“You only lose what you cling to.” [Buddha]
I cling to my identity as a fat person like some people cling to a life preserver. From the time I was a kid, when my dad un-generously pointed out that I was “fat” it has become an identity for me. Not just an identify, but a refuge of sorts. Kind of a haunted house where I can retreat whenever I needed to…which up to just a few years ago was often.
In looking back over old yearbook and school photos – I was a big kid, but not a fat kid…at least from a physical standpoint, but for the longest time I let my dad set my internal script and, to a greater degree than I would frankly like to admit, the self-image that went along with that script – objective, phenomenological reality aside, what I saw when I looked in the mirror, was a fat kid.
So, along with the image of a kid who was fat – I made some mental associations about being fat – like not having willpower, or not making good choices, especially when it came to health related issues. Physical fitness? Not even. Walking around Costco shopping counts as exercise. Food choices? Pleeeze…the hamburger and fries work just fine.
As I went through school I didn’t really have the problems other fat kids seemed to have. I made friends, participated in lots of stuff (other than sports) had the lead in plays, became Student Council President my senior year, Boys State, Model United Nations, etc., etc. I played music at a fairly serious level and that helped, but really it was an attitude of caring about others that seemed to connect me to people. They looked past my slightly overweight stature to something that really was big, my heart.
Others were able to see past the weight. In fact, they really didn’t seem to see it at all. Me? Not so much. I might as well been made of mashed potatoes. My rationale of the weight has increased in scope and grandeur along with my academic progress and pretentiousness. “The weight represents a barrier between the world and my inner self.” I smugly tell myself. “It’s a psychological protective mechanism.”
Or… “The weight is a boundary demarcation between me and other people. I have long standing intimacy issues – I love it when people open up to me, and I can connect very deeply with them on some levels, as long as I feel in control of how the relationship is going to go – and mostly as long as I am in the giving role not the receiving role. Because, at some level my abandonment issues (again, “Thanks Dad”) will kick in and my fear will become terrible and need to be medicated (with food)".
Now, since my (three) cancer experiences and heart attack, being overweight is a form of slow suicide. I know that the extra weight is a terrible strain on my heart, and my lungs –and it’s painfully (no pun intended) obvious from my breathing when doing something simple like walking up stairs.
Or, maybe the weight is a way of getting back at my Dad for being absent (and that’s the nicest thing he was) – since it apparently embarrassed him to have a son who wasn’t in tip-top shape. Since he’s been dead since 1975 do I really need to worry about getting back at him? I doubt he cares at this point what I look like. Seriously.
Blah…blah…blah – lots of stuff I can tell myself, or you - at all kinds of different levels. In fact, I am rather proud of the fact that I can approach the topic from a multitude of perspectives. Sad that it’s all varying degrees of bullshit.
What I’m beginning to think is really the issue is that I’m really attached to an image of myself – and the emphasis of my current thinking isn’t on what the image it is, but on the attachment itself.
I’d like to think that I’m evolving – and that I am more free to admit my desires and let go of clinging to any image of myself that’s out of sync with those desires. I like to eat. I enjoy food. I don’t mentally berate myself because I love cars and indulge in a Mercedes convertible - why create the drama, internal or otherwise, that somehow I’m a bad person or a failure because I enjoy food. A lot.
How liberating to be able to be honest about ourselves without judgment—to have a self-image that’s realistic, not idealistic.
I still think (and talk) about food and sometimes I can uncover some unhealthy habits around eating. But rather than expressing judgment about it, it’s more helpful to me to acknowledge those desires and explore them. See where there’s room to negotiate with myself.
There are always foods or habits that I will feel guilty about. Carbohydrates are my downfall. French fries? Bliss. How can that a desire be indulged mindfully.
There can be so much stress around denying a desire.
I’m beginning to think that the stress of not doing something is more harmful than just doing it with mindfulness and then letting it go. How much joy can be found in savoring a small piece of chocolate and/or a glass of wine unencumbered by guilt!
Nothing takes the auto-pilot out of an action like mindfulness.
I’m not talking about indulging addictions, just simple desires. Maybe it’s coffee, maybe it’s ice cream, or potato chips. For everyone it’s something different to feel guilty about. Enough with the guilt already.
With mindfulness, sometimes the desires can be seen as acts of rebellion. So many times we crave things that are self-destructive just to be rebellious. Like a teenager. Then we feel guilty afterward. Each of my three "dad's" valued physical activity and my eating may have been a statement along the lines of; "would you please just accept me the way I am..."
I don’t want to feel guilty or be in denial, I just want to make conscious choices. About everything. And, I want to be conscious about my attachments...even to wanting to be conscious.
When I allow myself to admit the desire for what it is I find that the desire has less of a hold on me. I’m able to enjoy it and let it go, instead of clinging to denial, guilt, and a false self-image. Or, being overly concerned with what other people are going to think if I do indulge.
After one of my most naive and self-righteous moments, I finally surrendered and happily lost the image of myself I was stubbornly clinging to. Now I try to do that without so much prodding.
Here are a few steps that may help you let go of your need to deny yourself and indulge mindfully, in moderation, without guilt:
1. Acknowledge a desire as it arises. Just see it without judgment. Be the witness. The most powerful perspective to have.
2. Mindfully evaluate whether this is something truly harmful or rebellious or no big deal. If it’s heroin, it’s harmful. If it’s chocolate, no big deal. Ten bars of chocolate, harmful.
3. Check in with your self-image. Are you clinging to an idealistic image or is this honest? If it’s not genuine, it’s got to go. I come from an old family, we know what our ancestors looked like back many generations. We tend to be big people. Why do I need to fight body-type, genes, etc., would I be happier, and ultimately healthier just to go with the flow?
4. Explore how the desire and the genuine self-image go together or don’t. Can you indulge this desire and still feel good about yourself?
5. Go for it and let it go, or leave it behind altogether. Either do it and love it without clinging or attachment to your image that if you do you’re bad, or wrong, or weak, or blah, blah…, or don’t do it at all. Time for bed, but first a bowl of cheerios. Now that’s spiritual progress.
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