On Getting It - Today

“In the long run we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving.” -Sheldon Kopp

The subject of getting and giving has been high on my mind the past couple of weeks as I'm transitioning out of the job I've had for the past couple of years and beginning to look for something new. A lot of my thinking has revolved around how happy I'll be when my future (or least immediate financial future) is a little more settled and on stable ground. I have to remind myself that maybe I'm missing the point. 

My friend and former pastor Mary Manin Morrissey wrote this in an email the other day:

“Every so often, I am reminded of the Thornton Wilder play, "Our Town," where Emily has passed on to the next realm.  She is given the opportunity to relive one day of her life, and she chooses her twelfth birthday.  From the higher realm, she views her life as she was at twelve.

Emily comes down the stairs of the house where she was raised and her family is all busy doing what they do.  The kids are playing, her father is doing his thing and her mother is in the kitchen cooking.   There’s the smell of the coffee, the sound of the toast being buttered and the laughter all around. There are flowers in the yard with the sun shining through -- it’s a little bit misty and she just sees life happening.

She asks, Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? - every, every minute?"

The Narrator responds, “No, not really. Saints and poets perhaps. Sometimes.”

What a great question to ask ourselves. Do I really recognize how wonderful my life is while I’m living the minute-to-minute daily grind?

I suspect if you’re like me (and perhaps the majority of us) you don’t live in that appreciation. It might occur in glimmers or glimpses now and then, especially if something wonderful or cool happens, but on the days when we deal with the routine trials, tribulations and junk, on the days when we have to do the laundry and gas up the car – we don’t feel that our life is very wonderful.

What’s odd (to me) is that we cling so tightly to our resistance to whatever is happening. It fascinates me how often we focus on what’s happening that we don’t like rather than the sparkles of good dusted through our day. We even rationalize our clinging with a fear that tells us to hold on for dear life or something else bad might happen. We don’t want things to get worse.

Fear tells us to cling to the people we love so that we will not lose them. Fear tells us not to share what we have or else we might not have enough. Fear tells us not to spend any money because we might need what we give up.

Fear is the voice that says, “Don’t let go,” but it’s only when we release and free our arms that we’re ready to receive. It’s only when we empty the cup that we can put something new into it - It’s only when we release our tight, deathlike grasp on our idea that things should be different than how they are, that we can recognize the smell of coffee brewing, or flowers, or the sunlight filtering through the trees in the yard. And appreciate those things for the wonders they are.

It’s not because giving always equals getting – a cosmic tit-for-tat - It’s because we generally don’t open ourselves to what might be, to potentials -  when we’re cowering in fear, tightly clutching our ideas about what should be…or how things should be different. 

There is always going to be the possibility of loss. Some risks don’t pay off, and there’s no way to get around that. But the only way to get to the ones that do pay off is to decide the possibility is worth the risk – give right now a chance. You might be amazed at what you get.

What If I Really Liked Myself?

“Concern yourself not with what is right and what is wrong but with what is important.” ~Unknown

Of all my friends, Facebook and otherwise, I personally do not know anyone who, after all is said and done, is not interested in increasing their self-esteem.

We all want to feel good about ourselves. It’s the root of pretty much everything. I remember when I lived in a dorm with a bunch of guys. I would be endlessly entertained by the amount of time some of my friends spent in the mirror. Primping. Adjust everything so it was just so. Interesting when you already have a crew cut.

I’ve not been a mirror-friendly person. I’m not happy with the way I look (too fat), don’t spend any time primping – usually keep my hair cut short (no fuss, no muss and it works well with my convertible) and dress like someone on skid row. I think there is an iron in the house somewhere, but doubt I could quickly lay my hands on it.

My vanity (such as it is) is of the interior sort and I am more concerned about appearing intellectual, bright and sarcastically witty. So I’ll cognitively primp. But just like my buddies with the muscles and tans in the dorm mirrors, I want to feel good about myself too. I want the kind of self-esteem that says, “I’m worth it”. Or, “I matter” or “Listen to me, I have value.”

I sure don’t always live as if that’s the case. The number one way I sabotage that is the long held tendency I have of responding, “That’s OK” when people disappoint me or don’t keep their commitments to something we’ve agreed to do. It’s as if being liked by them is more important than recognizing that we had a commitment. When I say, “I understand.” (And often I do), it’s not far off from saying “I don’t matter.” (And I often do.)

I suspect at some slightly deeper psychological level this is my way of validating, to myself that I really don’t matter. Or that I don’t “esteem” myself as much as I esteem keep up a superficial relationship with you (superficial because I am not being honest with you that I am pissed off that you missed our lunch date or whatever) – or that perhaps my commitment to avoiding discomfort by way of confrontation trumps my commitment to being honest. Any of these? All of these? I just throw them into the mix and see what shakes up.

What Is Self-Esteem?

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, self-esteem is a confidence and satisfaction in oneself or self respect.

For many of us, we are so insecure that in order for us to feel that our answers and perspectives are right and that our point of view is legitimate, we need people to agree with us and our way of thinking. This is the root of the pushy Christian stuff we so often joke about.

As we become more mature, we learn over the years was that it is okay for other people to have different points of view, and if I truly believe something is right, in general or right for me, it does not matter what others think. We learn to not rely only on what others think. That doesn’t mean we can’t take in their feedback and perspectives – it’s healthy and necessary that we do. It just means that we can still think what we think.

Some tips to increasing and maintaining Self-Esteem.

•                Know your values. Determine what’s really important to you. Bring this knowledge to conscious attention.

•                Know when you have an internal conflict between values.

•                Walk the talk. Try to make sure you have integration between your values and actions.

•                Learn how to give things up. Ask yourself, “What am I really willing to sacrifice?” If you want to start a new career, maybe you need to learn to let other things go. And if you do decide to give things up, do it without feeling bad about it or feeling guilty. It is a decision you have every right to make.

•                See yourself as a unique person who has many resources, skills and gifts. I don’t care who you are – you have all of the above.

•                Use the words: “I choose to_______” instead of helpless phrases like “I can’t because_________” or “I am like this because of_________”. You have a choice. You decide the circumstances.

•                Listen to the voices in your head that give you a litany of excuses why you can’t do something. Those voices don’t want change. They want to keep the status quo. Evict them. Richard Bach writes, “Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they’re yours.”

•                Be authentic and be assertive. If you don’t want to do something, say you don’t want to do it. The interesting thing is that other people will respect you MORE than if you commit to something, waffle around, and then do a half-baked job. And you will respect yourself more. (That’s the most important part!)

•                Don’t beat around the bush. If something is important, go for it.

•                Visualize and plan. Know what you want and plan for it.

Be clear that the reason we do anything is because we want to and because it serves us in some way. If you’re in a relationship that’s way past it’s shelf-life, and the relationship is longer doing anything but draining you – you can continue to choose to be a martyr (although it’s still really hard to get canonized as a Saint so don’t count on that) or you can recognize that by letting go, you’re being authentic to both you and the other person – opening up a new space so you can both move on.


Likewise, don't feel bad about asking for what you want. The reality is that people will say "Yes" or "No" based on what serves them best. If they say "Yes" and rely mean "No" - your self-esteem doesn't have to take a hit because they can't be authentic. It's not about you. 


What can we do today to like ourselves a little more. Not the "I'm so wonderful and you're not..." kind of like, but the kind of like that would allow us to go into a restaurant, by ourselves, order lunch and simply enjoy our own company. That's not asking too much...

On Being Happy Today

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” -Eckhart Tolle, from The Power Of Now

I’ve written before on the contingency mentality. That state of mind where we’re waiting for something to happen so we can be happy. I’ll be happy when _____ (fill in the blank). We grow up with that mindset – it’s always whatever is coming up down the road that’s going to do it for us. Being eight (not seven), getting into high school, out of high school, first car, date, love, job, etc., etc. Those milestones come and go and somehow whoever we were before, persists into our new bliss. In fact, there is no bliss because a little bit after the novelty of whatever we were looking forward to happens, we’re back to our usual self.

I have a lot of friends who are in prison doing time. Prison isn’t an especially fun place to be (although it can have its moments) and “getting out” is big on the minds of most people. ‘I’ll be happy when I get out…” is a pretty standard line, or certainly a very standard train of thought. So people get out and guess what? Yep. Not happy (after an amazingly short time) then either.

Wassup with that?

It’s really hard for us to get that “This is It!” Right now. Life is happening. This moment is happening. Because this moment is so, normal. Isn’t life about the special moments?

I had my (most dramatic) awakening in the spring of 1994. The seeds had been planted, but I didn’t really get it until one day when I was sitting on the edge of my bunk in an Eastern Oregon prison cell - looking at the late-afternoon sunlight creating a very focused beam of light onto the floor. In that beam there were perhaps thousands of little dust particles dancing – the light refracting every which way. I remember much about the moment. Perhaps the most overwhelming and vivid memory was how beautiful the dust particles were. And how effortlessly they danced and played in the light. And how grateful I was to be able to see that beauty. And how it didn’t matter where I was, or how unlikely the event was – or how deep and intense the feelings of gratitude were, or really anything else. I was awakened and fully present. And aware that the moment in question was the only moment that existed.

You might not think to compare beloved children’s writer Dr. Seuss to spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle, but there’s a common message about happiness in both their works: We can only experience joy through action in the now, not by waiting to get it some day, when everything works out and makes sense. Or when everything is in order, or the planets line up – or we get out of prison (or someone we love does). Either we have it now – get it now – or we don’t. Because the Now is the only thing that exists.

From Dr. Seuss’ Oh the Places You Will Go:

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

He then writes: No! That’s not for you!

But I’m going to alter that slightly since we’re all adults now. That very well might be you. I know that it’s been me. I know that each day I push against a life-long inclination to postpone my happiness until; well until the stars line up in the way I think they should.

I’ve waited for the right time to make a change, the ideal time to tell someone how I feel, the safest time to try something new, and the easiest time to take care of myself. Because I did astrology professionally for a while in my life – I actually check the moon-phases in the paper. Deep down though – I know. I know this is it. Right now, right this minute. All there is and al there ever will be.

The only problem is that it rarely feels right, ideal, safe, or easy to say what we want to say, or take the risk we know we are capable of taking. We frame our fear in ways that are merely excuses to let the moment slip away. And it does. Over and over again until they have run out. Check the obituary section of the paper. Look at the photos. Experience the moments that have run out.

“One who is content with what one has is always happy.” ~Chinese Proverb

Too many people think, “I’ll be able to start enjoying life once I get __________________.” Don’t put it off for tomorrow or next month.

This moment is a chance to do something differently, no matter how small it may seem. Every big change starts with one small choice. Consider making today’s small choice the choice to be happy.

On Doing What We Love

“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it however.” [Richard Bach, Illusions]

A while back (think 1990’s) I read a wonderful book by Marsha Sinetar; Do What You Love And The Money Will Follow, There’s a rare few who start with a trust fund or a nice nest egg. They are gifted with the financial security to follow their passion, so the daily worries of how the bills will be paid aren’t really a concern. That doesn’t apply to most of us. So is that advice just helpful or apropos to the wealthy? I think not. 

It’s not always easy to do what you love for a career, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. It can be challenging, frustrating, and sometimes scary to discover your word and put your heart into it–and let’s face it, some people have greater advantages than others. The only response to this is “So what?”

That being said, we all have the same time in our days, and we all have choices to make. And, time to throw in one of my favorite quotes here, “Just because what’s so is so, it’s also ‘So What?’” Whatever impediments exist only because we allow them to exist, or, because we define them as impediments.

A couple of thoughts on doing what you love; First – there is the clear implication that you know what it is you love. It’s so helpful when wanting to move towards a certain direction or goal, to have a direction or goal in mind. It reminds me a little of wanting to run to the grocery store at night to pick up a quick snack. Where I live, there are three really great groceries within two miles (and Costco, but no quick trips there…) So, when I pull the car out of the garage and head out, I’ve got to know which of the grocery stores I want to go to. While I know I want a snack (motivation), and am familiar with all the places I can go to address that (choice), I need to pick one and aim the car in that direction. That’s the only thing that will end up in result.

But for some people that’s hard to do. The motivation part isn’t hard, but they get stuck in the choices.

It’s like saying to oneself, “I’m not happy with the way things are right now, but I’m not sure what will fix it…” You gotta do some diagnostics.

A lot of the diagnostics starts with changing one’s thinking. AA/NA tradition has a wonderful saying, “Think what you’ve always thought and you’ll get what you always got…” so becoming aware of how we think about our lives is part of the process of figuring out what is going to really charge our batteries.

So many of us focus on what we don’t want, that we forget how powerfully we are attracted and drawn to what we do want. Our choices become more a process of aversion to what we don’t want, than an attraction to what we do want. We are drawn to the very things we fear (and those things are drawn to us), because that’s where we focus our thinking.

Back to the grocery store – I don’t want to go to New Seasons because it’s so expensive. OK Fine. Don’t go there…but more effective to identify where you do want go – and get it done.

It’s easy in the process to get swamped by all the things that are wrong, or to feel frozen by the perceived impediments in our path. Many of these are self-imposed limitations, or mind-sets and belief systems other people have tried to super-impose on us and we’ve bought into it.

It’s curious how when someone says we can’t do something, or that it’s unlikely we’ll succeed – the part of us that is insecure, or questions our abilities is so quick to agree. We don’t have to live like that – and when we do live like that, it doesn’t serve any useful good whatsoever.

So, time to count the little successes. It may also come to pass that if we take the risk to follow our bliss, happiness comes not only in the result – but in the journey to reach the result. And, we’re already on that journey. How cool is that?

The Decision to Hold or Fold

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” -Havelock Ellis

I hate making big decisions – or, more accurately – I hate the process that is required of me before I make a big decision. I don't mean to friend or not to friend on Facebook. Or chicken versus steak for dinner. I mean a decision involving relationships, work, housing, car purchases. What’s the bottom line? I’m a chicken when it comes to letting go of something familiar  (even if it’s unsatisfying, uncomfortable or unproductive) to open the way for the unknown.

I’m thinking I’m not alone in this.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m GREAT at decisions when it comes to other people. I can quickly tell you, “Hey…that’s a no-win situation, or a deal-breaker…” or "Yep, here's what I think you should do..." and mean every word of it. After all, I do life coaching and people expect me to have at least some of the answers. (Yes, I believe that transpersonal coaching is more about questions than answers but play along here for a bit, ok?)

So, making tough decisions that don’t actually involve my personal butt in a position of risk? No problem. Decisions that do?  Whoa…not so easy.

This isn’t easy to admit, but sometimes in order to make a decision involving change, I have to back myself into a corner. I think more than once in my life when I needed or wanted to make more money, instead of just taking the steps to create more income (by adjusting my work, asking for more wages, finding something else to do – or moving to a different avenue altogether) – I upped my expenses (usually by purchasing a more expensive car) thus requiring me to make more money, and providing the motivation for doing whatever needed to be done to generate more income.

So, whatever I bought became not a reward for doing well, but a motivation to keep doing well or, even more dysfunctional – an impetus to try and do well. Talk about creating artificial stress. Have to keep up the payments because credit is important to me (or more honestly, being liked by whoever my creditors are is important to me, the score itself has never mattered that much). Sounds weird even writing about it.

So a few years back when I had a financial meltdown due to this (I’m using the highly technical psychological term I learned for this mindset here) stupid strategy, I vowed to change. Like so many of our deeply ingrained coping mechanisms, it’s easier said than done.

Like so many quirky personality traits, I’ve seen this trait manifest itself in a variety of ways in my life. In relationships where I’ll stick around a lot longer than I know is healthy (for either of us) because I think that just someday around the corner, the subject of my unbridled kindness, compassion, awareness and solicitude will wake up and realize how much I care. (OK – it could happen).

I don’t immediately realize that if I let go, and let them learn whatever they need to learn, that it’s very possible that they may come closer to an awakening experience – but that awakening experience certainly won’t happen while I’m busy cheerleading (and not genuinely meaning it), fixing things – or generally impeding their ability to accept and deal with consequences of their crappy choices.

That kind of enabling isn’t what love is. It’s dependency making.

I’ve seen this trait in finances – as outlined before, where I’ll max out what I can possibly afford – recognizing that my OCD about paying bills will be the motivational push I need to move to the next level. Sometimes that works for a while, until the stress kicks in. Or, as my way-totally cool Mercedes Service Advisor  Syd puts it – “you probably can afford the car, but you can’t afford the maintenance.” True on so many levels.

And work – hired to do one thing that morphs and evolves into something so dramatically different as to be unrecognizable from the original job. All because I don’t want to let go. Because I value the safety of a paycheck. 

I think the essence of this is recognizing the difference between letting go of the dream, and letting go of my attaching to a particular outcome around the dream. I can still dream the highest good for the people I love, and even include myself in that highest good in some respect, but what comes down to being most effective is letting go of my ideas of what a specific result or outcome of that dream will be. Instead of the mantra, “I want this” – expanding that to “I want this or something better…”

Like anything, I believe strongly that we have to start with a baseline. We have to have an idea of what we want and put it out there. My highest and best would be teaching classes and facilitating groups, mostly for people who have been in prisons, jails, (either real ones or mental ones – I’m OK either way) or dealing with addiction issues. I believe that was what I was called to do. The ultimate reason I was created and gifted with the eclectic composite of experiences I call my life. Do I do it? Ummm… a little. What keeps me from moving fully in the direction of what I really love?

Fear.  Not fear of rejection, or not doing a good job (I’m an awesome speaker and facilitator – and put me in front of a crowd and I shine). It's fear of letting go of the familiar and moving towards the unfamiliar.

Ultimately those are the handcuffs that connect me most tightly to my felon friends. I’m inclined to stay safe, even if safe is a long way away from satisfying. I have enough psychological education to outline, perhaps in four or five different systems, the multitude of dynamics that has created this particular personality structure in myself. Knowing about something doesn’t change it.

Everyone knows smoking is bad for you. Or salt. Or saturated fat. Or a lifetime of criminal behavior. Does that change anything? Sadly, too often not.  But once you have the awareness you have something else the awareness gifts you with - choices.

So, once again I find myself asking “What would I do differently today if I wasn’t afraid?” What decisions would I make? How would my time be structured differently? Who would I call today to set another future in motion if I had no fear?

All I can do in this is learn to more carefully listen to my heart, my body (major disconnect there) – and perhaps that strange voice of “circumstances” that seems to surround every major decision – like this morning’s note from the Universe, delivered by email.

“All that you need to have all that you want, Scott, will be provided, as if by magic, once you know what you want and do something about it every day. No matter what. “ [The Universe.] 

All This is Making Me Anxious

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” [Pema Chodron]

I hate feeling anxious. It’s funny to hate a feeling state, but anxiety is just one of those states I can’t enjoy. Among people 15-54, about 17% of that population suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder during any given year. Anxiety is a step up from worry or concern – it festers beneath the surface and can color every aspect of our perception.

Like a cold or stuffy nose anxiety can dramatically change our interaction with the world around us. Our interface with the world becomes challenged and, more often than not, our filter darkens and narrows.

The “narrows” can be eventually be the biggest challenge, because if something particular has triggered our feelings of anxiety – creating solutions or moving beyond whatever has happened becomes harder the more focused and anxious we become about whatever we think might happen.

After years of working in and with the personal growth community I have learned literally dozens of techniques for calming my anxiety. That’s great news. On the other hand, after seriously working with some of these techniques, my experience is that although most work for short periods of time, our longer, deeper relationship with anxiety is much more complex.  

My own levels of anxiety fluctuate from the mild to the obsessed.  (Sound pretty familiar?) I have found that anxiety isn’t all bad – sometimes it’s the voice of the Universe sending us a message. It’s an opportunity to refine our listening skills.

The most important thing to know about anxiety is that it is a message. Anxiety is not the real issue. It’s the voice of something else lying beneath that’s calling out to you. In all the attempts an techniques I’ve learned to work with (and haven’t been especially effective since I still feel anxiety with annoying regularity – and perhaps a little more so than many since I am also a bit OCD – and my anxiety can be triggered by the most amazingly minor things) the focus has been working on the symptoms, not the substance. I can learn to slow down my heart rate, or adjust my breathing – etc., etc. and while that is helpful. There is still a filter that is connecting with an experience or perception and telling my mind to “catastrophize”.

I have really come to believe that we can adjust our perceptions and minimize our experience of anxiety. We can move beyond the “addressing the symptoms” stage – but in order to do that, we have to be willing to face and live with the anxiety. That can make us anxious.

The anxiety message is simple; it just says; “Stop and listen.” or "Halt! Pay attention." 

When an experience like anxiety is pleading for me to stop and listen, notice that I'm hurting, and I know this, my logical next step is to find that hurt. Duh! Like everything the severity of our anxiety is proportional to the size of what I have to address—so if I feel like I’m going to die, I need to look for something big!

Our bodies are amazing machines – and tailor our physiological experience to what it knows will relate to us best. Its methods of stopping us are varied and some of the common ones are: spinning thoughts, feeling disassociated, heavy breathing, and a racing heart. My body has learned whatever works best so that I’ll finally pay attention. My body is very happy to customize the experience for me. Sort of “Have it your way…” al la Burger King.

I have begun to consider that my anxiety is being maintained by me, for me, until it gets enough of my attention for healing to take place. Whatever I keep doing or ignoring will continue to recreate it until I “rethink” and start to go about things differently. Try on this thought for a little while today and see what you think. 

My own personal, custom designed anxiety disorder came from high insecurity, an excessive need for validation, a frantic quest for completion through relationships, and an inability to acknowledge who I really was. Pretty common stuff. And most of that boils down to being in resistance to whatever was happening at any given point in my life. (Resistance means saying to ourselves or others “That shouldn’t be happening…” instead of simply being aware something is happening and we need to deal with the actuality of it, not our judgment about it).

I have spent almost my entire life running around trying to please others and attempting to be who they wanted me to be. I grew up in a household where attention and love were conditional and I rarely felt I measured up to any of those conditions. There was enough disruption in my childhood to learn that even if I really enjoyed something now, it wasn’t really safe – because something was probably going to change soon to screw it up.

Spending time with anxiety to discover the source of the message and what you have to heal can be achieved in many ways. You have to find what works best for you, but here’s a great series of approaches that seem to help everybody: These came from my friend Lori Deschane’s blog so I want to credit her for these great suggestions…

1. Welcome it. (Anxiety that is…)

Make friends and peace with anxiety immediately. Talk to yourself and the anxiety reassuringly: It’s ok. I’m listening. I want to hear what you have to say. I know you’re just trying to get my attention and that the more directly and peacefully I listen, the sooner you’ll stop repeating yourself.

Fighting with anxiety or resisting it will cause it to persist.

2. Write about it.

I know it’s trite to journal since it’s a suggested solution to most personal troubles, but the slower pace of writing and full engagement of your senses helps you travel down the path of the anxiety message to its source.

We don’t always know where our anxiety is coming from, so we have to take the time to dig and poke. Plus, we’re literal people. Our thoughts are literal. By using a linguistic mechanism the analogy of anxiety message becomes more clear and easier to work with.

3. Laugh.

Bring more laughter in your life. It will help you take life less seriously.

4. Love.

Express love for people, places, and things that you cherish. Be a greater beacon of love.

5. Help others with their anxiety.

The more people you help with anxiety, the greater a vocabulary you’ll develop, and this will help empower your inner dialog for when you’re sitting with anxiety.

6. Meditate.

Anxiety races thoughts and can be very distracting. With a rushing mind, it’s hard to hear the anxiety message and follow it back to its source. Meditation helps tremendously.

If you can learn to notice your thoughts without attaching to them—seeing them as cars passing by as you stand on the edge of a busy highway—you’ll become better at picking out what really matters in this moment.

7. Realize that You Are Enough.

Be accountable, no matter how much “such and such/so and so did” to you. It doesn’t matter. Now is what we have to work with. Tomorrow is what we have to create.

Realize that you are your own solution. You have what you need to look clearly; to hear and to heal. Anxiety is a message born within you, speaking to you through you, and therefore it’s within you to heal.

One of the great gifts of anxiety is that it gets you to recognize your own power with, instead of power over, yourself and your life. It’s a joint operation…how cool is THAT?

All I had to do was listen…

What? Me Worry?

“Just because what’s so is so, it’s also ‘So What?’” Werner Erhard, EST

“Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” -Proverb

I get that worrying is a waste of time and emotional energy. I totally get it. Of course, getting it doesn’t stop me from worrying. Worrying comes in waves. There are times when it simply isn’t a party of my life. There are other times when it feels overwhelming. This past week was one of the overwhelming waves. A minor tsunami of emotion. It’s passing.

There have been times in my life where worry was my default setting. Mostly worries about money (isn’t that the usual one for people?) although other life circumstances may have also checked in. And, there have been times where worry was completely absent. My monastic period was pretty worry free. I try to follow my own advice, “Let whatever happens be OK…” and don’t stress stuff I have no control over. The challenge comes from trying to figure out what is in my control, or isn’t…sometimes It’s just not that clear.

I think there’s a popular philosophy that by worrying you’re at least doing something. Even if it’s not something effective. Or helpful. Or healthy. Still, I find myself falling into worry fairly easy. It takes conscious intention to move away.

If you think back on the many things in our life we’ve worried about, you’ll probably recognize as I do, that we not only survived those situations, but we also grew and benefited in the aftermath. That has always been my experience. Life stuff came and went – and I become better for it. Amazing how that works.

That’s the funny thing about the “worst that can possibly happen.” If we believe in ourselves, we can always make the best of it. That sounds very cliché but stll happens to be true. Hasn’t that really been your experience?

Whatever happens tomorrow I believe we can handle it, but we can’t possibly handle it before it happens. That really connects with our need to be in control and sometimes all we can control is our response to the now. The future isn’t controllable – no matter how hard we try or wish it to be so. All we can do now is see and work with what is actually in front of us.

Today, if I start to feel overwhelmed by the things I feel I can’t control, I will remind myself to surrender to the moment. Then ask: How can I make the most of this moment instead of worrying about the one that’s coming? 

The Gift of Disappointment

“Disappointments are to the soul what the thunder-storm is to the air” Friedrich von Schiller

For many of us, disappointment is one of life’s most uncomfortable feelings. It’s complex, containing a subset of other emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and many others too subtle to identify. It’s also a familiar zone for many of us. A discomfort zone. Life happens and some things don’t go our way, so disappointment is a natural process. What’s more concerning is our tendency to set things up so that we’ll feel disappointed. A pattern of self-sabotage. Or, the curious tendency to feel disappointed in advance. Before the fact as it were.

Marianne Wiliamson, in her book, “Return To Love”, wrote this:

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

Beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be

Brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous.

 

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the World.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others. 

Our deepest fear is that we are inadequate. How many times throughout the process of our growing up are we told what we can’t do rather than what we can? Sometimes this is a blatant statement, like, “You’ll never amount to anything…” and sometimes it’s more subtle such as the implication that you need something outside of yourself in order to achieve your life goal or dream. So we set our selves up for disappointment because (we tell ourselves) we don’t want to be surprised when things don’t turn out our way.

A friend and mentor of mine, Gordon Graham, writes “we don’t get what we want, we get what we expect.” More and more I see the wisdom of how that is true.

Recently, in working with some coaching clients – we’ve talked about some strategies for dealing with disappointments.

1. Let it out.

One of the hardest things to do in a world where everything is immediate—we are all under external pressure, and time is a scarce resource—is to just let yourself experience a feeling.

In our world the news is big for fifteen or twenty minutes and then it’s on to something else. The same dynamic seems to apply to interpersonal relationships. We share something, the other person responds (hopefully appropriately) and then it’s on to something else. Either because we’re uncomfortable sitting with the feeling for a little while, or the other person loses interest (or we think they do.) Be conscious of this. If you’re not ready, don’t move on.

Children (in my limited experiene) will tantrum and cry and scream, or laugh until it runs out and they are genuinely ready to move on.

I’m not suggesting we lock ourselves away for weeks at a time whenever we have been disappointed, but to be aware of any sense of obligation to “just get over it.” When you’re ready, you’re ready. Set your own time table.

However, don’t make the process of dealing with these emotions a career. In the wonderful movie Chocolat, there is an old woman in the village who wears the black of deep mourning. She apparently lost her husband in the war?

“What”, asks Vianne, “That was fifteen years ago?” (The film is set in 1960)

“No”, comes the response, “The First war.”

There is a point where it is time to move on. Know that and honor it.

2. Get a perspective.

Another way of saying this is to take a step back and be a witness. Watch what’s happening inside of you, and out. Notice what expectations you had or created that led you to feeling disappointed. Ask yourself if those were fair, or realistic. (It’s important not to term your expectations “right” or “wrong”). Your expectations were what they were and there is nothing helpful in judging them.

If someone who matters to me forgets my birthday I may feel disappointed, but I really need to ask myself if I communicated effectively that remembering my birthday was important to me, and then provided the details. Not to just assume that anyone who cares about me should know those things (not to mention what to buy). That’s an unreasonable expectation. You are free to feel disappointed but, well, you sort of set it up. Know that.

Having a broader perspective than your own view on a particular situation is always helpful. The critical point here is that you have to mean it.

3. Understand Conditionality.

I am a realist, which means that I know most relationships are self-serving. It’s about me and getting my needs met. I can use all the romantic bull-shit I want about loving the other person – but that kind of higher level of connectivity doesn’t come easily. My agenda is numero-uno…although to be fair, it’s about making sure that numero-uno is the kind of person who enjoys caring about other people and connecting with them. Not someone who cares or connects out of a sense of guilt or responsibility.

This is difficult to grasp, but it is the only way we can offer unconditional love – when we are unconditional about what the other does, because all the conditions, expectations, etc., reside with us, not them. You don’t make me happy; I choose to be happy (or not). That perspective makes it very hard to be disappointed, at least for very long.

I would like to always try to choose to act with love and kindness towards others, rather than with negativity. I make that choice because it feels right for me, not because I’m especially concerned about what other people think about it.

4. Practice acceptance (or “Let Whatever Happens be OK)”.

One of my previous blogs was “Let whatever happens be OK”. That doesn’t mean you don’t have preferences, or that you don’t care what happens. It means that you have some detachment to the outcome, and that your well being isn’t tied to a situation that has already gone south. If it’s happened the focus isn’t on what’s happened (since it’s already happened and there’s nothing you can do about that). The focus is on your response to what’s happening – and there’s plenty you can do about that!

Practicing acceptance doesn’t have to mean you like or approve of something, it means that you have to recognize that it simply already is – and that wishing the situation or circumstance were somehow different isn’t going to be helpful or constructive in any way.

Our playing small doesn’t serve the world. We are capable of handling a lot – so what would life look like if we set ourselves up for winning instead of losing? Knowing, of course, that we could do either. It’s not an easy shift for many of us, but – don’t you agree, well worth a try?

On Winning

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” -Gandhi

It has been a funny news weekend for winners and losers. William and Kate; winners. The folks of the storm ravaged south; losers. The demise of Osama bin Laden – not completely sure where that falls. Could go either way.

When I was younger, I thought of winning in terms of revenge. I thought that if I felt hurt by bullies (of the emotional kind), they won. On the flip side, if I grew up to be successful, that would be the best revenge against anyone who hurt me.

In being happy, confident, and successful, I would have won.

What a sad way to think–that it’s all one giant score card of them against us. That we’re in a competition to come out on top, and anyone who wronged us, intentionally or not, needs to lose for it to be OK.

Or, to talk about winning in terms of relationships – as in Kate Middleton “won” Prince William – sort of a project runway for Royals… (Harry seems to be the next prize – can hardly wait to see who wins him…)

It may feel good to imagine there’s a consequence for treating us thoughtlessly. Or unkindly. But in the end, isn’t it more helpful for us to reframe along the lines of knowing that what we really want isn’t for other people to suffer or have less than us, or to lose. Isn’t what we really want the ability and gift to make peace with the past so that we can know success and happiness that has nothing to do with the burden of keeping score?

Our culture is obsessed with winning.

At school we learn that we have to compete to get what we want. Many of us grow up internalizing this idea and subtly infusing it into our relationships, friendships, career, and even spiritual path. I vividly remember the pep rallies from High School and college where we would actually pray for victory over the other school or team. I remember the huge hand-painted signs, “Beat the Sharks”, or “Beat the Tigers”. I’ve come to believe it’s a strange lesson to teach kids. I wasn’t more than sixteen or so when I started to wonder about a god who somehow favored Notre Dame’s football team over Villenova, or Army football over Navy, or the Ducks over the Beavers (Oregon reference, sorry). I frankly can’t imagine a model of a God who cares about those things. Or a God who comes down on one side or the other of those kinds of issues. So, winning and losing – without worrying about winning or loosing – comes down to how well one plays. That seems more real to me. I can connect with that more comfortably.

How well do we play?

In my early days as a postulant monk, I remember being almost shocked when I began to see that in the quietude of my mind, in that harmless, benevolent peaceful environment, I was secretly measuring myself and others according to how “spiritual” we were. Another monk “smoked” and didn’t have the vast insight I had gained in years of working for churches as a musician… he didn’t understand the liturgy, he didn’t this and he didn’t that – I was constantly comparing myself to him (myself favorably, him not-so-much). Of course he lasted and I didn’t. Funny how that works.

And through that experience, and my subsequent period in the adjoining Seminary, I was trying to be the best. The most gracious. The holiest. The smartest. Even the most urbane – (none of my other seminary classmates drove a Mercedes or had a weekend apartment in one of the great mansions in Portland’s southwest Hills or friends with beach houses and mountain cabins) I was doing many things, some of them ridiculous in hindsight, to be seen as “better than.”

The flip-side of this was that I never felt good enough. Our fixation with winning, with upstaging or topping is an attempt to cover up this feeling of being somehow deficient.

A couple of years ago, I met an old friend, who asked me what I was doing these days. I replied, somewhat mischievously, “Enjoying being a bit of loser.”

His expression was telling. He looked confused. Then he looked sad for me. Then he asked, “You’re joking right?”

“Well, kind of…”

Obviously being a loser can mean all kinds of things, and most of them aren’t states to be desired! But I find it fun to explore this in a more integral spiritual context, where winning and losing are seen as just different sides of the same coin. They are equal and each just a matter of perspective.

Winning or losing can ultimately never satisfy; nor can they degrade one’s value.

So where does one find value?

That is the question I have found very useful to take into the heart in meditation, in daily life, and in relationships. In doing so, I come across a whole lot of forces, some of them quite strong, suggesting that my ultimate value lies in:

•                Approval. Check (Numero uno for me)

•                My bank balance. Check. (Definitely numero dos).

•                My wheels (seriously, how pathetic is that…but it’s real)

•                An idealized view of being a “spiritual person.” Check.

It’s the force in the heart that is disguised as “that which will make me happy,” but is actually “that which keeps me off balance.”

It is a subtle kind of problem—the insidious, weaselly kind, that just cuddles up to you and promises to give you a good time. And then you end up face down in “me” and “why I don’t measure up?”

So, coming back to a very simple place in my heart, I like to ask myself: Can I be OK with being a bit of a loser? Can I recognize that I’ll never snag the person of my dreams, or have the baddest Mercedes SL63 AMG, or the coolest Pearl District penthouse. Can I recognize that I’m really ok without any of those things, and that the greatest paradox is that by allowing myself permission to not have those things, I’m really winning at a whole different level.

And hey, don’t get me wrong, it would be totally cool to win the lottery or have one of my wealthy relatives realize just how much they love me (the lottery has a statistically higher probability) – and end up with the toys of my dreams. But I have to know, to really know, that that would just be stuff I have – not who I am. I know that intellectually, but am still wrestling with it in terms of “heart knowing”.

It’s kind of tongue-in-cheek, but it holds a clear mirror up to the part of the heart that’s always looking for the next thing, scheming about a future, and generating worlds of a nebulous “them” who are cheering me on, or muttering their disapproval. In other words, delusion! Allowing the heart to lose a little, let go a little, and not give a hoot a little can go a long way in releasing from these forces of worry, driven-ness, and self-aversion.

When we allow ourselves the space to be a bit of a loser, our life can open up in surprising ways. Releasing the pressure of pushing and driving opens up a space in the heart that is present, available, connected and sensitive.

We taste the richness of being alive. We feel our feet on the ground. We remember that we can trust in the truth that we are valuable just by being. We feel this value in presence every time we release from intentions projected outside ourselves in another person, in time, or in an ideal of “who I should be” or even “who I could be” with the critical eye that we are either not there, or not sufficiently on the path.

I doubt that the new Duchess of Cambridge, Princess Catherine, won Prince William by trying to hard…in fact, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t that way at all. I’m pretty sure that with all the devastation in the south people will discover an amazing relational attitude, and resiliency within themselves that might otherwise have gone un-noticed. Osama Bin Laden took his risks and was certainly intelligent enough to know they came with a price. So perhaps it wasn’t so much about winning or losing, as just being in the flow – and frankly, our giving in to this release, feels a whole lot, curiously enough – like winning.