“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.” Thomas Merton
For a period in the 1980’s I lived in a Benedictine Monastery. I jokingly refer to that period of my life as my “religious vacation”, and then go on to mention how I’m not very religious but look really good in black. It always gets a polite giggle. Sometimes I say I was a “monk” for that period, which is technically true (classified as a “postulant”) – but in looking back I don’t think I really ever had the monastic mindset associated with genuine monastic life. To their credit, the Abbey folk probably figured that out about the second day I was there – but they knew that I had to discover it for myself - I showed up at the abbey with a moving van and part of my art collection. So much for monastic simplicity.
I still look back on amazement at that period of my life. First, it was something I had dreamed of doing for years…and finally followed through on. That was powerful. Second, as I am also quick to point out if anyone asks and wants to have a serious discussion – I was never loved more deeply or responsibly than during my period at Mount Angel Abbey. They genuinely cared for me in a way that was powerful – being loved is nothing we should take lightly. Ever.
I did learn a little then – most importantly that Benedictine spirituality is all about balance. I frequently hear people say it is why they are interested in coming to the monastery, in learning more about Benedict and applying Benedictine principles to their lives. It is a very admirable goal in our world characterized by frenzy and headlong activity.
In monastic life (not unlike prison life, by the way) there is a time for everything. Work, reading, recreation, food, sleeping all have their appropriate times. If you don't mind getting up at 5:00 AM (yes, coffee is available) it's a wonderful life. It quickly becomes routine, familiar and comfortable. But along with all the support for balance that such a regulated schedule provides, something seemed off.
After having read and tried to live the Rule of Benedict I began to think the idea of Benedictine balance is a lot like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. It is a wonderful idea that reflects our deepest needs and desires was ultimately a myth.
Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny speak to our childlike desire for the free gifts, the chocolate eggs and new bicycles that we want so badly. The idea of Benedictine balance, or any kind of balance, speaks to our deep, childlike desire for a life that does not seem to involve intense, unending busyness where “personal space” isn’t shoehorned in-between meetings, IPhone calls, texting and obligations. This idea of balance seems to be based on an ideal of a life that would be equal parts work, family, leisure and spirituality. It is not a bad ideal but in practical terms – almost unworkable.
I tend to think that our spirituality, which I consider to be the most important of the aforementioned four components, really informs the remaining work, family and leisure components. Spirituality, to me, is simple mindfulness. Being aware of the presence of the Divine in all activities. It’s easy to translate this into another “to-do” item on our list to be checked off daily. Meditated. Check.
Each of us will decide whether our errands, our work, our relationships will reflect our spiritual vision or whether they will be things and activities that are somehow separate from our spiritual, transcendent selves. Striving, running, climbing and making progress are the basic components of many of our lives. It’s our nature. Is it too much to ask to do it mindfully?
To achieve this, we need to examine how our concept of mindfulness and balance work together. I’m no good at this. Work is 75% of my life and whatever else is left over has to fit in the 25% of the time left. It’s a stretch. Each day I recognize this imbalance. So, here we are exploring alternatives to address it…
For many people, life consists of trying to get the kids dressed and ready for school; checking email on our smart phones while dropping them off; attending meeting after meeting at work; picking up fast food because we’re too tired to cook; and collapsing into the bed at the end of the day, wondering how we’ll ever squeeze in time for ourselves or our significant others.
And oftentimes, at the end of it all, we vow we’ll do something different tomorrow.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with us. The world itself is fundamentally different. We are digitally connected to our friends, families, and workplaces 24/7, and constantly bombarded with information. I’m a classic information junkie. I promised myself I would turn my computer off earlier each night, then bought a smart phone so I could check emails without turning on the computer. Please…
When we are out of balance and harmony, we experience stress. Like the phenomenon of friction in the physical world, stress is the result of resistance. It is about resisting our life as it is. And like friction, we get burned in the process. I’ve written about this before. “Let whatever happens be OK”, or “Resistance is Futile”
So how we do we maintain balance and harmony? It starts with two simple steps.
1. Be present to reality.
If stress is the result of resistance to life, we need to first develop and expand our capacity to be present to reality. Our minds are so busy that we tend to skip over “what is” and go to straight to our evaluations and stories about “what is.”
It’s not that “She said such and such…” but rather “She clearly doesn’t care, because she said such and such…” That's not what happened, it's our story about what happened. Drop the story and the drama goes away with it.
2. Become aligned with what you need.
Once we notice that we are out of balance or harmony, we need to restore alignment. Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life offers a good practice for this.
To get back to balance or harmony, we have to be able to identify our needs and make requests of others to address them. That's really hard for many of us to do. Or, we expect that other's will know what we want or need... (That strategy doesn't usually doesn't work out well).
Ask yourself: What would make a difference to me right now? Taking a walk to clear my head? Stepping away from a situation? Having a conversation to clear up a difference of opinion? Asking a friend for help?
We can achieve balance and harmony if we determine what it is we need and then take action to fill that need.
We’ll never completely eliminate stress from our lives. We’ll always have some reaction that will throw us off-kilter.
The trick is to improve how quickly we can stop and be present.
We experience balance and harmony when we get in touch with who we are and what matters most and then make those things a priority in our lives. Can we start now?
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