Learning to Love Me...

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves – and sadly, that’s often just what we do – although we may not realize that we are so filled with self loathing and hatred that the little we love ourselves, is immediately projected out to our neighbor. That’s not what he meant.

The story behind this is complicated, but in short – relatively few of us grow up with healthy self-esteem. Our parents envisioned some kind of life with a perfect home, perfect (or at least “Leave-it-to-Beaver style) kids. I know my own Dad wanted an athletic, mesomorphic son – not a smart, talented one…so I grew up thinking that there was always something wrong with me because who I was didn’t mesh the “ideal son” my Dad really wanted. Some parents keep their disappointment to themselves. Many, too many – don’t. 

So, we become a product of “You’ll never amount to anything” kinds of statements. We end up not really loving ourselves, and so it’s hard to take care of ourselves. We feel guilty if we take time for ourselves, or do something for ourselves we would consider to be “indulgent”, or even if we expect our relationships to be respectful. We deserve better…but at some level we don’t think we do, so we don’t demand it on one level, or ask for it at another.

No surprise we don’t get it. Right?

They say that love is a verb, and that’s not only true for our friends and family. If we want to be strong, confident people who can benefit others and the world, we need to take time to love ourselves in action.

We need to do the things that we know nourish our hearts and spirits, whether it’s just reading a book, watching our favorite TV show - or walking on the beach. We need to eliminate the behaviors of people who treat us like crap from our lives. Doesn’t matter who they are – if they can’t be respectful and considerate, out they go. They can always come back if they “repent” (repent comes from the French “re-pense” or to “re-think”. )

We need to get out and engage with people, allowing ourselves to feel a sense of connection and inclusion.

And we need to take time to be alone with ourselves, so we can learn to be kind, strong, and centered even when no one else is there for support and validation. Sometimes it’s scary to be alone with yourself.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

When we have this self-esteem stuff going on - it seems like everywhere we look, we don’t measure up. Other people are richer, smarter, thinner, more organized, etc., etc. Why this compulsive need to always think we should be something more?

There are people all around me who are more talented, thinner, wealthier, happier, nicer, and luckier.  You name it and there is someone who’s got more of it or is better at it than me. And so what? They have problems I don’t have – and, I’ll wager, I have talents they don’t have. It’s the economy of The Universe. Quit stressing about it. What’s that mental comparison thing you do ever done for you?

Does it really motivate you to get going on your diet and exercise plan or your savings plan or your new career path?  I didn’t think so.  I know it doesn’t work that way for me.

I say, “Enough!”

Let’s stop mentally assessing our worth by comparing it to others.

Doing the mental comparison thing doesn’t change a thing about me in reality. I am what I am.  Right now.  And that’s the reality. I choose to value myself, just as I am. I choose to assess my worth based on my own unique individuality.

Here are three quick things to think about:

1. Embrace your individuality. I am a unique individual. So are you. We all are. The next time you find that you’re comparing yourself with someone else, remind yourself that “I am me and I’m proud of that.”  You’ve got to let that sink in. You are your own person. There’s no one quite like you. Comparisons are irrelevant!  How freeing is that?  Add that to your mental repertoire: “I’m unique, so comparisons are irrelevant.”
2. Flip your focus. When we’re doing the mental comparison thing, we’re focusing on what they have that we think we don’t have. Flip your focus and remind yourself of all that you are instead of focusing on what you think you aren’t.
3. Celebrate! That’s right. Let’s move away from devaluing ourselves and others. Choose to move away from feeling bad about yourself for not being like someone else. Let’s celebrate ourselves and others for what and who we are.  Let’s be good enough, just as we are, and celebrate that.  Share your gifts and talents. Compliment others in your life when you notice a positive trait or gift that you admire. Look for the good in everyone, including yourself. Instead of always finding ways that we don’t measure up, let’s celebrate the things about ourselves and others that make us unique, that make us who we are.

Let’s celebrate the fact that we’re all different and we all have something unique to contribute to this big, beautiful world, just as we are today. No change is necessary, except perhaps our belief that we are worth it – and that we do make a difference. 

Balancing our Need for Balance

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.”  Thomas Merton

For a period in the 1980’s I lived in a Benedictine Monastery. I jokingly refer to that period of my life as my “religious vacation”, and then go on to mention how I’m not very religious but look really good in black. It always gets a polite giggle. Sometimes I say I was a “monk” for that period, which is technically true (classified as a “postulant”) – but in looking back I don’t think I really ever had the monastic mindset associated with genuine monastic life. To their credit, the Abbey folk probably figured that out about the second day I was there – but they knew that I had to discover it for myself - I showed up at the abbey with a moving van and part of my art collection. So much for monastic simplicity.

I still look back on amazement at that period of my life. First, it was something I had dreamed of doing for years…and finally followed through on. That was powerful. Second, as I am also quick to point out if anyone asks and wants to have a serious discussion – I was never loved more deeply or responsibly than during my period at Mount Angel Abbey. They genuinely cared for me in a way that was powerful – being loved is nothing we should take lightly. Ever.

I did learn a little then – most importantly that Benedictine spirituality is all about balance. I frequently hear people say it is why they are interested in coming to the monastery, in learning more about Benedict and applying Benedictine principles to their lives. It is a very admirable goal in our world characterized by frenzy and headlong activity.

In monastic life (not unlike prison life, by the way) there is a time for everything. Work, reading, recreation, food, sleeping all have their appropriate times. If you don't mind getting up at 5:00 AM (yes, coffee is available) it's a wonderful life. It quickly becomes routine, familiar and comfortable. But along with all the support for balance that such a regulated schedule provides, something seemed off.

After having read and tried to live the Rule of Benedict I began to think the idea of Benedictine balance is a lot like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. It is a wonderful idea that reflects our deepest needs and desires was ultimately a myth.

Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny speak to our childlike desire for the free gifts, the chocolate eggs and new bicycles that we want so badly. The idea of Benedictine balance, or any kind of balance, speaks to our deep, childlike desire for a life that does not seem to involve intense, unending busyness where “personal space” isn’t shoehorned in-between meetings, IPhone calls, texting and obligations. This idea of balance seems to be based on an ideal of a life that would be equal parts work, family, leisure and spirituality. It is not a bad ideal but in practical terms – almost unworkable.

I tend to think that our spirituality, which I consider to be the most important of the aforementioned four components, really informs the remaining work, family and leisure components. Spirituality, to me, is simple mindfulness. Being aware of the presence of the Divine in all activities. It’s easy to translate this into another “to-do” item on our list to be checked off daily. Meditated. Check.

Each of us will decide whether our errands, our work, our relationships will reflect our spiritual vision or whether they will be things and activities that are somehow separate from our spiritual, transcendent selves. Striving, running, climbing and making progress are the basic components of many of our lives. It’s our nature. Is it too much to ask to do it mindfully?

To achieve this, we need to examine how our concept of mindfulness and balance work together. I’m no good at this. Work is 75% of my life and whatever else is left over has to fit in the 25% of the time left. It’s a stretch. Each day I recognize this imbalance. So, here we are exploring alternatives to address it…

For many people, life consists of trying to get the kids dressed and ready for school; checking email on our smart phones while dropping them off; attending meeting after meeting at work; picking up fast food because we’re too tired to cook; and collapsing into the bed at the end of the day, wondering how we’ll ever squeeze in time for ourselves or our significant others.

And oftentimes, at the end of it all, we vow we’ll do something different tomorrow.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with us. The world itself is fundamentally different. We are digitally connected to our friends, families, and workplaces 24/7, and constantly bombarded with information. I’m a classic information junkie. I promised myself I would turn my computer off earlier each night, then bought a smart phone so I could check emails without turning on the computer. Please…

When we are out of balance and harmony, we experience stress. Like the phenomenon of friction in the physical world, stress is the result of resistance. It is about resisting our life as it is. And like friction, we get burned in the process. I’ve written about this before. “Let whatever happens be OK”, or “Resistance is Futile”

So how we do we maintain balance and harmony? It starts with two simple steps.

1. Be present to reality.

If stress is the result of resistance to life, we need to first develop and expand our capacity to be present to reality. Our minds are so busy that we tend to skip over “what is” and go to straight to our evaluations and stories about “what is.”

It’s not that “She said such and such…” but rather “She clearly doesn’t care, because she said such and such…” That's not what happened, it's our story about what happened. Drop the story and the drama goes away with it.

2. Become aligned with what you need.

Once we notice that we are out of balance or harmony, we need to restore alignment. Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life offers a good practice for this.

To get back to balance or harmony, we have to be able to identify our needs and make requests of others to address them. That's really hard for many of us to do. Or, we expect that other's will know what we want or need... (That strategy doesn't usually doesn't work out well). 

Ask yourself: What would make a difference to me right now? Taking a walk to clear my head? Stepping away from a situation? Having a conversation to clear up a difference of opinion? Asking a friend for help?

We can achieve balance and harmony if we determine what it is we need and then take action to fill that need.

We’ll never completely eliminate stress from our lives. We’ll always have some reaction that will throw us off-kilter.

The trick is to improve how quickly we can stop and be present.

We experience balance and harmony when we get in touch with who we are and what matters most and then make those things a priority in our lives. Can we start now?

A Song of Sweet Surrender

“…Although I can not see it with my eyes, I trust that the Current knows where it’s going, so I am going to let go…” Richard Bach, Illusions; The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

I love to be in control – I’m really good at saying I don’t care about it, or that I like to “let go and let god” or any number of other similar affirmations, but the reality is I like control. It helps me to feel safe. The unfamiliar is scary. Better a known than an unknown. You get the picture.

I’ll give myself some credit. I’m doing better. Years ago when I worked at Centerpointe Research (the meditation company), I used to be a total tidy freak – to the point of having to straighten up my co-workers desks after they left (I was usually the last to leave because along with other issues, I was dealing being a workaholic). Amazingly, people came to resent my helpfulness. Can you imagine?

Anyway, one day the boss called me into his office to talk to me about it. He suggested that I consider upgrading my “need” for things to be tidy and neat to a “preference” that things be tidy and neat. See, the difference is important. When we need something to be a certain way, our emotional state, balance and general well-being depend on something outside of us – something we may not have a great deal of control over. In other words, very possibly stuff we can do nothing about. When we “prefer” things be a certain way – we still have the preference for tidiness, certainty or whatever – but our well being isn’t contingent on it – which is a big difference. Certainly we’re happier when things are tidy or organized, but we don’t make ourselves crazy, sick or psycho when things aren’t the way we want them to be. See the difference?

Wow, great insight Bill (Bill always had interesting things to say and a great perspective on stuff…I learned so much from him).

I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Or, trying to make them happen. Or wishing for them to happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this. I get bitchy and frustrated (hard to believe, I know). But, becoming  conscious of what we need to change in our lives is the first step to change – so that’s a positive.

Another blogger wrote, “Like most humans I know, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The baby’s business, my friends’ business, Mother Nature’s business.” And this tends to reflect me too. But, again, the point is becoming conscious of how we are being – and evaluating how helpful it is to us in the long term. Not judging in terms of good/bad – but helpful/non-helpful, or perhaps resourceful/non-resourceful. Then taking our cues about change from whatever it is we figure out. Helpful stuff stays. Non-helpful stuff gets jettisoned.

As a recovering control freak, there are three things I know for sure about trying to control things:

1. We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t. Or, more simply put, control is rooted in fear. This is always and everywhere the case. No exceptions.

2. Control is also a result of being attached to a specific outcome—an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we always know what’s best.

When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micro-manage the universe. We let go. And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that aren’t there when we’re attached to one “right” path. (Read this twice – it’s really important).

3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.

Back in '89 my friend Cam Molter lent me a book called The Path Of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life By Robery Fritz – it was a wonderful introduction to the idea that it takes less energy to go with the stream than to swim against it. Why is it we have to be reminded of stuff like that? Seriously?

I suspect it’s slightly different for everyone, but here’s what ‘control mode’ looks and feels like for me:  My vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.

My mind shifts from topic to topic and from past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and almost no present-moment awareness.

In surrender mode, I’m calm, peaceful. Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.

So the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control. When I’m micro-managing and obsessing over details, I know I’m in my own way.

The Art of Surrender

Surrender literally means to stop fighting. Stop fighting with yourself. Stop fighting the universe and the natural flow of things. Stop resisting and pushing against reality. (Check out my blog, “Let whatever happens be OK)

This is important - It’s not about inaction. It’s about taking action from that that place of surrender energy. Identifying what you actually can do something about, whether it’s an external circumstance (finish whatever project is bothering you) or reframe mentally in a way that doesn’t include guilt.

If letting go of control and surrendering not only feel better, but actually produces better results, how do we do that?

Sometimes it’s as easy as noticing that you’re in control mode and choosing to let go—consciously and deliberately shifting into surrender energy.

For example, when I become aware that I’m in control mode, I imagine that I’m in a small canoe paddling upstream, against the current. It’s hard. It’s a fight. That’s what control mode feels like to me.

When I choose to let go and surrender, I visualize the boat turning around, me dropping the oars, and floating downstream.

I’m being gently pulled, no effort necessary on my part. Simply breathing and saying, “Let go of the oars” is usually enough to get me there.

Sometimes it’s a little harder to make the shift from control to surrender. Here are a few questions that can help:

1. What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?

When you pinpoint the fear, question its validity. If the dining room doesn't get dusted, or the stairs vacuumed or the garage floor cleaned -  is life really over? If any of those things don't get done - will the sun still come out tomorrow? (I'm thinking "yes").

2. Find out whose business you’re in.

Your business is the realm of things that you can directly influence. Are you there? Or are you in someone else’s business? When we’re trying to control things outside of our own business, it’s not going to go well.

3. Consider this: Would letting go feel like freedom?

It almost always would. Let that feeling of freedom guide you toward loosening your grip.

A Friendly Universe

Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” This is a core belief – our default operating system (like MAC or Windows) and it is essential to our well being and worldview that we understand what we believe at this.

I believe in a friendly, supportive, loving universe. I believe that the universe conspires to have cool things happen to me – even if the way it goes about it isn’t always direct (like just winning the lottery and being done with it). I know not everyone thinks this.

Being receptive and allowing things to happen is a skill that can be practiced and improved upon. It really helps to believe in a friendly universe—one that is supporting you at every turn so that you don’t have to worry yourself over the details. The Universe has your back.

We can always choose to do things the easy way or the hard way. We can muscle through, or we can let go of the oars and let the current carry us downstream. The decision exists for you in this moment, and this moment only - the only now there is is NOW. Hold the intention of what you want, then release it…even if you have to practice doing that a thousand times.

Today's Thoughts about Time (And How We Manage It)

"Don’t be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. One man gets only a week’s value out of a year while another man gets a full year’s value out of a week.
" [Charles Richards]

Today’s thoughts fall into the “advice I ought to follow myself” category. But, writing more about it surfaces it into my dense and already crowded consciousness. So, maybe helpful to the greater effort. We'll see. 

I should be in a circus considering the amount of stuff I juggle. Work (which basically could be a 24/7 job if I let it), some volunteer stuff at my church which is very important to me, and always ends up taking more time than I plan for, a correspondence with over fifty people who are in prison – again, something really important to me as I am the only outside contact a couple of these folks have – and it matters a lot for me to be there for them, some Life Coaching with clients I’ve had for years, some graphic design for people I’ve also worked with for a long time, and then there’s favors from friends to look at this or that. Oh – and then moderating on the Prison Talk forum.

I’m not including the prep time for a couple of study groups I’m involved in. Lots of reading – or the fact that there are a few TV shows I really enjoy – and DVR on a regular basis. Practicing the piano and learning some new music –or just reviewing things I used to know. Am I forgetting something? Probably. Anyone care? Nope? Didn't think so. 

I’ve noticed that the biggest complication to my life isn’t necessarily the full, varied schedule; it’s how I think about that busy schedule. I have known this on some level for years, but recently have been thinking more and more about it.

Back in the mid-90’s I spent a couple of years as the Customer Service Supervisor for a software company that sold time management software. (Now Software). It was a wonderful product, and a lot of thought was given to how people process all the stuff we have to do on a daily basis. I learned a lot there. 

Let me back up a little further – a decade before working at Now Software I lived in a monastic community – each day was very highly regulated. There were little chunks of time, but those chunks were the same time, day in and day out. I found, during that period, that I got a lot done. A whole lot. Brought that experience to Now Software. Very helpful. 

What I learned was the difference between what I’ll call the “to-do” list model, and the “appointment chunk” model. In short, the difference between those two models can be explained like this; the “to-do” list model is a long list of things to do. (Amazing, huh!) When you’re done with your list, you’re finished with work. The “appointment chunk” – is setting time aside to do things on your “to-do” list, say between 10:00 AM and 5:00 PM (with breaks, of course) but after the clock strikes five – you’re free to move about the cabin with unstructured stuff. Or, whatever else you want to do that might be fun but isn’t “list worthy”. (Or shouldn’t be).

I find it helpful to remind myself frequently that I can’t worry my way out of worrying, and that the most effective use of any moment is to fully do whatever it is I’m doing. The rest will get done later. That, I’m learning, is the most important part of creating and living an effective time management strategy.

By segmenting out the day, I have found it helpful and feel a little breathing room once the time assigned to work on something in particular is over. The trick is to keep the appointments I make with myself and focus on whatever it is I’m doing at that point to the exclusion of other things. No matter how compelling Facebook or email responses to fun and interesting stuff might be.

This model doesn’t work for everyone – but the more I use it, or the more I remind myself that it would be helpful (and healthful) for me to use it – the better and more effective it seems in getting things checked off my (long) “to-do” list while still having some semblance of personal space in my life to rest and recoup.

Like everything, the first step in looking at all of this begins with how we think about it or how we frame it to ourselves. Along with this comes some general guidelines; Consider these possibilities:

1. That you matter as much as anything you are doing. Take some time to take care of you.
2. If someone doesn’t like how you are doing things, either fix it or let it go. Spending a lot of energy worrying about what they said doesn’t help you or them.
3. Prioritize – Stephen Covey writes, “Put First Things First” – that means you know what needs to be first – take the time to figure that out and then deal with what you feel is most important – before you feel tired or inclined to dither with other stuff.
4. Focus – get done what needs to get done – little breaks are OK – and sometimes you just have to know when to come back to something. That’s OK too – give yourself permission to recognize that the creative muse takes coffee breaks too – and sometimes you have to wait until your muse comes back.
5. Give yourself permission to say “no”. Yep, this is one of the hardest for me.
6. Do one thing at a time. It’s tempting to multi-task, and you may feel like you need to, or you may feel like everyone else is doing it so you should be to. Just not the case. Focus on whatever is in front of you. Then, when you’re finished, move on to the next thing.

Pretty soon – no more things. Then you can go out and play with the other kids…or catch up on CSI episodes. Guilt free.

Mindful Indulging; Still Time To Give up Guilt for Lent

“You only lose what you cling to.” [Buddha]

I cling to my identity as a fat person like some people cling to a life preserver. From the time I was a kid, when my dad un-generously pointed out that I was “fat” it has become an identity for me. Not just an identify, but a refuge of sorts. Kind of a haunted house where I can retreat whenever I needed to…which up to just a few years ago was often.

In looking back over old yearbook and school photos – I was a big kid, but not a fat kid…at least from a physical standpoint, but for the longest time I let my dad set my internal script and, to a greater degree than I would frankly like to admit, the self-image that went along with that script – objective, phenomenological reality aside, what I saw when I looked in the mirror, was a fat kid.

So, along with the image of a kid who was fat – I made some mental associations about being fat – like not having willpower, or not making good choices, especially when it came to health related issues. Physical fitness? Not even. Walking around Costco shopping counts as exercise. Food choices? Pleeeze…the hamburger and fries work just fine.

As I went through school I didn’t really have the problems other fat kids seemed to have. I made friends, participated in lots of stuff (other than sports) had the lead in plays, became Student Council President my senior year, Boys State, Model United Nations, etc., etc. I played music at a fairly serious level and that helped, but really it was an attitude of caring about others that seemed to connect me to people. They looked past my slightly overweight stature to something that really was big, my heart.

Others were able to see past the weight. In fact, they really didn’t seem to see it at all. Me? Not so much. I might as well been made of mashed potatoes. My rationale of the weight has increased in scope and grandeur along with my academic progress and pretentiousness. “The weight represents a barrier between the world and my inner self.” I smugly tell myself. “It’s a psychological protective mechanism.”

Or… “The weight is a boundary demarcation between me and other people. I have long standing intimacy issues – I love it when people open up to me, and I can connect very deeply with them on some levels, as long as I feel in control of how the relationship is going to go – and mostly as long as I am in the giving role not the receiving role. Because, at some level my abandonment issues (again, “Thanks Dad”) will kick in and my fear will become terrible and need to be medicated (with food)".

Now, since my (three) cancer experiences and heart attack, being overweight is a form of slow suicide. I know that the extra weight is a terrible strain on my heart, and my lungs –and it’s painfully (no pun intended) obvious from my breathing when doing something simple like walking up stairs.

Or, maybe the weight is a way of getting back at my Dad for being absent (and that’s the nicest thing he was) – since it apparently embarrassed him to have a son who wasn’t in tip-top shape. Since he’s been dead since 1975 do I really need to worry about getting back at him? I doubt he cares at this point what I look like. Seriously.

Blah…blah…blah – lots of stuff I can tell myself, or you -  at all kinds of different levels. In fact, I am rather proud of the fact that I can approach the topic from a multitude of perspectives. Sad that it’s all varying degrees of bullshit.

What I’m beginning to think is really the issue is that I’m really attached to an image of myself – and the emphasis of my current thinking isn’t on what the image it is, but on the attachment itself.

I’d like to think that I’m evolving – and that I am more free to admit my desires and let go of clinging to any image of myself that’s out of sync with those desires. I like to eat. I enjoy food. I don’t mentally berate myself because I love cars and indulge in a Mercedes convertible - why create the drama, internal or otherwise, that somehow I’m a bad person or a failure because I enjoy food. A lot.

How liberating to be able to be honest about ourselves without judgment—to have a self-image that’s realistic, not idealistic.

I still think (and talk) about food and sometimes I can uncover some unhealthy habits around eating. But rather than expressing judgment about it, it’s more helpful to me to acknowledge those desires and explore them. See where there’s room to negotiate with myself.

There are always foods or habits that I will feel guilty about. Carbohydrates are my downfall. French fries? Bliss. How can that a desire be indulged mindfully.

There can be so much stress around denying a desire.

I’m beginning to think that the stress of not doing something is more harmful than just doing it with mindfulness and then letting it go. How much joy can be found in savoring a small piece of chocolate and/or a glass of wine unencumbered by guilt!

Nothing takes the auto-pilot out of an action like mindfulness.

I’m not talking about indulging addictions, just simple desires.  Maybe it’s coffee, maybe it’s ice cream, or potato chips. For everyone it’s something different to feel guilty about. Enough with the guilt already. 

With mindfulness, sometimes the desires can be seen as acts of rebellion. So many times we crave things that are self-destructive just to be rebellious. Like a teenager. Then we feel guilty afterward. Each of my three "dad's" valued physical activity and my eating may have been a statement along the lines of; "would you please just accept me the way I am..." 

I don’t want to feel guilty or be in denial, I just want to make conscious choices. About everything. And, I want to be conscious about my attachments...even to wanting to be conscious. 

When I allow myself to admit the desire for what it is I find that the desire has less of a hold on me. I’m able to enjoy it and let it go, instead of clinging to denial, guilt, and a false self-image. Or, being overly concerned with what other people are going to think if I do indulge.

After one of my most naive and self-righteous moments, I finally surrendered and happily lost the image of myself I was stubbornly clinging to. Now I try to do that without so much prodding.

Here are a few steps that may help you let go of your need to deny yourself and indulge mindfully, in moderation, without guilt:

1. Acknowledge a desire as it arises. Just see it without judgment. Be the witness. The most powerful perspective to have.

2. Mindfully evaluate whether this is something truly harmful or rebellious or no big deal. If it’s heroin, it’s harmful.  If it’s chocolate, no big deal.  Ten bars of chocolate, harmful.

3. Check in with your self-image. Are you clinging to an idealistic image or is this honest?  If it’s not genuine, it’s got to go. I come from an old family, we know what our ancestors looked like back many generations. We tend to be big people. Why do I need to fight body-type, genes, etc., would I be happier, and ultimately healthier just to go with the flow?

4. Explore how the desire and the genuine self-image go together or don’t. Can you indulge this desire and still feel good about yourself?

5. Go for it and let it go, or leave it behind altogether. Either do it and love it without clinging or attachment to your image that if you do you’re bad, or wrong, or weak, or blah, blah…, or don’t do it at all. Time for bed, but first a bowl of cheerios. Now that’s spiritual progress.

We Get Peace Only to Give it Away…

“If you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another.” -Dalai Lama

It’s Friday and a hectic week is drawing to a close. Not that the weekend, or next week, or the week after is going to be any less hectic, but there is a sense of finality as we pass from one to another.

Someone asked me what “peace” meant to me, and I tend to group it along the lines of contentment, serenity and absence of any serious amount of conscious resistance to whatever the flow is around me at any given moment. Peaceful. going with The River. Floating along…

There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all the pictures.

But there were only two he really liked, and he had to choose between them. One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all.

But when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest - in perfect peace. The artist who painted that painting won the prize by Royal Decree.

Most of the time when I feel overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, or angry, it’s because I’m obsessing about my circumstances –everything that feels unfair or insurmountable and all the ways I feel powerless to change them. Or, I’m projecting or dramatizing what might or may happen down the road.

In this state of mind, I inevitably stress other people out, whether I talk about my challenges or not.

It’s there, spoken or unsaid. It gets in the way of my ability to really be present with the people I love, and it affects their state of mind. There is a recent movie called I AM: The Shift is About to Hit The Fan (I recommend it highly) which details some of the metaphysical reasons that this is a common experience. We are so deeply connected to other people, that especially with our closest circle of influence our pains become their pains and our joys become their joys – and, our peace can be shared too.

A kind word, a thoughtful gesture, a random act of kindness or generosity – these are all powerful ways to share our peace. It can easily transform someone’s day, and perhaps – if the stars line up just right – their lives. It’s happened to me.

After years of being a bit of a dolt, I’ve realized that the surest path to feeling more peace for myself is recognizing when I’m challenging other people’s – when I’m drowning my interactions with my personal anxiety instead of creating a positive space for myself and the people I encounter. In other words, when I’m short, abrupt or just plain unkind to people.

For those who know me, it’s no stretch to recognize that I am a person of strong opinions who is quick to share them, invited, requested, solicited or not. It’s just who I am and I rather like being that way. Facebook is a great example of a place where I regularly run into material that really riles me up – sometimes to the point of a perceptual increase in blood pressure. It’s a great learning (not to mention spiritual) experience to let it go. Opinions are just that – and I don’t have to be so heavily invested in mine that I can’t see the perspective of others.

Everything as some truth to it – even if that truth is quite a distance from the perception I have…not everyone is me. Thankfully.

Today if you feel burdened by your struggles, realize that stressing won’t create solutions–it will just create more problems, for you and others. Try doing something really nice for someone - take yourself out to lunch and pick up the tab for another table. Give your gas station person a tip. Just do something simple, but nice. Then enjoy the feeling of peace it brings you...amazing.

An alternative is to just breathe – to value collective peace in the present more than individual control over the future. Ironically, this often makes it a lot easier to identify solutions – and, like the birds in the painting, it conveys the ability to be at peace in the midst of all life’s chaos. What a wonderful gift. 

Thinking about Suffering...(Hint...it's Optional)

"It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron 

While I am a great admirer of Pema Chodron, I would also add that it isn’t only what we say, but the degree we resist what is happening – with a litany of “that shouldn’t have happened…”.

We all have stories we tell ourselves about the events in our lives. Many of them are negative: My girlfriend/boyfriend left me because I’m not good enough. I didn’t get that job because people think I’m incompetent. My parents were too hard on me because they don’t really love me. Life is unfair. I never get a decent break. Blah, blah, blah...

We often give far more meaning to events than they actually had, allowing them to define us and our relationships, sometimes for years at a time. When I was nine (1964) my great-grandmother, with whom I was very close, died. My mother and grandmother decided that I shouldn’t go to the funeral home or funeral service – and shipped me off to my step-grandmothers house. I put up quite a fuss (you can only imagine how dramatic a nine year old can be when really pushed) and pretty soon they rethought and allowed me to attend. Years later I remember writing a poem that included a line, “death is for children, too”.

The story I made up to myself about all this was that my family didn’t love me, wasn’t “proud” of me – and didn’t want me at the funeral because of those things. My dad was a very critical person and instilled in me early that no matter what I did, I wasn’t OK. Years later I was talking with my mother and somehow the subject came up. She said, “we didn’t want you to go because we thought it would all be too traumatic for you, not because we didn’t love you.”

“Oh” I thought to myself. “Really?”

That event had defined my relationship with my family for years. I had moved thousands of miles away from them, and really, from that time – had felt an emotional distance that exists to this day. All because I interpreted whatever was happening through a set of filters that were inaccurate.

My former boss, used to like to say, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” I learned a lot from him and recognized the wisdom of separating out pain and suffering – pain being the immediate feeling of loss or discomfort triggered by a particular incident, and suffering being the ongoing feeling of loss, angst or discomfort, not actually triggered by the incident, but by the story we created about the incident.

There is so much suffering in the world. Suffering, which at some level, is caused not by the various and horrible things that happen to so many of us, but by the stories we create about how we are to blame, or how whatever happened shouldn’t have happened, or how things should have been different somehow.

But they weren’t. They didn’t. It wasn’t. What happened, happened. And we can go on and on to ourselves about all the “shoulds” of the situation, or we can create a story of empowerment and resiliency – about how whatever happened, happened – and about how we’re working tirelessly to overcome whatever hardship was created. And, like Charlie Sheen, we’re winning. Only in our case, really winning.

Your stories can either leave you feeling helpless or empowered. The choice is yours.

Some of us may like feeling helpless. It gives us an excuse to give up, to have lower expectations of ourselves. To limit ourselves from having to push our boundaries or step outside of our comfort zone. To make other people responsible for our well-being (or create the illusion for ourselves that they are).

Martin Seligman, who coined the term “positive psychology” suggests that we can learn optimism and change those stories using the ABC model. When an adversity (A) happens, we can identify beliefs (B) about whatever happened and the undesirable consequences (C) they create.

So if your girlfriend/boyfriend left you and you believe it’s because you’re not good enough, that will likely leave you feeling down on yourself, and as a consequence, shut down to joy and other people.

The alternative is to dispute that story to create a sense of possibility. Instead of believing that you’re not good enough, you can think, “This one relationship didn’t work out, and I can learn from this, but lots of people love me, just as I am, and many more will in the future if I keep putting myself out there.” What ever happens is whatever happens. We can’t change it, but we have total power to re-write our story about whatever happened. Because, ultimately, our response is entirely a creation of ourselves…we own our thinking process. 

A revised story won’t completely take away the pain, but it will remind you that it’s temporary–and that you are not helpless. And, it may keep you from making suffering a career choice. There’s nothing more disempowering and draining than a chronic victim mentality.

We are never helpless unless we choose to be. Why would we consciously make that kind of choice? 

Emptiness: Opening to Simplicity and Silence

“Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” -Confucius

There is an ancient Zen Koan where someone hands you a bowl and asks you “What is the most important part of this bowl?” Without giving away any deep and esoteric spiritual secrets, the generally accepted answer is, “The empty space inside.”

In art, negative space is the blank canvas around the subject, and it’s just as important as the painting itself. It’s integral for balance, and it frames the image. In music there is silence between each note, chord or phrase – the silence separates the intervals even though these periods of silence may be so quick as to be almost imperceptible. Each discipline has components of “what is” and “what is not” to define it – sound and silence. Something happening and emptiness - and this process is how we identify anything, in psychology it might be called the delineation markers – those things which allow us to identify where something starts…it’s border.

In other words, the negative space defines the positive space. We have a lot of trouble with silence, simplicity and emptiness. When there isn’t something to do, see, watch or otherwise engage us – we run the risk of projecting ourselves onto whatever canvas is at hand. Sometimes that’s terribly uncomfortable.

Years ago (the late 70’s) I had the opportunity to work with John C. Lilly (1915-2001) the pioneering neuroscientist and psychoanalyst at a “Think Tank” I was involved with. This was perhaps the heyday of the “altered states” movement and the use of isolation tanks (sensory deprivation environments). The idea was to go into a space completely void of external stimuli so that your mind “filled in the blanks” or projected itself onto the empty canvas.

The challenge of these experiments was that sometimes our mind is filled with very dark things and the process can be scary to people. I’m not talking about demons and monsters, but about general fears, loneliness, or the awareness of our own mortality. We may have guilt, shame, the pain of failed relationships – or no relationships, the fear of not living up to someone’s expectations. All of those are the kinds of things that can get projected in an isolation or sensory deprivation environment.

“Simplicity means doing everything without an ulterior motivation.” [from Wounded by Love]

Simplicity is a form of empty canvas – and when we simplify, we often open up vast reaches of ourselves that had heretofore been filled with stuff – with ideas, with clutter (mental chatter or material stuff). The clutter distracts us so we don’t see or experience the fear that wells up from ourselves. We want to be distracted. As a church musician I have years of experience filling in empty space lest people get anxious. Or, as may have often been the case, lest I got anxious.

So what’s changing for me? I’ve had an attraction to the simple for years. My fondness of all things Zen reflects, at some level, a deep awareness of the extreme power of the simple. But that awareness wasn’t often reflected in my life, and, frankly, on many levels still isn’t. 

But I feel a call…or a pull towards simplicity (and silence) that is stronger than before. Maybe it’s because I’m slowing down, or physically aren’t able to resist it at the level I could before. Or, I would like to think, don’t want to resist it as strongly. I’m becoming OK with the concept of simplicity.

Maybe some of the demons are dissipating (finally) so that whatever is projected isn’t too horrible, uncomfortable or awkward to deal with. Maybe I’m becoming more comfortable with myself. Maybe all of the above, or none of the above. I suppose the why isn’t important, but I’m becoming more comfortable with silence.  

Like the negative space of art, and the empty space of music - the same can be said of our lives – the empty moments when we consciously choose to just breathe and be emphasize the moments when we choose to act. And yet allowing ourselves this simplicity is a real chore.

Instead, we complicate life with constant doing and plotting to avoid the experience of sitting with ourselves and accepting the moment as it is. We stay busy to avoid confronting the dissatisfaction that can’t ever be filled with more stuff, noise or clutter – it can only be filled from within with the knowledge that right now we are complete.

Simplicity is chipping away at the endless pile of more to emphasize what really matters to us individually. How can you create some open space for yourself today? And, if you can – are you brave enough to live into it?