resourceful. Then taking our cues about change from whatever it is we figure out. Helpful stuff stays. Non-helpful stuff gets jettisoned.
As a recovering control freak, there are three things I know for sure about trying to control things:
1. We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t. Or, more simply put, control is rooted in fear. This is always and everywhere the case. No exceptions.
2. Control is also a result of being attached to a specific outcome—an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we always know what’s best.
When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micro-manage the universe. We let go. And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that aren’t there when we’re attached to one “right” path. (Read this twice – it’s really important).
3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.
Back in '89 my friend Cam Molter lent me a book called The Path Of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life By Robery Fritz – it was a wonderful introduction to the idea that it takes less energy to go with the stream than to swim against it. Why is it we have to be reminded of stuff like that? Seriously?
I suspect it’s slightly different for everyone, but here’s what ‘control mode’ looks and feels like for me: My vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.
My mind shifts from topic to topic and from past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and almost no present-moment awareness.
In surrender mode, I’m calm, peaceful. Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.
So the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control. When I’m micro-managing and obsessing over details, I know I’m in my own way.
The Art of Surrender
Surrender literally means to stop fighting. Stop fighting with yourself. Stop fighting the universe and the natural flow of things. Stop resisting and pushing against reality. (Check out my blog, “Let whatever happens be OK)
This is important - It’s not about inaction. It’s about taking action from that that place of surrender energy. Identifying what you actually can do something about, whether it’s an external circumstance (finish whatever project is bothering you) or reframe mentally in a way that doesn’t include guilt.
If letting go of control and surrendering not only feel better, but actually produces better results, how do we do that?
Sometimes it’s as easy as noticing that you’re in control mode and choosing to let go—consciously and deliberately shifting into surrender energy.
For example, when I become aware that I’m in control mode, I imagine that I’m in a small canoe paddling upstream, against the current. It’s hard. It’s a fight. That’s what control mode feels like to me.
When I choose to let go and surrender, I visualize the boat turning around, me dropping the oars, and floating downstream.
I’m being gently pulled, no effort necessary on my part. Simply breathing and saying, “Let go of the oars” is usually enough to get me there.
Sometimes it’s a little harder to make the shift from control to surrender. Here are a few questions that can help:
1. What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?
When you pinpoint the fear, question its validity. If the dining room doesn't get dusted, or the stairs vacuumed or the garage floor cleaned - is life really over? If any of those things don't get done - will the sun still come out tomorrow? (I'm thinking "yes").
2. Find out whose business you’re in.
Your business is the realm of things that you can directly influence. Are you there? Or are you in someone else’s business? When we’re trying to control things outside of our own business, it’s not going to go well.
3. Consider this: Would letting go feel like freedom?
It almost always would. Let that feeling of freedom guide you toward loosening your grip.
A Friendly Universe
Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” This is a core belief – our default operating system (like MAC or Windows) and it is essential to our well being and worldview that we understand what we believe at this.
I believe in a friendly, supportive, loving universe. I believe that the universe conspires to have cool things happen to me – even if the way it goes about it isn’t always direct (like just winning the lottery and being done with it). I know not everyone thinks this.
Being receptive and allowing things to happen is a skill that can be practiced and improved upon. It really helps to believe in a friendly universe—one that is supporting you at every turn so that you don’t have to worry yourself over the details. The Universe has your back.
We can always choose to do things the easy way or the hard way. We can muscle through, or we can let go of the oars and let the current carry us downstream. The decision exists for you in this moment, and this moment only - the only now there is is NOW. Hold the intention of what you want, then release it…even if you have to practice doing that a thousand times.
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