On Being Perfect - (Or Thinking Myself so...)

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -Sam Keen

At 55 I am just starting to wake up to some things – and one of the most enjoyable things has been an awareness of my increased tolerance for people I’m not sure I actually like. 

Maybe Facebook has had something to do with this. I certainly love my Facebook friends (or at least like most of them a lot, most of the time) but sure enough – in the many years since elementary school, high school, college, or whatever other venue we originally connected at, people change and grow to be different than us. 

Today, after a rather long and tedious discussion about who’s in and who’s out in terms of heaven, which devolved into complex nitpicky stuff (not that it wasn’t all interesting) one of the guys who definitely had an opinion other than mine (i.e. was “wrong”) Friended me. I thought about it a little bit before accepting the request and then decided that I needed a different perspective in my life – or, perhaps the Universe felt that he needed something different in his life, and sent me. Either way was OK.

Lori Deschene wrote on her blog, “I suspect we try to change and fix other people because we’re acutely aware of our own imperfections and don’t want to deal with the pain of recognizing them in others.” I really get that this is true, and I try (not always successfully) to recognize when I find myself getting worked up to a frazzle by some discussion or issue, to recognize what in me is being triggered by the conversation or situation. 

What is causing my blood-pressure to rise? I’m pretty clear that whatever is happening is a trigger, not a cause (the difference is important and while I have written about it before, here’s a rehash…a “cause” will result in everyone feeling the same way about something, whereas a “trigger” won’t. Simple. Some people will be triggered by whatever is happening, but not everyone. When some people feel strongly about something, but not everyone – then the feelings are something inside of you, not endemic to the situation itself.)

Very few things that result in a response of anger within ourselves are “caused”. Most are triggered. Important to know. Anyway, I’m trying to recognize this dynamic in my daily life – because the secret to not being “triggered” is to step back and watch oneself respond (or, in some cases, react) and understand what it is about oneself that is causing that response/reaction. And, the greater the response/reaction, the greater the potential is for identification with whatever the trigger is.

So, in English – I get outraged about injustice because I am being, at some level of myself or in some particular situation, unjust. Or, something sets me off because at some level (and it may not be an easily accessible conscious level) I identify with whatever is happening and because I am angry about what ever it is, as it exists in myself, I project that anger outwards to the person, circumstance or situation – although really, really, it’s about me.

When you think about it, everything we see in other people represents something going on in our own heads and hearts. We couldn’t know or identify anything in other people, unless we knew it first in ourselves. I know that’s a bit of an edgy statement, but I really believe its true.

We recognize selfishness–or what we interpret as selfishness–because we’ve been selfish before. We see fear, impatience, and annoyance–or what we assume those things look like–because we’ve felt them before.

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” Some of us just don’t have a lot of freedom in our hearts."

Erin Lanahan writes what is common to all of humanity; “I know you hurt, just like me, and you feel joy, just like me. You worry and feel scared sometimes, just like me. You have bad days, just like me, and you have amazing days, just like me. You are seeking, just like me. You want to believe in love, just like me.”

Yet for a variety of reasons, we work overtime to demonize other people. People we just wish were perfect, like ourselves.

Sometimes it means that we need to be really honest. I wrote about that on Monday. Sometimes it might mean that we best keep our yappers shut. (A la, “if you haven’t anything good to say, don’t say anything at all…”)

Werner Erhard (a personal hero of mine) founder of EST (now Landmark Forums) wrote, “The definition of love is allowing others the space to be as they are, and the space to be as they’re not.” I’ve yet to come across a better definition.

I may still be unsure as to whether or not I actually like you, but I’m pretty sure at some level I probably love you, and more importantly (selfish guy that I am), that I have something to learn from you – even if that learning is mostly about myself.

Don’t force the process – let it unfold, but as Mary Morrissey, a former pastor of mine says, “you gotta make room for it…” it will result in a powerful shift. Seriously.

The Selfishness of Kindness

"Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true."  Robert Brault

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” Samuel Johnson

I will confess to not always being a kind person. This isn’t news to my friends (I’m sure). A while back I decided that the value of being honest with people, a trait I was sorely in need of, outweighed being “nice”, if being nice was defined as not being honest. Sometimes I just like to call idiots “idiots” – and while at some higher consciousness level, I recognize that there may be reasons why they disagree with me (my number one criteria for defining someone as an idiot) but that really doesn’t change stuff a lot.

Sometimes I feel crotchety although I don’t think I am quite old enough to really wear that comfortably.

I admire Dr. Constance Brennen on Bones (FOX) for her ability to accurately peg a situation without sugar-coating it, but also without seeming in any way malicious or intentionally hurtful. She is a bit of a role model to me.

I guess I like to know where I stand with people – so it seems natural that I assume that they want the same in return. Knowing they want the same honesty in return, I want to be honest about how I feel – but that doesn’t mean I am out of tune with people’s feelings or sensitivities. Or that I don’t think of others, even ahead of myself occasionally. For me there’s kind talk and kind doing. Kind talk doesn’t always cut it for me. BS is still BS. If you say something and it’s not what you really think, the generally accepted word for that is lying. Better (probably) to say nothing at all. Kind doing is another matter…and since what we do flows out of who we are, I think that’s a more genuine marker of our natural bent towards kindness.

Recently I read a research study that suggested kindness is literally contagious. (I read it by accident, it was co-authored by James H. Fowler, and I had been googling James K. Fowler, who wrote the Stages of Faith – so it’s a different James Fowler – who’d of thought?...Then, I found a cool video interview of James H. Fowler on The Colbert Report which upped my esteem for the wrong James Fowler quite a bit)…Anyway, According to Science Daily:

“When people benefit from kindness they ‘pay it forward’ by helping others who were not originally involved, and this creates a cascade of cooperation that influences dozens more in a social network.”

“In the current study, Fowler and Christakis show that when one person gives money to help others in a "public-goods game," where people have the opportunity to cooperate with each other, the recipients are more likely to give their own money away to other people in future games. This creates a domino effect in which one person's generosity spreads first to three people and then to the nine people that those three people interact with in the future, and then to still other individuals in subsequent waves of the experiment.”

One simple act of generosity, consideration, or thoughtfulness can literally have a domino affect, eventually touching people you have never met and may never meet. In a very real way, kindness can expand our positive impact on the world way beyond the limitations of our individual reach. How totally cool is that?

We might not be able to see it or measure it, but if we all make a conscious choice to be generous (the tangible form of being kind), we can create the kind of world we want to live in, starting with ourselves.

So then the question of “What does it mean to be kind?” surfaces again, and for me being kind boils down to being selfish…I’m not kind because I want you to like me, I’m kind because I want me to like me. Kindness and generosity serve me because they feel so good.

Want to do a random act of kindness? Go to Wendy’s (the fast-food restaurant), buy a half-dozen Frosties (mmmm….) and then anonymously deliver them to people. People you know, or you don’t know…doesn’t really matter. If you’re depressed it’s a sure cure. Keep one for yourself, of course.

Other tangible ways of being selfishly kind…(Thanks Lori Deschene for some of these cool ideas)

• Listen without forming an opinion or judgment. Just listen. When you just listen it means you don’t have to work at forming an opinion. Just be present. Let someone tell a story without the need to one-up them or tell your own. Just listen. Easy-peasy.
• Give without expecting something in return. See Wendy’s exercise above.
• Help without feeling or acting superior. One of the strange things I think about a lot of church work is that doing something turns into a ministry, which translates into I have something to offer you from my abundance to your lack…there’s other less flattering translations too, but the general view is a position of inequality. Sometimes this is reality. You need a buck. I’ve got a buck. I give you a buck. Now you’ve got a buck. Sometimes it’s more complicated when I start to feel superior because I gave you my buck and I start wondering why you aren’t more grateful. See previous bullet point.
• Be willing to say no if it’s the best thing you can do. Here’s where the honesty thing comes in. Sometimes I can’t help you, or do what you ask, or even what I see you might need – without a lot of baggage, or the potential for baggage. Resentment, entailed feelings, dependencies, blah, blah, blah…Better to just say no. Keep it simple. Let the Universe provide. It will – via another channel. If there isn’t joy in your heart when you are asked to do something – take a breath, step back, and evaluate if your heart isn’t telling you to skip this opportunity.
• Be kind to yourself – it’s the first step in being kind to everyone else! Ha! Like that is going to happen…What does being kind to yourself even mean? Well, it means recognizing that any desire to fix people, enable people, be all things to all people, or to continue in relationships that have lived long past their natural shelf life, are holding you back just sure-as-shooting as if some judge had handed you a prison sentence. Why would you do that to yourself? Being kind to yourself might mean examining what you really think about yourself. What you feel your place in the world is (do you really think you’re a doormat? If not, why are you insisting on being one?)

Do you feel your self-esteem is defined by how much of a martyr you are? Is that what you think Jesus wants? Seriously? What may have worked for Joan of Arc probably doesn’t apply to you so put away the matches and quit stacking firewood for the pyre, because you can do better.

The most important thing – be selfish – do these or things like this because it feels so great to do it. Never because you “should” do them, or because you imagine Jesus/Buddha or whoever wants you to do them. Because you want to do them and when you do, life feels wonderful. Plenty good reason enough. How do you spread kindness around you? And can you be honest about why?

Beware the Automatic "Yes"...

“A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.” ~Gandhi

Stop the automatic behavior. Stop saying “yes” if it’s not what you really want to do.

A few weeks ago I reconnected over lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in a number of years. In the early 90’s, I worked for Ecumenical Ministries of Oregon (as an Administrative Assistant to the legendary Dr. Rodney Page) and somehow my duties morphed to working with the Earth And Spirit Council in the planning of an amazing conference with Matthew Fox on environmental awareness and spirituality. After the conference I became a founding member of the Earth and Spirit Board, and its secretary for a couple of years.

The Board was an amazing and eclectic group of visionary people. Now, twenty years later, there is a movement to create another conference, called “Earth and Spirit; The Second Generation” – which will speak to a new generation. I am really thrilled by the idea. My friend at lunch asked me if I wanted to get involved again. I gave a tentative “yes”…but it hasn’t worked out.

It’s not that I don’t want to get involved, or that I don’t believe in the effort. I do and I do. It’s that in seriously evaluating my life right now, there are other things I want to do more. But, my friend is very charismatic and focused, so I found myself saying “maybe” (thinking to myself, “well, maybe…”) rather than “No, but thank you for asking” which would have been more honest and accurate.

I realized, after misreading an email, driving to downtown Portland only to learn I had the wrong date – that my feelings about the issue were complex, but the most specific feeling was that this wasn’t so much of a priority for me anymore. I have moved on to other things.

It’s not that I don’t care. I do. Very much in fact - but now I care differently.

How many of us take what is handed to us, follow what is put in front of us or say yes to things that don’t really align with who we are or what we want in our lives? How often do I say “Yes” more because I want to be liked, or avoid conflict – than because I am really committed to something?

I’m a huge fan of the word yes. I am a huge fan of saying “yes” to life. But I also realize that sometimes we say yes to things that don’t matter to us. We pass the time with the word yes, and don’t really utilize our choice in the matter. In this case “yes” loses its value.

I had a teacher who once told me “Your ‘Yes’s mean nothing until you learn how to say ‘No’.”

I’m trying to become more conscious of my ready use of the word “yes”. Or at the very least to take a breath and tell people, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” This is very difficult for me because I want to be all things to all people. To not say yes on the spot might be to risk disapproval.

I found this mode to be quite liberating…and am getting much better at getting over the guilt that seems to creep in when I say “no”. No, I can’t do that. No, I don’t have time. No, I’m not interested. No, it’s not a match. No, maybe another time. No, I need more. No, but how about this?

A few years back a very nice older gentleman from my church asked me if I would play the piano at a special dinner he was having for his square-dancing friends. The night of the event, I found myself pulling up to the old Masonic Lodge where the event was being held and feeling a lot of resentment for my friend – why had he imposed on me like this?

In one of those “a-ha” moments it dawned on me that the only reason I was there was not because my friend asked me, it was because I had said, “Yes”. The only person who imposed on me was myself. Why was I blaming my friend if I was the one who said “Yes”? I made a choice.

If you say yes to everything, never discerning the right yes for you, what difference does it make what you’re saying yes to? Your yes loses its authority. And sometimes from that we can start resenting people when the real problem lies within ourselves. Not fair…

Learning the power of the word no is about learning the power of discernment and becoming deliberate in your choices. You have to get rid of the old before you can take on the new. You have to say no to the things that don’t serve you to make room for the yes in your life that does.

Why is this so difficult for some of us?

Because it forces us to be deciders. Yikes!

It forces us to choose. In forcing us to choose, it makes us very conscious of what we’re choosing. In being very conscious of what we’re choosing, we become vulnerable or fearful that what we want might not be available to us. We become aware that our physical and emotional resources are limited – that we (at least in terms of our time and energy) are finite beings. And, like relationships, we are forced to commit. No more excuses about “why do those people always bother me?” – so if there’s any discomfort or resentment, I have to own it. Scary.

So what would be wrong with learning how to make deliberate choices in the direction of our desires, or the things that really charge us up anyway?

What would be so wrong with just pausing on an automatic yes to consider, “Is this what I really want? Is this something I’m passionate about?” And then thinking it through before making a final decision?

Because, the thing is, sometimes we say yes to things because we are afraid our life is as good as it gets. So, then the question becomes one of faith: Do we believe we can have what we want? Do we have the ability to receive our good?

Or have we so cluttered our lives with small yes’s that we miss out on the one yes that truly matters?

Take some time to consider what you are saying yes to. Ask yourself, “…is my heart in this? Or can I let this go to make room for something that matters more?”

Then realize that it’s not the “something” that matters more. It’s that you matter more, and it’s time to simply decide.

And trust.

On Knowing Stuff

“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” - Gerry Spence

I am a big fan of formal education. That said, I have lots of friends who don’t have degrees of one sort or another whom I consider to be brilliant and insightful, and a few friends who do have degrees (sometimes graduate ones) I consider to be dolts. Education, like money – is a commodity that can be used effectively for the benefit of both ourselves and the world at large, or as a tool to insulate ourselves from the dynamic changes of life.

Once we start to “learn” that this is this and that is that – we start to limit ourselves. We start to limit ourselves because nothing is ever that simple – and what appears as one thing on one level, may be something completely different on other levels. What education does NOT generally do is allow us to critically view anything from a variety of view points so we can see that sometimes things are both “this” and “that.”

Many of us (me at the top of the list) are uncomfortable with ambiguity. We like to be certain of things – and one of the psychological reasons for this is that our certainty allows us to move on – once we know “this” is true, we can put speculation to rest and move on to the next knowing. It’s convenient and tidy. Better yet – it’s safe. “Safe” is something many of us value over “happy.”

The world and people feel a lot safer when you think you have them pegged, but the truth is that there’s far more we don’t know than do know, and that will likely always be the case.

Werner Erhard in EST long ago taught “Belief is a non-experiential way of knowing.” In the many years since my participation in that program I have had a lot of time to meditate on this. Many of the beliefs we consider facts are really just things we wish were true–comforting ideas that we’re scared to release. We hold on to our beliefs for dear life…and there is a certain comfort about that – although it limits us from opening to new and potentially life-changing ideas.

If we can let go of our need to know and be right, we can be amazed, inspired, motivated, challenged, and filled with wonder every day.

If we can accept that more often than not, there is no definite answer, we can connect through our collective vulnerability instead of separating through our individual understandings. Can I spent a couple of minutes looking at what beliefs I am particularly attached to? Can I meditate on what my experience would be if I held a different belief from the one I have?

We are all in this together – in a world rife with unknowns. The things we know, the things we don't know, the things we don't know we don't know... Here’s to drawing one less unnecessary line in the sand today. Here’s to believing more in each other than in our interpretations of what’s true. Here’s to opening up to what’s possible instead of clinging to what seems probable.

Freedom of The Mind

“I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The mind is an amazing thing – different from the brain, the mind is that seat of consciousness that can either contain our individual sense of ego-self, or the collective experience of all of us. Or both. Simultaneously

In his book Wisdom 2.0: Ancient Secrets for the Creative and Constantly Connected, Soren Gordhamer explores a concept he calls cup/ocean mind.

The mind, he explains, can be like a cup or the ocean. When you place a drop of blue dye in a cup, the entire contents may change color, whereas when you place that same drop in the ocean, it barely has an impact.

If we focus on the cup model – a whole lot of things can affect us. A story on the Today Show can set the tone for the whole day. Or dwelling on something said or did to us previously in the week – any of those things can color our experience and create a negative filter through which all new experience is viewed. Like tea, it takes a while refilling the cup for the coloring to become dissipated enough that it no longer effects us.

In the Ocean model, we have the possibility of letting the same experience in, but rather than identifying how whatever it is just effects me, we can step back and look at the whole of things – recognizing that whatever has happened is just a drop of food coloring in the ocean of experience. It won’t change the nature of the sea.

Many of us spend much of our time at the cup level – what’s in it for me? Or, “it’s all about me…” and we really don’t recognize the power of mind to connect us with everyone and everything else. Many people are in pain and anxiety and the ocean level allows us to share in that – to be empathetic to a powerful degree, but many people are also filled with joy – and the ocean level allows us to access that joy and enthusiasm – to make it a part of ourselves, and again to empathize in wonderful ways.

Our own thoughts and feelings affect our minds in similar ways. These challenges can completely consume us and alter our entire experience of a given day; or, if we create an ocean of mental space, they can be a part of our experience that we can notice, sit with, and then release. No one is suggesting we deny our feelings, but we can take much more control in how we manage them so that we don’t feel so overwhelmed.

We can allow anger from the morning to snowball in the afternoon and evening, or we can recognize it, feel it, then let it go. We can obsess over everything we think we did wrong or want to do differently, or we can recognize the stress and worry, move beyond them, and then decide to see things from a different angle.

Today if your mind gets overwhelming, ask yourself: What can I do to create some space? Then do it: Take a walk, practice deep breathing, or simply sit in stillness.

We are always going to think and feel. There is no escape from the mind. Whether or not it’s a prison is entirely up to us. The keys to our freedom are within. There's no need to check under the couch cushions.

I’ve always loved the quote, “Prison is a state of mind, not an address…”

Being All You Can Be...

"Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.” -George Sheehan

We had a little bit of a conversation yesterday in our church book group (we're reading A Generous Orthodoxy by Brian D. McLaren) - about pre-determination in one's life...is there a "Master Plan" that sets out who we are destined to become? Some people in theological circles call this the "chess piece" model. Are we "pre-determined" for a particular goal or destiny, or do we choose out destiny.

I don’t know that I believe we were “meant to be” anything specifically, but I know that we all have greater intentions that often get suffocated under the weight of our daily responsibilities. I also know that many of us (if not all) are gifted with particular life experiences, skills and talents which, when fully actualized, will lead us towards certain ends. As one awakens to this reality, it's a very powerful experience to realize that there is a greater sense of self we can move towards.

Even the bad stuff in our lives has a purpose - it offers us the possibility of transcending our challenges and, if we choose to effectively process whatever happens, if we choose to face it head-on, without flinching, with some honesty and courage - we have the potential to be an example for others that survival is possible - and, as we overcome whatever the challenge might have been, we become stronger and more effective as humans.

Many of us want to make the world a better place, or to mean something to other people. What that looks like differs for each of us, and sometimes it changes or evolves from one day, one month, and one year to the next - as our own insight into who we are evolves.

But it’s up to us all individually to wake up every day and decide that those intentions are what really matter. It’s not (really) money, approval, acclaim, or anything else that might distract us from what we believe to be true. What matters is who we want to be, and what we do about it today. It matters more who you are, than what you do. Ultimately your doing will flow out of your being.

I want to be someone who cares deeply. I think that is my destiny, and the end-result of all my current life experiences and relationships. Whether that destiny was pre-ordained for me or not doesn't really matter. I also remain constantly amazed, delighted and entertained at the interesting ways that path continues to play out in my life.

Who do you want to be – and what will you do about it today?