Learning to Love Me...

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves – and sadly, that’s often just what we do – although we may not realize that we are so filled with self loathing and hatred that the little we love ourselves, is immediately projected out to our neighbor. That’s not what he meant.

The story behind this is complicated, but in short – relatively few of us grow up with healthy self-esteem. Our parents envisioned some kind of life with a perfect home, perfect (or at least “Leave-it-to-Beaver style) kids. I know my own Dad wanted an athletic, mesomorphic son – not a smart, talented one…so I grew up thinking that there was always something wrong with me because who I was didn’t mesh the “ideal son” my Dad really wanted. Some parents keep their disappointment to themselves. Many, too many – don’t. 

So, we become a product of “You’ll never amount to anything” kinds of statements. We end up not really loving ourselves, and so it’s hard to take care of ourselves. We feel guilty if we take time for ourselves, or do something for ourselves we would consider to be “indulgent”, or even if we expect our relationships to be respectful. We deserve better…but at some level we don’t think we do, so we don’t demand it on one level, or ask for it at another.

No surprise we don’t get it. Right?

They say that love is a verb, and that’s not only true for our friends and family. If we want to be strong, confident people who can benefit others and the world, we need to take time to love ourselves in action.

We need to do the things that we know nourish our hearts and spirits, whether it’s just reading a book, watching our favorite TV show - or walking on the beach. We need to eliminate the behaviors of people who treat us like crap from our lives. Doesn’t matter who they are – if they can’t be respectful and considerate, out they go. They can always come back if they “repent” (repent comes from the French “re-pense” or to “re-think”. )

We need to get out and engage with people, allowing ourselves to feel a sense of connection and inclusion.

And we need to take time to be alone with ourselves, so we can learn to be kind, strong, and centered even when no one else is there for support and validation. Sometimes it’s scary to be alone with yourself.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

When we have this self-esteem stuff going on - it seems like everywhere we look, we don’t measure up. Other people are richer, smarter, thinner, more organized, etc., etc. Why this compulsive need to always think we should be something more?

There are people all around me who are more talented, thinner, wealthier, happier, nicer, and luckier.  You name it and there is someone who’s got more of it or is better at it than me. And so what? They have problems I don’t have – and, I’ll wager, I have talents they don’t have. It’s the economy of The Universe. Quit stressing about it. What’s that mental comparison thing you do ever done for you?

Does it really motivate you to get going on your diet and exercise plan or your savings plan or your new career path?  I didn’t think so.  I know it doesn’t work that way for me.

I say, “Enough!”

Let’s stop mentally assessing our worth by comparing it to others.

Doing the mental comparison thing doesn’t change a thing about me in reality. I am what I am.  Right now.  And that’s the reality. I choose to value myself, just as I am. I choose to assess my worth based on my own unique individuality.

Here are three quick things to think about:

1. Embrace your individuality. I am a unique individual. So are you. We all are. The next time you find that you’re comparing yourself with someone else, remind yourself that “I am me and I’m proud of that.”  You’ve got to let that sink in. You are your own person. There’s no one quite like you. Comparisons are irrelevant!  How freeing is that?  Add that to your mental repertoire: “I’m unique, so comparisons are irrelevant.”
2. Flip your focus. When we’re doing the mental comparison thing, we’re focusing on what they have that we think we don’t have. Flip your focus and remind yourself of all that you are instead of focusing on what you think you aren’t.
3. Celebrate! That’s right. Let’s move away from devaluing ourselves and others. Choose to move away from feeling bad about yourself for not being like someone else. Let’s celebrate ourselves and others for what and who we are.  Let’s be good enough, just as we are, and celebrate that.  Share your gifts and talents. Compliment others in your life when you notice a positive trait or gift that you admire. Look for the good in everyone, including yourself. Instead of always finding ways that we don’t measure up, let’s celebrate the things about ourselves and others that make us unique, that make us who we are.

Let’s celebrate the fact that we’re all different and we all have something unique to contribute to this big, beautiful world, just as we are today. No change is necessary, except perhaps our belief that we are worth it – and that we do make a difference.