Forgiveness Starts With Me...

I come from a very old family. My Dutch ancestors moved to Paramus, NJ in the 1640’s. My relatives populate all the little towns and Boroughs of Bergen County, the North Eastern corner of New Jersey, edging the Hudson River opposite New York City. While I grew up knowing this I don’t think it really came into conscious awareness until a couple of decades ago my mother began putting together a comprehensive genealogy (thanks Rootsweb and Family Tree Maker). My grandparents and great grandparents lived in an old house on a street surrounded by neighbors my great-grandmother would describe as “shirt-tail” relatives. I spent much of my childhood there at 23 Meadow Street, and still have many memories of that wonderful old house, and its barns, outbuildings and surrounding neighborhood.

One of the things that struck me even as a child, was a background awareness of thinking that while these people were “shirt-tail” relatives, we never did anything with them – no Thanksgivings, Christmas celebrations – birthdays or family get-togethers. I had cousins, maybe just a couple of generations removed, whom I primarily defined as playmates. Strange, huh?

So, in my Mom’s exhaustive and really fascinating investigation into the family history, she learned some things. What she learned was that two and three generations back there was a big blow up and people stopped talking with each other. The resentments and hubris continued, although the principal offenders and parties were long dead and gone. As good Dutch, upper-middle class protestants, we weren’t exactly the “Hatfields and the McCoys. No shots were fired (at least in recent memory) but there was a coldness that pervaded relationships and by the time I came around, no one could even articulate what the issues were, or why we didn’t connect as an extended “family”, especially living in such proximity to each other.

The power of forgiveness. Since coming to understand my own family history and dynamics, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my own relationship with being forgiven and being forgiving. I’ve experienced first hand how debilitating it is when we carry around baggage that isn’t ours to carry – or even if it is, we still carry it around. No matter what the circumstance, it weighs too much.

Of all the emotions in the human repertoire, hate, anger and resentment are among the most powerful and self-destructive. They are awakened by the actions of those you perceive to have hurt you or those you love. Sometimes we treat our hatred as if it were a mythical curse on the target of our distain. The problem is the high cost – because those feelings change who you are. They change your heart and your mind.

The focus of all my efforts in life (at least the positive stuff) is to create an awareness of the potential for conscious living. Living in such a way that whatever happens to us is either created intentionally, or at least responded to with some intentionality. When we are busy hating and being resentful, we acquire a set of filters which really precludes ourselves from seeing things with any kind of objectivity – everything we see, not just our “focus”.

I see this with crime victims all the time…where whatever happens to them becomes the defining factor in their lives. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have feelings, or feel anger, resentment, rage – because sometimes what happened was a terrible thing. What it means is that there is a “natural life cycle” for those feelings (although very different for different people) and once the cycle starts to ebb, and people individually know when that is – to continue to hold on to those feelings of anger or resentment, or even rage – long beyond the point when they are actually a response to the incident – is hurtful to the person feeling the anger.

We don’t forgive for other people. Oh, as someone who has been so often in need of forgiveness for my long list of crimes and failings, I know how wonderful it is when someone finally says “I forgive you – I’ve let it go.” That doesn’t mean it’s “OK” or that it’s forgotten, it only means that it’s forgiven. I'm happy to live with that.

We don’t forgive for other people, we forgive for ourselves. Because it feels good to forgive. It’s like being paroled from anger, hatred or resentment. We simply let that stifling atmosphere of our self-imposed prison “expire” and we move on. Some people have the idea that if I “forgive” you, for whatever, I automatically love you again. Or, things will be the same as they were. Forgiveness isn’t pretending that something never happened, or is it an artificial sense of things being OK – it’s just a letting go of feelings and a willingness to no longer be defined by those feelings and moving on…just plain moving on.

We all screw up. It’s a fact of life. Oscar Wilde wrote, “The only man who truly knows me is my tailor for he measures me anew each time we meet.” That’s a refreshing thought. We can’t “measure each other anew” when we are holding on to perceptions and feelings from past events that no longer exist.

My many prisoner friends talk about having a clean slate when they are released “I’ve served my time”. And, while that is certainly true, the often-sad reality is that lots of resentment is held long past their release dates. Resentment on the part of the inmates for “getting caught” and held accountable, resentment on the part of victims for the pain, injury or loss suffered in the original crime, resentment on the part of families for “having to be put through all of this”, or anger at the victims, anger at the inmates – good heavens there’s enough potential anger to open an anger outlet mall superstore.

So – the solution starts in letting go of the Anger. In forgiving; oneself then others (in that order). Who goes first? I do. I have no power or control over how others react or respond, but I do have complete power and control over my feelings. And, at some point I have to say, “Enough! Time to let it go and move on.” Whatever happened, happened – and I can “shoulda, coulda, woulda” all day long and it doesn’t change a thing. I’m going to give myself a fresh slate today. Then, try looking at life with those new and improved lenses and see if it doesn’t make a difference in how others respond to you.

Hate, anger and resentment are destructive, eating away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you. Take your power back.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

Teaching people to treat us right...

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

I’ve mentioned my friend Barrett in previous posts – he’s hard to sum up in a few words but here’s a quick refresher on his story – he’s back in prison after being overly “aggressive” with his girlfriend (sad, toxic relationship there – and both were equally “guilty” of precipitating issues), but Barrett, most of all, should have known better.

Anyway…the last time Barrett, who I am very fond of, called me from the county jail I ended up hanging up on him. It wasn’t the first time I’d decided to terminate a conversation with Barrett. I won’t tolerate Barrett’s “aggressive” behavior or even tone. Not OK with me.

Not the case with some of Barrett’s other friends and relatives. Barrett will call then, if he doesn’t get his way (in his mind), or if someone disagrees with him, he begins shouting and ranting…After a while, people have come to dread phone calls from Barrett, so my question is, “Why do you continue to accept them?”

Barrett has anger and control issues. Doesn’t take Dr. Phil to figure that out. So, when he doesn’t get his way, or is “challenged” in some ways, he acts like a thirteen-year old. OK – that’s Barrett’s issue. But the problem is that Barrett’s issue becomes our issue when we continue to put up with that behavior. Then, the issue isn’t Barrett’s behavior anymore, but our acceptance of that behavior. And, if we care about Barrett, we aren’t helping him by “training” him that it’s OK for him to continue to berate and verbally abuse us.

We teach people how to treat us. This is tied with my two favorites of Dr. Phil’s Life Laws. We teach people how to treat us – I can’t say it enough. You can complain all you want about how your boy/girlfriend, husband, fiancé, son, daughter, or whatever treats you badly. Maybe it’s so. If you put up with it more than twice (and I’m being generous here), then the problem isn’t theirs - it’s yours.

When we complain about the behavior of others, or more specifically, how their behavior effects us – what we might be missing is that we’re responsible – not for what they say or do, but we’re responsible for continuing to put up with it.

There are a lot of dynamics that go into this mix – not the least of which are the issues of the need to control and for some, the need to be controlled. There are some people for whom the need to control others is critical to their well being. The controlling personality often has problems with trust. Having probably been abused, hurt, lied to, or anything else relating to these situations. By controlling the environment and essentially that of the person being controlled, gives the controller power and ups their self-esteem. They know that whatever the other person does or says, they have control of the situation and can manipulate the other person to do what they want.

The person being controlled has obvious weaknesses and wants that often, are apparent to the controller. They are easily preyed upon; dominated, threatened into doing and reacting the way the controller wants them to. This often happens even in child- parent relationships with the children picking up on the weaknesses in their parent’s armor and working the chinks to get exactly what they want. Kids notice this instinctively and sometimes even we, as parents, use the same methods to get our children to do what we want.

We either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or we don't. This means we are partly responsible for the mistreatment we get at the hands of someone else. We shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If you’re not satisfied with the treatment you’re getting in a relationship, or not getting the respect you feel you deserve, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. How’s that working for you?

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "opened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

Things to think about in terms of your relationships:

In All honesty do you feel that you give, while your partner takes?

Do you find yourself frequently apologizing?

Looking back over the last year, do you feel that you are making most of the sacrifices and changes?

Remember the principle of reciprocity; You get what you give. If you really love the person you are in a relationship with, you want them to be the best they can be – and sometimes that might mean holding them accountable for being jerks. Not to judge them for being jerks, but just hold them accountable. What that means is saying, “It’s fine that you’re a jerk…it’s just not fine that you’re a jerk with me.” Got it?

Life Stuff - Managed or Cured?

“It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi

Imagine your life as a Burger King franchise. You own your shop. You hire your employees, set the policies – at least within the framework provided by the franchisor – you are the boss. It’s up to you to train your employees, to pick the best people – to accommodate those who you might feel have potential, but for one reason or another, aren’t quite there yet.

The franchisor (the Burger King brand) is like our culture – there are certain things we agree to in order to live in our particular society or community. The playground has rules – and our ultimately success depends to a large degree on how well we are open to incorporating those rules (I like the world “ethos”) into our daily living.

We still have a lot of room in this structure for freedom. Freedom of choice; the choice whether or not we will respond or react, the choice about how we will spend our precious time (an increasing complex task when faced with the enormous amount of information we have competing for our attention). We are still the captain of our ship.

Your objective is to actively manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You are your own most important resource for making your life work. Success (defined as effective, satisfied living) is a moving target that must be tracked and continually pursued. There are no fixes to things – permanent solutions are impossible, because the circumstances of life are so fluid. Things change, it is the nature of life… All we can do is manage our responses, mange and grow our strategy. It’s not an item up for being fixed.

I’ve spent almost thirty years working with the adult alcohol/drug recovery community. In my association with many fine people dealing with addiction issues, I’ve learned that this dynamic applies equally. There is no “cure”. The dynamic to alcoholism, drug addiction or even criminality will always be with us. Whether it overpowers us, or dominates our life-script, is dependent on how effectively we manage it. My issues will always be my issues, but whether I let those issues define me or not – is up to me. At some core level we develop our life scripts early, and we learn those scripts well – so when we encounter challenges, especially serious challenges (and what constitutes a “serious” challenge varies dramatically from one person to another) we tend to fall back to “default” mode. We don’t have to. We can, through the development of some degree of mindfulness, create awareness of our tendency for triggers to precipitate “usual and customary” behavior. For us to do what we’ve always done. Mindfulness is where we recognize, “Hey, if I do that, the result is going to be the same as before – that really didn’t work for me, so why would I think now would somehow be different?”

I’ve seen people working at Burger King who are handicapped. That said, they are often very effective employees – because their managers focus on their strengths, and fully utilize the gifts they have – which have, remarkably enough, been honed (made stronger, wiser and more resilient) by their challenges.

Effective life management means you need to require more of yourself in your grooming, self-control, emotional management, interaction with others, work performance, dealing with fear, and in every other category you can think of. You must approach this task with the most intense commitment, direction and urgency you can muster.

There are a couple of keys to managing life effectively – the first is to have a strategy. If you have a clear-cut plan, and the courage, commitment and energy to execute that strategy, you can flourish. If you don't have a plan, you'll be a stepping stone for those who do. The second is to be aware of triggers – not judgmentally aware (I’m “bad” if I do this), but just aware. When “A” happens I tend to do “B”. Rehearse in your mind doing something OTHER than “B” when “A” happens. What would that look like for you?

It’s more helpful in the long run to think along the lines of “…this behavior won’t lead to the result I want, or meet my needs over time”, than it is to think “I’m a bad person if I do this.” Those two modes of thinking are important distinctions.

So, what would the best Burger King franchise ever look like? How would you manage it so everyone came t work every day, looking forward to doing what they do best, working together as a team to achieve your stated goals, everybody getting most of their needs met…(a little compromise is almost always necessary). If we’re all willing to bring consciousness to the table, and with intentionality (I love that word) resolve to be the best life manager (of ourself) we can be, there is nothing that can stop us from living an amazing, rewarding, effective life. Ready. Set. Do it!