Teaching people to treat us right...

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

I’ve mentioned my friend Barrett in previous posts – he’s hard to sum up in a few words but here’s a quick refresher on his story – he’s back in prison after being overly “aggressive” with his girlfriend (sad, toxic relationship there – and both were equally “guilty” of precipitating issues), but Barrett, most of all, should have known better.

Anyway…the last time Barrett, who I am very fond of, called me from the county jail I ended up hanging up on him. It wasn’t the first time I’d decided to terminate a conversation with Barrett. I won’t tolerate Barrett’s “aggressive” behavior or even tone. Not OK with me.

Not the case with some of Barrett’s other friends and relatives. Barrett will call then, if he doesn’t get his way (in his mind), or if someone disagrees with him, he begins shouting and ranting…After a while, people have come to dread phone calls from Barrett, so my question is, “Why do you continue to accept them?”

Barrett has anger and control issues. Doesn’t take Dr. Phil to figure that out. So, when he doesn’t get his way, or is “challenged” in some ways, he acts like a thirteen-year old. OK – that’s Barrett’s issue. But the problem is that Barrett’s issue becomes our issue when we continue to put up with that behavior. Then, the issue isn’t Barrett’s behavior anymore, but our acceptance of that behavior. And, if we care about Barrett, we aren’t helping him by “training” him that it’s OK for him to continue to berate and verbally abuse us.

We teach people how to treat us. This is tied with my two favorites of Dr. Phil’s Life Laws. We teach people how to treat us – I can’t say it enough. You can complain all you want about how your boy/girlfriend, husband, fiancé, son, daughter, or whatever treats you badly. Maybe it’s so. If you put up with it more than twice (and I’m being generous here), then the problem isn’t theirs - it’s yours.

When we complain about the behavior of others, or more specifically, how their behavior effects us – what we might be missing is that we’re responsible – not for what they say or do, but we’re responsible for continuing to put up with it.

There are a lot of dynamics that go into this mix – not the least of which are the issues of the need to control and for some, the need to be controlled. There are some people for whom the need to control others is critical to their well being. The controlling personality often has problems with trust. Having probably been abused, hurt, lied to, or anything else relating to these situations. By controlling the environment and essentially that of the person being controlled, gives the controller power and ups their self-esteem. They know that whatever the other person does or says, they have control of the situation and can manipulate the other person to do what they want.

The person being controlled has obvious weaknesses and wants that often, are apparent to the controller. They are easily preyed upon; dominated, threatened into doing and reacting the way the controller wants them to. This often happens even in child- parent relationships with the children picking up on the weaknesses in their parent’s armor and working the chinks to get exactly what they want. Kids notice this instinctively and sometimes even we, as parents, use the same methods to get our children to do what we want.

We either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or we don't. This means we are partly responsible for the mistreatment we get at the hands of someone else. We shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If you’re not satisfied with the treatment you’re getting in a relationship, or not getting the respect you feel you deserve, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. How’s that working for you?

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "opened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

Things to think about in terms of your relationships:

In All honesty do you feel that you give, while your partner takes?

Do you find yourself frequently apologizing?

Looking back over the last year, do you feel that you are making most of the sacrifices and changes?

Remember the principle of reciprocity; You get what you give. If you really love the person you are in a relationship with, you want them to be the best they can be – and sometimes that might mean holding them accountable for being jerks. Not to judge them for being jerks, but just hold them accountable. What that means is saying, “It’s fine that you’re a jerk…it’s just not fine that you’re a jerk with me.” Got it?