A group of young boys knew of a wise man in their village and hatched a plan in order to fool him. They would take a small live bird and stand in front of the wise man. One of hem would hold the bird behind his back and say, “Wise man, is this bird alive or is it dead?” If the wise man said the bird was alive, then the boy would quickly squeeze the life out of the bird, responding, “No, the bird is dead.” If the wise man said, “The bird is dead,” then the boy would present the live bird.
The boys finally received an audience with the wise man. The one holding the bird asked, “Wise man, is the bird in my hand alive or dead?”
The wise man was silent for a moment. Then he bent down until he stood no higher than the boy. “The life you are holding,” the wise man told him, “is in your hands.” (Building Your Field of Dreams, Mary Manin Morrissey)
Years ago (think early 90’s) I was actively involved in a spiritual community in the Portland area called the “Living Enrichment Center”. LEC was a powerful community of people who were “on the path” to fuller self-discovery and actualization – shepherded by a very dynamic woman named Mary Manin Morrissey. Having worked for churches as a musician almost my entire life, I am a bit of a connoisseur of religious communities and the broad, inclusive message offered by LEC resonated strongly with me.
LEC grew by leaps and bounds and at some point, outgrew the theatre where they had been meeting and decided to look for another facility to call home. They went into a process of discernment about what people wanted. Not what was possible, or affordable, or practical – but what people wanted. All the people. The adults wanted spacious meeting rooms, a worship space capable of seating a thousand people, tons of parking, some garden areas. The kids wanted an indoor swimming pool (seriously). Quite a shopping list. All the usual comments about asking for too much, or “what is our budget and what can we afford”, “what’s practical or realistic” – all of those comments were shelved during the initial process of asking “what do you want.”
I hear from people all the time who are looking for work (or a new relationship or something different in their lives) – and when I ask them what they’re looking for, way more often than not the response is “doesn’t matter.” So that’s the message sent out to the Universe. It doesn’t matter. That’s not great distance from “I don’t matter.”
I get that people will do whatever work they can find when times are tough, but that’s not the question – the question is “what are you looking for?” or “what would you like to do?” If someone has a tray of donuts and offers you one, is there any problem in saying, “I’d really like the chocolate one…thanks!”
The Universe gives us what we want…get that. Own that. And so when we put “whatever” out there – it should be no surprise that it’s returned just as we asked.
Imaging building a custom house (which, after all, is what your life is about – you are the architect, builder and customer) and when asked about the floor plan, the response is “it doesn’t matter,” or imagine someone immensely creative asking you what color you want your living room painted. Responding “it doesn’t matter” is a pretty risky statement – although as long as you’re willing to live with and be happy with the result – it may work for you. Just be conscious that you’re putting out the “whatever” message – and if you start complaining about the results you get, remember that you created it.
Have you heard the expression, “I’m living the dream?” So along with that comes the idea that people who say that are doing something really right. But it’s true for virtually all of us – we’re all living our dreams – and the only difference is that some people’s dreams are a lot more specific and focused than others.
So here come the “buts?” and there are a lot of them – stuff happens, and sometimes it’s really difficult, challenging stuff – sometimes we have to ask ourselves “why on Earth would I have wanted to create this reality for myself?” That’s a very reasonable question deserving of a response – at some level I believe that we create our reality (in case you haven’t picked that up from the rest of this blog) – but our creation process is a combination of conscious desires (I’d love to win the lottery) combined with unconscious stuff (I don’t deserve to have a great, abundant life). There’s a balance and it takes some conscious effort to sort out what our beliefs really are about ourselves, our circumstances and our relationships to get clear – really clear – on what it is we want and to a lesser degree, why we want it. And not just why we want something, but how our having it is going to make us more effective people, and our world a better place.
Not knowing what you want — from your major life goals to your day-to-day desires — is not really helpful. The most you'll ever get is what you ask for. If you don't even know what it is that you want, then you can't even ask for it. You also won't even know if you get there!
By being specific in defining your goal, the choices you make along the way will be more goal-directed. You will recognize which behaviors and choices support your goals — and which do not. You will know when you are heading toward your goal, and when you are off track.
Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you have the strength and resolve enough to believe that you deserve what it is that you want, then and only then will you be bold enough to step up and claim it. Remember that if you don't, someone else will.
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