What Works - doesn't always Work...

I’ve written before about my friend Barrett who’s back in jail again. I don’t know how many times this makes, but it’s quite a few. Barrett’s friends and family (he has many friends and an extended, supportive family) ask, “Why?” Barrett isn’t dumb, and knows that the behavior that cause him to end up in the hoosegow again (and again, and again) could easily be modified. He also claims to “hate” jail. So what’s up?

The answer is simple. At some level jail is a payoff for Barrett. He’s getting what works for him. So he continues to do it, even though if you were to broach the subject with him he’d adamantly deny it.

I see this dynamic replicated over and over again with friends who are in prison. The payoff for them is that they end up free of responsibility, or out of a relationship that feels uncomfortable at some level to them, or away from having to deal with the pressures of competing in a large marketplace, or happy to be a “big fish in a small pond” – or countless other things. Paid off? Yes. Satisfied? No.

And, it’s not just people in prison – all of us participate in continued dysfunctional behaviors because there’s a payoff lurking in the background. I hate being fat (I am) but still find myself going to “all you can eat” places, or ordering the fried shrimp instead of a salad. What’s the payoff? Emotional obesity.

At twenty-six my friend Donna has already lost her mother and two grandparents to cancer. It really scares her that she might be predisposed to the disease herself. She thinks about this as she tears open her second package of cigarettes for the day.

As you think about these little stories – do you notice a pattern present in your own life? Whenever we do things that on some level we don’t want to do, and know isn’t helpful to our “big picture goals” – we’re getting a payoff – not the one we consciously want, but the one that is dominant for us. The behavior we choose creates the results we get. Things don’t “happen” to us. We choose the behavior, the behavior begets results. Simple as that.

Changing this dynamic in our life can be hard. We can start behaving in positive ways, leading to the result of getting what we want, or on a more subtle level, we can stop behaving in ways that interfere with us having what we want. If we didn’t perceive a particular behavior serving some purpose for us, at some level, conscious or un-conscious, we wouldn’t do it.

Why on earth would we continue to do things that hurt us? Why do we continue in relationships that provide no real satisfaction, or jobs that make us miserable, or any number of other things that don’t allow us to manifest our ultimate potential? Because those things work.

In some cases it’s as simple as the “I need attention” syndrome. We enjoy being the victim, getting people to feel sorry for us and recognize how hard we have it (although we are creating that “hard” every step of the way). The subconscious mind doesn’t differentiate between “good attention” and “bad attention”. All attention is good attention. In the context of prisons, people can do things so they get awards and certificates, or get extracted from their cells by a group of guards. Attention is attention. Sometimes the latter is easier and more expedient than the former. There’s some status among inmates in being a prison troublemaker. Again, pay value.

The most obvious and easily measured payoffs are, predictably, monetary. That’s the primary reason we go to work every day, when we would rather be home or doing something else. We value money, so we are willing to make sacrifices in order to get it. Sometimes, even more powerful payoffs are non-monetary. Psychological income, for example, can take the form of acceptance, approval, praise, love, companionship, greed, punishment or fulfillment.

One of the great needs humans have is to “be right”. If I have an internal map of reality or worldview that I am not OK, or not deserving, or not (insert whatever you think here) enough of something – there is a serious effort on the part of my consciousness to reconcile my inner and outer world. To validate, as it were, my belief about whatever negative perception I hold (or conversely, positive perception, it works the same way). The payoff is seeing, “Aha…I really am, loveable, un-loveable, worthy, etc., etc.”

A lot of people grew up with someone telling them what they couldn’t do, or what they couldn’t accomplish, or how they weren’t worth anything – or worse, no one told them those things, but the message was reinforced by parents who were too busy with their own lives to deal with their kids (message; you’re not important). So we look for all the ways we can validate that belief about ourselves in our world. How can I make myself be “not important” – thus right in my belief about myself? Doesn’t take long to find behaviors that will reinforce that belief with results.

Another prison example – so many guys I know, think that if only they weren’t in prison what a great father, husband or provider they would be. Then, they get out and find out how hard it is to be a great father, or a great husband and how hard it is to be a provider – and rather than admit that, like everyone else, all they can do is try to achieve the image they have in their minds of being Ward Cleever or Dr. Huxtable, and do their best – it’s just not easy. Rather than recognizing who they imagine themselves to be isn’t who they are (at least not without some serious work, effort and patience) – it’s easier to go back to prison for some stupid little thing, blame the “system” – and rest assured in their minds that they would be great at whatever, if only the system wasn’t screwed up. The payoff is that their view of themselves remains intact, although there’s now no way to test it.

Ditto people who have relationships with prisoners or people who are on long military deployments – as long as they are away in prison or on an aircraft carrier for six months, one can live a fantasy life about how wonderful their spouse or significant other is, how when you are finally together all will be bliss – because “he/she completes me…” Then they come home and the reality doesn’t match up with the belief or the image and there can be hell to pay – with the usual result being one or other party creates a behavior or situation allowing them to opt out.

Every behavior has a payoff. Even the most destructive behaviors have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it.

Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Payoffs can be as simple as money gained by going to work to psychological payoffs of acceptance, approval, praise, love or companionship. It is possible that you are feeding off unhealthy, addictive and imprisoning payoffs, such as self-punishment or distorted self-importance.

Be alert to the possibility that your behavior is controlled by fear of rejection. It's easier not to change. Try something new or put yourself on the line. Also consider if your need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.

As is so often the case, turn on the lights and the bogeyman disappears. Once we start to get conscious about what our payoffs are, and evaluate how helpful they are in terms of our stated goals and objectives – we can address the ones that really don’t serve us well. We are shaping our own behavior by the payoffs we are getting in life. Think a bit today about what in your life isn’t working, but keeps cropping up over and over again. Or, in the life of someone else you know…either way. And if you want feedback, post a comment. Happy to respond.