Principle 6 - The Principle of Conscious Change

When I first read these principles back in the late 90’s, as written by Bill Harris, director of Centerpointe Research – I was pretty blown away because they are so direct, insightful and applicable to my daily life.

I also recognized that while these principles were simple and straightforward, there were also a multitude of layers within each one. They can be implemented in a minute, or you can take a lifetime to understand and appreciate them. Now, after teaching them for several years (mostly in churches, recovery communities and the a state prison) and applying them very specifically in my own life through some challenging times, I even better appreciate their wisdom and value.

Remember learning to ride a bicycle? I used the “downhill” method. We lived on Meadow Street in Demarest, NJ – and there was a slight hill that went up a ways. I would walk my bike to the top of the hill, and then using gravity for momentum, ride down. It was easy to balance that way and after a couple of times, I completely got it. Yippee….

Tying my shoes? Another challenge until one day it just “clicked” and voila – there it was. These principles are the same as riding a bike or tying your shoe. They seem hard, but once you get it, they are easy -- and because of them, life becomes much easier. The best stuff we do is, in essence always easy. If something is hard or a challenge for you, you are doing something, consciously or unconsciously, to make it hard- and there may be some resistance there…

For so many people life is mostly bumps, bruises and suffering. From my perspective, it is easy to see how they are creating all of this, and also how they can stop creating it.

But for so many, life all just seems to be "happening" to them. They don't yet see that what happens comes from them, from their model of the world, from what they focus on, from their internal and external strategies for making each moment-by-moment decision.

Yesterday’s principle is an extremely important principle because until you take responsibility, until you realize that what happens (or at the very least your response to what happens) is coming from you and NOT from anything outside of you, you can't do anything about it. Once you take responsibility, though, you can take control and make things the way you want them.

The next step, once you accept personal responsibility, is to become more conscious. And here is where I get into my moment of indecision. How do I describe "conscious" to you? Everyone throws this term around as if they know what it means, but as I look around, it is not at all apparent to me that they do. Being conscious does NOT mean being politically correct, or following the Dalai Lama, or being aware of injustice, or even something like communicating with God or Jesus or spirit guides, or anything like that.

Being conscious means not operating as an automatic response mechanism. It means seeing what is happening, on all levels simultaneously, at every moment, and choosing an emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual response based on what is the most resourceful choice in that moment. I remember when I did The Forum (Landmark Education’s weekend program, based on the EST program) they talked about moments of awakening – moments of sleep – then awakening again, then sleep. And that’s a little what it’s like. We have moments where we wake up and are aware, then forget and get caught in the drama again. The goal, is to make those moments of awareness more frequent, and the “recovery time” (when we fall back asleep again) shorter.

Ultimately, it means doing all of this automatically, without conscious thought (there's a seeming contradiction! -- being conscious, but doing it automatically). A part of you learns to process all the possibilities in a split second and respond in just the right way – not with a preset response (which is what I mean by being an automatic response mechanism), but with a choice that is optimum for the situation.

Many people, unfortunately, are on automatic pilot. They have "rules" or set procedures for what to think, what to feel, and what to do in various situations -- rules or procedures they learned when they were too young to know any better -- and these responses happen automatically, like Pavlov's dog salivating when it hears the bell. Some of these responses were learned through physical or emotional pain, and are particularly deeply imbedded. Others are just things we accepted as true because our parents told us they were true over and over at an age when they seemed like infallible gods. We bought it, lock stock and barrel.

At the very least, many of these rules and procedures serve to help us deal with our anxiety, or overwhelm. We feel anxious so we withdraw, get angry, have a cigarette, eat, exercise, act silly, have a drink, talk too much, space out, have sex, tense up, buy something, watch TV, cry...or one of thousands of other behaviors or feelings. We don't choose to do them because they seemed to be the most resourceful thing we could do at the time. We just do them, automatically. Usually they are anything but resourceful. Often, they lead to drama, suffering, problems, and sadness.

A person who has done much of their life unconsciously doesn't know they are doing it, and you may not believe me when I tell you this is something you are probably doing, and doing quite a lot, if not all, of the time. It takes becoming more conscious to realize what you were doing.

I like to recommend that people be the watcher, just noticing yourself when you are having an uncomfortable feeling, when I say "just watch with curiosity," I am trying to get you to begin the process of becoming more conscious. To wake up as it were, and to do so with simple awareness – without judgment that your responses or reactions are right or wrong.

Here is the BIG BENEFIT of being more conscious: It is impossible to do something that isn't good for you, or is in some way non-resourceful (destructive) to you, and also do it consciously. You can do something destructive to yourself (feelings, beliefs, values, behaviors, etc.) over and over as long as you do it unconsciously (without continuous conscious awareness).

But once you begin to do the non-resourceful feeling, behavior, belief, value, etc. consciously, it will begin to fall away. You just cannot do something that isn’t good for you and also do it consciously.

The trick, of course, is to remain conscious, which seems really hard until you get it, and then it seems easy and you wonder why you ever thought it was hard. For this reason, as you unravel in your own life the mystery of what it means to be conscious, do not let yourself be discouraged. Keep going, keep trying, keep watching, and at some point you will turn around and no one will be holding the bicycle up and you'll be doing it and it will all make sense.

To become conscious, you must 1) identify your favorite ways of going unconscious, 2) be vigilant in noticing them, and 3) be committed to gradually facing ourselves from the perspective of the watcher instead of allowing ourselves to go unconscious. This means developing the ability to be the witness to what is happening, developing that part of you that can stand aside and notice what you are doing, feeling, or thinking, as you do it, watching without judgment or comment, just watching with curiosity, like a scientist.

Just watch – the drama can unfold around you, and you’re just watching it. At some point you will develop the capacity for maintaining peace in the middle of it all, because – hey, you’re just watching it happen. You don’t have to play. You don’t have to respond or react. (Unless you want to, of course, then respond or react consciously – and feel free to throw yourself into the game with gusto).

The benefit of this practice? You more closer to creating the “you” you know you can be, and that isn’t just a matter of luck, or fortune, or anything else outside of yourself. It’s just intentional choice. And oh my friend, what incredible freedom there is in intentional choice…