At 55 I am just starting to wake up to some things – and one of the most enjoyable things has been an awareness of my increased tolerance for people I’m not sure I actually like.
Maybe Facebook has had something to do with this. I certainly love my Facebook friends (or at least like most of them a lot, most of the time) but sure enough – in the many years since elementary school, high school, college, or whatever other venue we originally connected at, people change and grow to be different than us.
Today, after a rather long and tedious discussion about who’s in and who’s out in terms of heaven, which devolved into complex nitpicky stuff (not that it wasn’t all interesting) one of the guys who definitely had an opinion other than mine (i.e. was “wrong”) Friended me. I thought about it a little bit before accepting the request and then decided that I needed a different perspective in my life – or, perhaps the Universe felt that he needed something different in his life, and sent me. Either way was OK.
Lori Deschene wrote on her blog, “I suspect we try to change and fix other people because we’re acutely aware of our own imperfections and don’t want to deal with the pain of recognizing them in others.” I really get that this is true, and I try (not always successfully) to recognize when I find myself getting worked up to a frazzle by some discussion or issue, to recognize what in me is being triggered by the conversation or situation.
What is causing my blood-pressure to rise? I’m pretty clear that whatever is happening is a trigger, not a cause (the difference is important and while I have written about it before, here’s a rehash…a “cause” will result in everyone feeling the same way about something, whereas a “trigger” won’t. Simple. Some people will be triggered by whatever is happening, but not everyone. When some people feel strongly about something, but not everyone – then the feelings are something inside of you, not endemic to the situation itself.)
Very few things that result in a response of anger within ourselves are “caused”. Most are triggered. Important to know. Anyway, I’m trying to recognize this dynamic in my daily life – because the secret to not being “triggered” is to step back and watch oneself respond (or, in some cases, react) and understand what it is about oneself that is causing that response/reaction. And, the greater the response/reaction, the greater the potential is for identification with whatever the trigger is.
So, in English – I get outraged about injustice because I am being, at some level of myself or in some particular situation, unjust. Or, something sets me off because at some level (and it may not be an easily accessible conscious level) I identify with whatever is happening and because I am angry about what ever it is, as it exists in myself, I project that anger outwards to the person, circumstance or situation – although really, really, it’s about me.
When you think about it, everything we see in other people represents something going on in our own heads and hearts. We couldn’t know or identify anything in other people, unless we knew it first in ourselves. I know that’s a bit of an edgy statement, but I really believe its true.
We recognize selfishness–or what we interpret as selfishness–because we’ve been selfish before. We see fear, impatience, and annoyance–or what we assume those things look like–because we’ve felt them before.
Sometimes it means that we need to be really honest. I wrote about that on Monday. Sometimes it might mean that we best keep our yappers shut. (A la, “if you haven’t anything good to say, don’t say anything at all…”)
Werner Erhard (a personal hero of mine) founder of EST (now Landmark Forums) wrote, “The definition of love is allowing others the space to be as they are, and the space to be as they’re not.” I’ve yet to come across a better definition.
I may still be unsure as to whether or not I actually like you, but I’m pretty sure at some level I probably love you, and more importantly (selfish guy that I am), that I have something to learn from you – even if that learning is mostly about myself.
Don’t force the process – let it unfold, but as Mary Morrissey, a former pastor of mine says, “you gotta make room for it…” it will result in a powerful shift. Seriously.
Very few things that result in a response of anger within ourselves are “caused”. Most are triggered. Important to know. Anyway, I’m trying to recognize this dynamic in my daily life – because the secret to not being “triggered” is to step back and watch oneself respond (or, in some cases, react) and understand what it is about oneself that is causing that response/reaction. And, the greater the response/reaction, the greater the potential is for identification with whatever the trigger is.
So, in English – I get outraged about injustice because I am being, at some level of myself or in some particular situation, unjust. Or, something sets me off because at some level (and it may not be an easily accessible conscious level) I identify with whatever is happening and because I am angry about what ever it is, as it exists in myself, I project that anger outwards to the person, circumstance or situation – although really, really, it’s about me.
When you think about it, everything we see in other people represents something going on in our own heads and hearts. We couldn’t know or identify anything in other people, unless we knew it first in ourselves. I know that’s a bit of an edgy statement, but I really believe its true.
We recognize selfishness–or what we interpret as selfishness–because we’ve been selfish before. We see fear, impatience, and annoyance–or what we assume those things look like–because we’ve felt them before.
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” Some of us just don’t have a lot of freedom in our hearts."
Erin Lanahan writes what is common to all of humanity; “I know you hurt, just like me, and you feel joy, just like me. You worry and feel scared sometimes, just like me. You have bad days, just like me, and you have amazing days, just like me. You are seeking, just like me. You want to believe in love, just like me.”Yet for a variety of reasons, we work overtime to demonize other people. People we just wish were perfect, like ourselves.
Sometimes it means that we need to be really honest. I wrote about that on Monday. Sometimes it might mean that we best keep our yappers shut. (A la, “if you haven’t anything good to say, don’t say anything at all…”)
Werner Erhard (a personal hero of mine) founder of EST (now Landmark Forums) wrote, “The definition of love is allowing others the space to be as they are, and the space to be as they’re not.” I’ve yet to come across a better definition.
I may still be unsure as to whether or not I actually like you, but I’m pretty sure at some level I probably love you, and more importantly (selfish guy that I am), that I have something to learn from you – even if that learning is mostly about myself.
Don’t force the process – let it unfold, but as Mary Morrissey, a former pastor of mine says, “you gotta make room for it…” it will result in a powerful shift. Seriously.
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