Helping or Hindering

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. [Lao Tzu]

I will admit that I'm not always clear on what's helpful. Right now a good friend has found himself in a pickle again. Back in jail, for the umpteenth time - and because he is a good friend (although right now he doesn't think I care or that I am a friend - but more on that in a minute) I have found myself emotionally exhausted at watching the life he had spent the last couple of years being dismantled. The verdict isn't in yet as to what the disposition of his case will be - but I'm not feeling confident.

To 'enable' is to be co-dependent. When we do things for others, that they are capable of doing for themselves, we enable. So, to start out my own understanding of my behavior I have to ask myself the question - "Am I doing this for me, or for them?"

This is not the same as helping someone who has been under a heavy burden and needs a helping hand up. When we enable, we rob the other person of their dignity by doing for them, what they can do for themselves. We interrupt the process of growing up and growing in inner strength.

Our own Recovery from the need or compulsion to enable or "help" (many call it "co-dependency") is entirely possible, but it takes re-learning how we think about our relationships, and ourselves. The cause of this, goes deep into the need to people-please, which if we dig even deeper, we are saying to the other person, 'you can't do it, I'll do it for you' and we are giving the signal how we believe we are better than them. You might say, it's even EGO driven, so there is a pride factor as well as our insecurity to need to 'fix' someone (as if we ever could). It's truly a state of dis-ease but one that can be unlearned.

If we are honest about our motives, which may take serious self-examination and if we are respectful of ourselves and others and will allow others to fall and make their own mistakes, as well as rise up and find their own strength, we have learned how to stop enabling. There is hope for us yet.

Strife comes from enabling. Peace comes from helping in true care, concern and love.

The majority of us do not change until we are uncomfortable. If you look at changes in your life it was because most of the time there was discomfort or pain. In the Twelve Step Programs they call it the bottom. Reaching the bottom is the start of change. The founder of AA put it this way. "Hopeless desperation is the cornerstone of change."

Enabling then is an act that keeps people from their bottom (suffering and pain) and eventually dealing with their issue. The problem is it is difficult for many of us to tell if we are helping or enabling, it is a very thin line. Most people do not like to standby when a person is in pain and not help.

The other problem is that what we are doing in most cases; under normal circumstances is a nice act. The difference is what the outcome is for the person receiving the help. We can ask ourselves, "Is this a one time help or is it something that teaches them to rely on me.?"

One of the things I have learned to consider is if I am questioning if something I'm doing is helping or enabling then is probably is enabling. Or ask yourself "am I helping them or making them depended on me?" This might be a good opportunity to examine my own feelings about the degree to which I need to feel needed.

There are other considerations; the dictionary defines "enable" as: "To supply with the means, the knowledge or the opportunity; to make able." This is a very positive thing.

I know for my friend in jail - that he is far more interested in maintaining his comfort zone than making any changes in his life. Even if the results of his comfort zone ends up being jail or prison. After all, he has a long history of being taken care of - so it's not all that bad. All the efforts his family and friends, myself included, expend on his behalf to maintain his comfort zone (or discomfort zone) could be reliably considered as enabling behavior.

My friend is angry or at least frustrated at me because I won't get with the program and do what he wants. The trouble is, what he wants, what he really wants, is to be a little boy who needs a parent - not a grown man who has, accepts and takes care of his responsibilities. I'm not willing to play that game.

Maybe it's time to help him with the knowledge that deep down, he can do it himself - and we'll all be a lot more impressed at his "progress" if he makes an honest attempt at trying. It's time for him to stop being a victim.