Forgiveness Starts With Me...

I come from a very old family. My Dutch ancestors moved to Paramus, NJ in the 1640’s. My relatives populate all the little towns and Boroughs of Bergen County, the North Eastern corner of New Jersey, edging the Hudson River opposite New York City. While I grew up knowing this I don’t think it really came into conscious awareness until a couple of decades ago my mother began putting together a comprehensive genealogy (thanks Rootsweb and Family Tree Maker). My grandparents and great grandparents lived in an old house on a street surrounded by neighbors my great-grandmother would describe as “shirt-tail” relatives. I spent much of my childhood there at 23 Meadow Street, and still have many memories of that wonderful old house, and its barns, outbuildings and surrounding neighborhood.

One of the things that struck me even as a child, was a background awareness of thinking that while these people were “shirt-tail” relatives, we never did anything with them – no Thanksgivings, Christmas celebrations – birthdays or family get-togethers. I had cousins, maybe just a couple of generations removed, whom I primarily defined as playmates. Strange, huh?

So, in my Mom’s exhaustive and really fascinating investigation into the family history, she learned some things. What she learned was that two and three generations back there was a big blow up and people stopped talking with each other. The resentments and hubris continued, although the principal offenders and parties were long dead and gone. As good Dutch, upper-middle class protestants, we weren’t exactly the “Hatfields and the McCoys. No shots were fired (at least in recent memory) but there was a coldness that pervaded relationships and by the time I came around, no one could even articulate what the issues were, or why we didn’t connect as an extended “family”, especially living in such proximity to each other.

The power of forgiveness. Since coming to understand my own family history and dynamics, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my own relationship with being forgiven and being forgiving. I’ve experienced first hand how debilitating it is when we carry around baggage that isn’t ours to carry – or even if it is, we still carry it around. No matter what the circumstance, it weighs too much.

Of all the emotions in the human repertoire, hate, anger and resentment are among the most powerful and self-destructive. They are awakened by the actions of those you perceive to have hurt you or those you love. Sometimes we treat our hatred as if it were a mythical curse on the target of our distain. The problem is the high cost – because those feelings change who you are. They change your heart and your mind.

The focus of all my efforts in life (at least the positive stuff) is to create an awareness of the potential for conscious living. Living in such a way that whatever happens to us is either created intentionally, or at least responded to with some intentionality. When we are busy hating and being resentful, we acquire a set of filters which really precludes ourselves from seeing things with any kind of objectivity – everything we see, not just our “focus”.

I see this with crime victims all the time…where whatever happens to them becomes the defining factor in their lives. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have feelings, or feel anger, resentment, rage – because sometimes what happened was a terrible thing. What it means is that there is a “natural life cycle” for those feelings (although very different for different people) and once the cycle starts to ebb, and people individually know when that is – to continue to hold on to those feelings of anger or resentment, or even rage – long beyond the point when they are actually a response to the incident – is hurtful to the person feeling the anger.

We don’t forgive for other people. Oh, as someone who has been so often in need of forgiveness for my long list of crimes and failings, I know how wonderful it is when someone finally says “I forgive you – I’ve let it go.” That doesn’t mean it’s “OK” or that it’s forgotten, it only means that it’s forgiven. I'm happy to live with that.

We don’t forgive for other people, we forgive for ourselves. Because it feels good to forgive. It’s like being paroled from anger, hatred or resentment. We simply let that stifling atmosphere of our self-imposed prison “expire” and we move on. Some people have the idea that if I “forgive” you, for whatever, I automatically love you again. Or, things will be the same as they were. Forgiveness isn’t pretending that something never happened, or is it an artificial sense of things being OK – it’s just a letting go of feelings and a willingness to no longer be defined by those feelings and moving on…just plain moving on.

We all screw up. It’s a fact of life. Oscar Wilde wrote, “The only man who truly knows me is my tailor for he measures me anew each time we meet.” That’s a refreshing thought. We can’t “measure each other anew” when we are holding on to perceptions and feelings from past events that no longer exist.

My many prisoner friends talk about having a clean slate when they are released “I’ve served my time”. And, while that is certainly true, the often-sad reality is that lots of resentment is held long past their release dates. Resentment on the part of the inmates for “getting caught” and held accountable, resentment on the part of victims for the pain, injury or loss suffered in the original crime, resentment on the part of families for “having to be put through all of this”, or anger at the victims, anger at the inmates – good heavens there’s enough potential anger to open an anger outlet mall superstore.

So – the solution starts in letting go of the Anger. In forgiving; oneself then others (in that order). Who goes first? I do. I have no power or control over how others react or respond, but I do have complete power and control over my feelings. And, at some point I have to say, “Enough! Time to let it go and move on.” Whatever happened, happened – and I can “shoulda, coulda, woulda” all day long and it doesn’t change a thing. I’m going to give myself a fresh slate today. Then, try looking at life with those new and improved lenses and see if it doesn’t make a difference in how others respond to you.

Hate, anger and resentment are destructive, eating away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you. Take your power back.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.