Re-Parenting my Inner Child

If I don't Love Myself, who will?

"We teach people how to treat us." (Dr. Phil's 10 Life Laws)

First, let me make the distinction between loving oneself and being in love with oneself. Loving oneself means that we treat ourselves with respect, and create an atmosphere of respect and boundaries that supports and encourages other people to do the same. Being IN love with ourselves means that we are infatuated with our image and can only see the up side of whatever we do. We're legends in our own minds. OK. Clear on the distinction?


Many of us don't treat ourselves very well. We break promises to ourselves, eat poorly, don’t get enough sleep, are self-critical, or fail to take good care of our bodies. (Me; top of the list, guilty as charged). In fact, if we treated others the way we treat ourselves, it would be a pretty lonely existence.

One technique for treating ourselves better is by developing our Inner Nurturing Parent. This is a little trickier than it might seem, because we really can't model this parent after our own parents (at least in many cases) so we have to go on composites of the models of parenting we've seen on TV, or in the media. Sort of a cross between "Leave-it-to-Beaver" and and the Huxtable family on "The Cosby Show".

So, with the power of visualization, we can visualize ourselves with the wisdom and insight of the aforementioned TV Sit-Coms, and commence to re-parenting ourselves.

Imagine you had a little child in your care. You’d make every effort to keep her healthy and safe; to love and support her; to be forgiving of her mistakes, her inevitable slips; and to let her know how precious and important she is. That’s what a loving parent does. Only, in this case, you’re both the parent and the child. Below are seven ways to strengthen your own Inner Nurturing Parent, and turn the goal of treating yourself better into daily, living action.

Every day I ask myself "How can I be a better parent?" I don't want to focus unnecessarily on my the parenting patterns I learned as a child, some of which were effective and some less so, although occasionally it's helpful to understand how we've created the "maps" that guide us today so that we can be more efficient at un-creating the ones which limit us. But better to focus our efforts on the present, and how we are creating our future - than stuff in the distant past.

"How Can I be a better parent (to myself)?"

I can send loving messages to myself. Affirmations are very powerful, and we fill our conscious waking with enough negative ones.

I can tell myself, “I love you and appreciate who you are.” Who I am now, not who I think I should be after completing a long checklist of self-improvement tasks.

When I do something well, or nice, or kind, I can give myself a pat on the back. Say: “Great job! I’m so proud of you.” When I'm struggling or feeling low, be supportive by saying: “I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”

Take good (or at least better) care of myself. A loving parent makes sure you eat right and get plenty of rest, sleep, fresh air, and exercise. Keep yourself healthy and fit. Practicing good self-care is an essential part of this process.

Do nice things for myself. Get into the habit of doing special things - make a cup of tea with the nurturing energy that I'd have when preparing tea for someone I love. Visit the sauna, get a massage, or take a nice long shower or bath. Step away from the computer, turn it OFF, and read for an hour or so. These are little things - but they convey the message to your sub-conscious that you matter and you're of value.

Set healthy boundaries with others. It's OK if I say "no" once in a while. Let people know what I want and don’t want. Tell them what’s okay for me and what’s not. A nurturing parent wouldn’t let someone treat their child badly. A loving parent makes sure his or her child’s needs are met.

Become my own own advocate. If someone is disrespectful or hurtful, speak up. Tell them you don’t want to be spoken to that way. If someone was unkind, hostile, or verbally abusive to your child, you’d stand up for him. And sometimes, what we hear isn't what was said, so this is an opportunity to clarify. Often we respond to what we heard, (not what was said) for years...at our own loss and detriment.

Believe in myself. A nurturing parent would highlight my uniqueness, encourage me to build on my strengths, and support me in a loving, nonjudgmental way. A nurturing parent says: “You can do it.” “I believe in you.” Become your own strongest supporter, coach, and cheerleader. A nurturing parent also tells us we're wrong in a loving way - listen to our heart or intuition and it will do the same thing.

And lastly and most important: Be compassionate with myself. Have compassion for my humanity and flaws. I'm human and I'm going to make mistakes. Look at yourself through the eyes of a loving parent; don’t punish or criticize yourself. Accept yourself unconditionally.

When we learn how to fully show compassion to ourselves, we are ready to show it to everyone else - because inside, we're all little kids - looking for love, kindness and affirmation. What a blessing when we find it, and even more so when we are it's genuine manifestation.

We teach people how to treat us - well, badly or with indifference. Let's school them right...