This is a continuation from Dr. Phil's Life Laws material...
“Well done is better than well said.” Ben Franklin
Life rewards action. At some point we learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions. Talk is cheap. Really cheap. The IRS doesn’t care if you meant to pay taxes. Your child doesn’t care if you meant to fix dinner. Your friend in prison doesn’t care if you meant to write. It’s not your intentions that matter, it’s your actions.
Twenty odd years ago I was a student at a Catholic Seminary…because I’ve always been a fairly gregarious, outgoing type, I was the student “hospitality” director, responsible for guests who would come to the seminary to check out whether or not they wanted to explore the possibility of being a catholic priest. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a priest, so I always thought that I was a funny choice (on the part of the seminary management) for this particular role, but after a while I figured out that what really mattered was that I had a “try it” attitude. And a “try it” attitude counts for a lot.
What made the difference was that I could explain the difference between being a priest (after six years of school) and exploring the possibility of being a priest, which was really the stage most people were at when they were looking around for seminary options. There is a huge difference between dating someone and getting married. But we often don’t see it that way…
What this means is that a lot of people think about trying something, whether it’s going to graduate school, getting a new job, of getting into a new relationship. They don’t because they’re not sure. Who is “sure”? How would you know if you like something unless you try it? Have you had the experience of changing your mind about something later and found it impossible? Difficult, possibly, but impossible, not likely.
Life rewards action. That means if you have an idea, or a dream, or even an inkling that something might be fun for you, or helpful, or adventuresome – the only benefit is going to come from giving it a try. You can’t win if you don’t play. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t use common sense in trying things – but as long as the potential positives outweigh the potential negatives – give it a try.
Many of us live paralyzed by fear; fear of failure, or of not doing well. Fear of criticism from our friends or family. We live in fear of engaging with the world. Fear of being laughed at. I think the reasons for this are complicated, and come in part from our fragile self-esteem that in so many cases is completely dependent on the approval of others. Of course we know this is no way to live, and we intend to be stronger – but somehow our comfortable ruts seem more attractive than the future we envision and dream about for ourselves.
Things will begin to shift when we start by measuring the quality of our life based on actions, rather than intentions. Let me say it again – it doesn’t matter what you intend to do, it only matters what you do.
True confession time; I’m a compulsive list person. I work each day off of a detailed “to do” list. Today’s list has 24 items. I’ve found it helpful to keep a list of things which I have pre-prioritized and grouped by categories. Sometimes I get through a lot of my list, other days not so much. I’m not so compulsive that I lose sleep if I didn’t get a lot done. There’s always tomorrow – but in the back of my mind I know that the list keeps me focused, and if there’s some point where I wonder what would be best to do next, my list is right there to remind me. That doesn’t mean I can’t change my list, re-prioritize based on what feels right from moment to moment – but it provides a general guideline for my day – and at the end, I feel a pretty decent sense of accomplishment that some things that are important to me have been “finished”.
People ask how on earth I manage to accomplish all the stuff I do – and the answer is easy – “I organize.” Along with that daily kind of micro stuff, on a bigger picture there’s very little I won’t try – especially if it sounds fun or worthwhile to me. The trick is to schedule time to try new things...(and yes, I know this model doesn't work for everyone)
It wasn’t always this way – I was bad at sports and developed a mindset that if I didn’t excel at something, I wouldn’t try it. I certainly didn’t want people to laugh at me, or to criticize me because I wasn’t good at something. I’m not totally sure of how I got over that – but I think some of it can be attributed to my shift away from being so competitive. I reached the point where I knew that a lot of my friends were athletic, and would always be better at athletics than I was – and I could really celebrate their skills and abilities, without an internal dialog criticizing myself for not being them. I have my own gifts. I play the piano – at a level many of my friends can only dream about. They don’t lose sleep over my ability to play music, and I don’t lose sleep over their ability to play basketball or tennis. Instead, we celebrate each other. That has made us closer. And, it has given me the confidence to try new stuff without worrying that I won’t be the best at it – or worrying that if I don’t like it, I’m somehow stuck. It’s liberating…
If you start measuring your life by results, that means that you no longer take excuses from other people, either. If you decide that you will require better treatment from those with whom you are in relationship, then you measure the relationship by their actions, not their words. You can not spend the rest of your life letting somebody else tell you how to feel, or telling you that you just see things wrong.
The traditional formula for taking purposeful action goes like this:
Be – Do – Have.
What that means is to BE committed, DO what it takes and HAVE what you want. Sound simple? It is. The difference between winners and losers is that winners do things losers don’t want to do. Without a willingness to take action you’re just a passenger in life, along for the ride. Does that feel OK to you? I know this works for a lot of people because it imposes no pressure to decide or stand accountable for your life’s results. That doesn’t work for me. And I frankly hope that it doesn’t work for you either – at least any more.
To start this conversation with yourself (the only person it really matters that you have this conversation with) you can ask yourself “Am I really worth it?” My best possible answer would be “Yes I am.” I’d also be happy with “I’m not sure, but I guess I’ll find out because I’m going to do it anyway.”
Talk is cheap. It's what you do that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions. They are of no value until then. Measure yourself and others based on results — not intentions or words.
Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.
Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.
Just do it. [Nike Slogan]
The Etymological Dictionary defines an iconoclast is a “breaker or destroyer of images” from the Late Greek word eikonoklastes. Later, an iconoclast was viewed as “one who attacks orthodox beliefs or institutions.” Today, iconoclasts like perceive things differently than other people - or maybe we just like to be annoying. Either way. This difference in perception plays out in our ideas, worldview and metaphysics - and in how we manage our fears and shadow self. It works well for me.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Owning my Perceptions - Mine, mine...all mine...
Recently a city councilman from Texas made an impassioned plea for kids, especially gay kids, who are challenged by bullies to recognize that the pain they face growing up in those kinds of circumstances is temporary and that “it does get better”. I think this is a great reminder that what really matters in our life, isn’t the reality of things – but our perception of how things are.
We know and experience our world only through the perceptions we have. There is no other way for us to filter this information. Each of us has the ability to choose how we perceive any event in our life, and we exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every moment we breath. No matter what the situation, we choose our reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event. I always like the Landmark Education quote, “Humans are ‘Meaning Making Machines'".
Once we start to live in this model – really live in it, not just a fleeting intellectual awareness, it gives us all kinds of power to begin to determine the nature and quality of our experiences. No one can make us mad, or happy, or sad…we choose those responses to the stimuli offered by others – but ultimately our choice about what to feel, rests with us. And it’s all about choices. I am the boss of me.
A lot of us don’t do this…we give our emotional wellbeing over to others – who are, for the most part, more than happy to take it. Instead of discovering “what’s up” for ourselves, we let others dictate our feelings – and this happens on all kinds of levels. From a more global view – where we might let Fox News or associated pundits determine what we think, to letting ourselves be victimized by the anger or anxiety issues of people with whom we are close.
It’s fine to listen to opinions (mine included) – as long as those opinions only “inform” our creation of perceptual filters. What happens too often, in my humble opinion, is that we’re lazy – or we want to belong, or we just think we’re too busy to think through things for ourselves. And we end up letting the opinions of others replace our own thinking.
Some of this comes from early training about the value of questioning. We may have grown up in a home where it wasn’t considered a good idea to “question” whatever was said. In coaching circles, we might call that the “Why” Because I’m your mother…that’s why!” model. Sorry, but that’s not a good enough reason to abdicate my own thinking in favor of yours – and the message we send when we say that, is “don’t think – I’ll do it for you.” This is a strange training model if we want to create self-sufficient, independent, or critical thinking effective humans.
And it doesn’t matter who says what – we have to evaluate in terms of our own wonderful capacity for critical thinking – just because your Pastor, parish priest or Rabbi, a TV newscaster, or a politician says something, doesn’t make it true. Just because it’s written somewhere, and perhaps even attributed to “God”, doesn’t make it true. We need to sift through what’s said – and check it against the idea of “does this make sense?” and “what is my heart telling me about this right now?” Your guy is a great assist in the process of bullshit detecting.
“There is no reality, only perception” means that we are in control. Sure, there are some kinds of reality that are pretty reliable – gravity, taxes, chocolate…things that we don’t really need to spend a lot of time arguing about…that’s not the reality I’m talking about. More specifically I’m concerned with the realities about ourselves we live with daily, or the realities about others…how we limit ourselves by our beliefs about what we can and can’t do. And how easily we accept the beliefs of others ABOUT us concerning our potential.
We all view the world through individual filters, which influence the interpretations we give events, how we respond, and how we are responded to. “We don’t see things as they are” writes Anais Nin, “we see things as we are.” Be aware of the factors that influence the way you see the world, this allows us to compensate for them and respond with some degree of consciousness. When we continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, we are allowing our past to control and dictate both our present and your future. Our history is not our destiny.
Filters are made up of a wide range of beliefs, or ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. Some of these beliefs are helpful – and some are limiting. Limiting beliefs are dangerous because if we treat them as fact, we will not seek, receive or process new information, undermining our capacity for creating effective change. When we "shake up" our belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, doing a “gut check” as it were - the freshness of our perspective can be startling – and vastly expand our horizons and capacity to live an effective, loving life.
We know and experience our world only through the perceptions we have. There is no other way for us to filter this information. Each of us has the ability to choose how we perceive any event in our life, and we exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every moment we breath. No matter what the situation, we choose our reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event. I always like the Landmark Education quote, “Humans are ‘Meaning Making Machines'".
Once we start to live in this model – really live in it, not just a fleeting intellectual awareness, it gives us all kinds of power to begin to determine the nature and quality of our experiences. No one can make us mad, or happy, or sad…we choose those responses to the stimuli offered by others – but ultimately our choice about what to feel, rests with us. And it’s all about choices. I am the boss of me.
A lot of us don’t do this…we give our emotional wellbeing over to others – who are, for the most part, more than happy to take it. Instead of discovering “what’s up” for ourselves, we let others dictate our feelings – and this happens on all kinds of levels. From a more global view – where we might let Fox News or associated pundits determine what we think, to letting ourselves be victimized by the anger or anxiety issues of people with whom we are close.
It’s fine to listen to opinions (mine included) – as long as those opinions only “inform” our creation of perceptual filters. What happens too often, in my humble opinion, is that we’re lazy – or we want to belong, or we just think we’re too busy to think through things for ourselves. And we end up letting the opinions of others replace our own thinking.
Some of this comes from early training about the value of questioning. We may have grown up in a home where it wasn’t considered a good idea to “question” whatever was said. In coaching circles, we might call that the “Why” Because I’m your mother…that’s why!” model. Sorry, but that’s not a good enough reason to abdicate my own thinking in favor of yours – and the message we send when we say that, is “don’t think – I’ll do it for you.” This is a strange training model if we want to create self-sufficient, independent, or critical thinking effective humans.
And it doesn’t matter who says what – we have to evaluate in terms of our own wonderful capacity for critical thinking – just because your Pastor, parish priest or Rabbi, a TV newscaster, or a politician says something, doesn’t make it true. Just because it’s written somewhere, and perhaps even attributed to “God”, doesn’t make it true. We need to sift through what’s said – and check it against the idea of “does this make sense?” and “what is my heart telling me about this right now?” Your guy is a great assist in the process of bullshit detecting.
“There is no reality, only perception” means that we are in control. Sure, there are some kinds of reality that are pretty reliable – gravity, taxes, chocolate…things that we don’t really need to spend a lot of time arguing about…that’s not the reality I’m talking about. More specifically I’m concerned with the realities about ourselves we live with daily, or the realities about others…how we limit ourselves by our beliefs about what we can and can’t do. And how easily we accept the beliefs of others ABOUT us concerning our potential.
We all view the world through individual filters, which influence the interpretations we give events, how we respond, and how we are responded to. “We don’t see things as they are” writes Anais Nin, “we see things as we are.” Be aware of the factors that influence the way you see the world, this allows us to compensate for them and respond with some degree of consciousness. When we continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, we are allowing our past to control and dictate both our present and your future. Our history is not our destiny.
Filters are made up of a wide range of beliefs, or ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. Some of these beliefs are helpful – and some are limiting. Limiting beliefs are dangerous because if we treat them as fact, we will not seek, receive or process new information, undermining our capacity for creating effective change. When we "shake up" our belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, doing a “gut check” as it were - the freshness of our perspective can be startling – and vastly expand our horizons and capacity to live an effective, loving life.
Friday, October 1, 2010
What Change? Start with Getting Real...
“We’ve got them”. (General George A. Custer, on being attacked at the Little Bighorn, 1876).
So yesterday I learned that my friend Barrett, now in jail (again) on a parole violation for an assortment of infractions is going to go back to prison. My guess would be a five-year parole violation. That’s a lot of time for “not getting it”, although, as I have written before – since this is far from Barrett’s first rodeo, I’m pretty sure there are some sub-conscious drives on Barrett’s part making prison his payoff of choice. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would choose prison over freedom, but it really happens all the time – and for a long list of reasons which perhaps will make the topic of another blog.
Barrett is an addict. It doesn’t matter what he’s addicted to (drugs and a cross addiction with relationships are the major factors in his case), his addictive behavior colors his perceptions, his choices and creates consequences completely in opposite to his state goals.
AA/NA has an old say, “Think what you always think and you’ll get what you always get.” That’s a great recognition that our thinking completely defines our outcomes. As long as he thinks that his addiction isn’t his problem, he won’t be able to change anything.
If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it. Barrett’s transformation and healing will begin the moment he says, to himself and anyone else who’s still listening, “I’ve made some really bad choices – I need to address these issues.”
Imagine going to the doctor and the doctor asks whether you’ve been having dizzy spells, and rather than admit it, you say, “Well, not really.” What’s going to happen? The doctor isn’t going to be able to treat you and you’ll keep getting dizzy. Which is fine if you like getting dizzy, but if you don’t – it’s a real waste of both your time and the doctor’s.
In the behavioral sciences community there is a dynamic called “Perceptual Defense” – this is a mechanism that protects us from those things that our minds, at some level, determine we cannot handle or which we do not want to face. In addicts, there is a slight variation on this where “Perceptual Defense” isn’t protecting the person from challenges, but the addiction itself.
Perceptual Defense is active in all phases of our everyday life. It keeps us from seeing things we don’t want to be true. The problem is that in protecting some part of our ego structure, it also keeps us from picking up on warning signs, or realities that would enable us to make more productive, or positive choices.
Interesting studies have been done on how effective our perceptual defense system is at keeping us from recognizing warning signs and indicators that our life isn’t on track, or at least isn’t on the track we want it to be.
Being able to crack this system requires honesty. In the case of my friend, Barrett, he has to look around himself and say, “Wow – jail again. Something must be wrong with my strategy.” He has to personalize the experience, and own that he is the creator of the experience. His choices landed him where he is. That’s simply the straight fact. Jail isn’t where he says he wants to be, yet there he is. The logical conclusion that something is really wrong isn’t hard to reach. The trick is having to personalize it…”I am responsible,” “I create my reality,” – somehow, since I knew we only do what “works”, this is working for me. How screwed up is that? And then, ask ourselves to dig deeper.
When we start this personal line of inquiry or investigation, we begin to crack the perceptual defense system. We start to understand that change is possible, but in the process of creating that change for ourselves, we have to get real about ourselves, our situation and acknowledge that something is out of kilter. Seriously out of kilter in some circumstances.
Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness. The best friends you will ever have are the friends who tell you the truth. No one is served by just feeding you what you want to hear (we have learned how destructive that is in the political arena, or with celebrities like Lindsey Lohan, who surrounds herself with people who just tell her what she wants to hear, rather than what she needs to hear.) Healing starts when we are willing to be best friends with ourselves, and own, admit, acknowledge – and otherwise fess up to the negative, life-limiting behaviors and patterns that keep us from really recognizing and living our potential.
Acknowledgement isn’t saying “Yep, I’m an addict” because that’s what we expect people want to hear from us – Acknowledgement isn’t saying anything that we say for the benefit of other people, or to manipulate them into thinking we’re changing or going to change. Acknowledgement is a no-kidding, unvarnished, bottom-line, truthful confrontation with ourselves about what we are doing or not doing, or what we are putting up with in our life that is destructive. This also means that we recognize we are getting payoffs for our behavior, and committing to understanding what the payoffs for those things are.
Remember the Jack Nicholson character in “A Few Good Men”? “You can’t handle the truth,” he shouts in the courtroom near the end of the movie. If we were honest, most of us would need to admit that we aren’t always great at handling the truth. What most of us really want is validation, not truth. We want reinforcement for our thinking – and we seek out people and information that support the conclusion’s we’ve already reached.
The insistence on being right can have tragic outcomes. Barrett’s a great example – his insistence that everything else is to blame for his current predicament, other than his addiction, has landed him for the umpteenth time in jail.
Changing requires acknowledging what the real story is, what the real issue is and recognizing that unless we deal with the reality – it’s like repainting the ceiling to fix a leaking roof. You may cover up the damage – but only until the next time it rains.
Where are you now? If you hope to stop creating misery in your life, or negative, un-wanted consequences - you have to be honest about where your life is right now. No situation is too bad to fix and it's not too late to fix it. But be honest about what needs fixing. Get real. Get better.
So yesterday I learned that my friend Barrett, now in jail (again) on a parole violation for an assortment of infractions is going to go back to prison. My guess would be a five-year parole violation. That’s a lot of time for “not getting it”, although, as I have written before – since this is far from Barrett’s first rodeo, I’m pretty sure there are some sub-conscious drives on Barrett’s part making prison his payoff of choice. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would choose prison over freedom, but it really happens all the time – and for a long list of reasons which perhaps will make the topic of another blog.
Barrett is an addict. It doesn’t matter what he’s addicted to (drugs and a cross addiction with relationships are the major factors in his case), his addictive behavior colors his perceptions, his choices and creates consequences completely in opposite to his state goals.
AA/NA has an old say, “Think what you always think and you’ll get what you always get.” That’s a great recognition that our thinking completely defines our outcomes. As long as he thinks that his addiction isn’t his problem, he won’t be able to change anything.
If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it. Barrett’s transformation and healing will begin the moment he says, to himself and anyone else who’s still listening, “I’ve made some really bad choices – I need to address these issues.”
Imagine going to the doctor and the doctor asks whether you’ve been having dizzy spells, and rather than admit it, you say, “Well, not really.” What’s going to happen? The doctor isn’t going to be able to treat you and you’ll keep getting dizzy. Which is fine if you like getting dizzy, but if you don’t – it’s a real waste of both your time and the doctor’s.
In the behavioral sciences community there is a dynamic called “Perceptual Defense” – this is a mechanism that protects us from those things that our minds, at some level, determine we cannot handle or which we do not want to face. In addicts, there is a slight variation on this where “Perceptual Defense” isn’t protecting the person from challenges, but the addiction itself.
Perceptual Defense is active in all phases of our everyday life. It keeps us from seeing things we don’t want to be true. The problem is that in protecting some part of our ego structure, it also keeps us from picking up on warning signs, or realities that would enable us to make more productive, or positive choices.
Interesting studies have been done on how effective our perceptual defense system is at keeping us from recognizing warning signs and indicators that our life isn’t on track, or at least isn’t on the track we want it to be.
Being able to crack this system requires honesty. In the case of my friend, Barrett, he has to look around himself and say, “Wow – jail again. Something must be wrong with my strategy.” He has to personalize the experience, and own that he is the creator of the experience. His choices landed him where he is. That’s simply the straight fact. Jail isn’t where he says he wants to be, yet there he is. The logical conclusion that something is really wrong isn’t hard to reach. The trick is having to personalize it…”I am responsible,” “I create my reality,” – somehow, since I knew we only do what “works”, this is working for me. How screwed up is that? And then, ask ourselves to dig deeper.
When we start this personal line of inquiry or investigation, we begin to crack the perceptual defense system. We start to understand that change is possible, but in the process of creating that change for ourselves, we have to get real about ourselves, our situation and acknowledge that something is out of kilter. Seriously out of kilter in some circumstances.
Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness. The best friends you will ever have are the friends who tell you the truth. No one is served by just feeding you what you want to hear (we have learned how destructive that is in the political arena, or with celebrities like Lindsey Lohan, who surrounds herself with people who just tell her what she wants to hear, rather than what she needs to hear.) Healing starts when we are willing to be best friends with ourselves, and own, admit, acknowledge – and otherwise fess up to the negative, life-limiting behaviors and patterns that keep us from really recognizing and living our potential.
Acknowledgement isn’t saying “Yep, I’m an addict” because that’s what we expect people want to hear from us – Acknowledgement isn’t saying anything that we say for the benefit of other people, or to manipulate them into thinking we’re changing or going to change. Acknowledgement is a no-kidding, unvarnished, bottom-line, truthful confrontation with ourselves about what we are doing or not doing, or what we are putting up with in our life that is destructive. This also means that we recognize we are getting payoffs for our behavior, and committing to understanding what the payoffs for those things are.
Remember the Jack Nicholson character in “A Few Good Men”? “You can’t handle the truth,” he shouts in the courtroom near the end of the movie. If we were honest, most of us would need to admit that we aren’t always great at handling the truth. What most of us really want is validation, not truth. We want reinforcement for our thinking – and we seek out people and information that support the conclusion’s we’ve already reached.
The insistence on being right can have tragic outcomes. Barrett’s a great example – his insistence that everything else is to blame for his current predicament, other than his addiction, has landed him for the umpteenth time in jail.
Changing requires acknowledging what the real story is, what the real issue is and recognizing that unless we deal with the reality – it’s like repainting the ceiling to fix a leaking roof. You may cover up the damage – but only until the next time it rains.
Where are you now? If you hope to stop creating misery in your life, or negative, un-wanted consequences - you have to be honest about where your life is right now. No situation is too bad to fix and it's not too late to fix it. But be honest about what needs fixing. Get real. Get better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)