Principle 6 - The Principle of Conscious Change

When I first read these principles back in the late 90’s, as written by Bill Harris, director of Centerpointe Research – I was pretty blown away because they are so direct, insightful and applicable to my daily life.

I also recognized that while these principles were simple and straightforward, there were also a multitude of layers within each one. They can be implemented in a minute, or you can take a lifetime to understand and appreciate them. Now, after teaching them for several years (mostly in churches, recovery communities and the a state prison) and applying them very specifically in my own life through some challenging times, I even better appreciate their wisdom and value.

Remember learning to ride a bicycle? I used the “downhill” method. We lived on Meadow Street in Demarest, NJ – and there was a slight hill that went up a ways. I would walk my bike to the top of the hill, and then using gravity for momentum, ride down. It was easy to balance that way and after a couple of times, I completely got it. Yippee….

Tying my shoes? Another challenge until one day it just “clicked” and voila – there it was. These principles are the same as riding a bike or tying your shoe. They seem hard, but once you get it, they are easy -- and because of them, life becomes much easier. The best stuff we do is, in essence always easy. If something is hard or a challenge for you, you are doing something, consciously or unconsciously, to make it hard- and there may be some resistance there…

For so many people life is mostly bumps, bruises and suffering. From my perspective, it is easy to see how they are creating all of this, and also how they can stop creating it.

But for so many, life all just seems to be "happening" to them. They don't yet see that what happens comes from them, from their model of the world, from what they focus on, from their internal and external strategies for making each moment-by-moment decision.

Yesterday’s principle is an extremely important principle because until you take responsibility, until you realize that what happens (or at the very least your response to what happens) is coming from you and NOT from anything outside of you, you can't do anything about it. Once you take responsibility, though, you can take control and make things the way you want them.

The next step, once you accept personal responsibility, is to become more conscious. And here is where I get into my moment of indecision. How do I describe "conscious" to you? Everyone throws this term around as if they know what it means, but as I look around, it is not at all apparent to me that they do. Being conscious does NOT mean being politically correct, or following the Dalai Lama, or being aware of injustice, or even something like communicating with God or Jesus or spirit guides, or anything like that.

Being conscious means not operating as an automatic response mechanism. It means seeing what is happening, on all levels simultaneously, at every moment, and choosing an emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual response based on what is the most resourceful choice in that moment. I remember when I did The Forum (Landmark Education’s weekend program, based on the EST program) they talked about moments of awakening – moments of sleep – then awakening again, then sleep. And that’s a little what it’s like. We have moments where we wake up and are aware, then forget and get caught in the drama again. The goal, is to make those moments of awareness more frequent, and the “recovery time” (when we fall back asleep again) shorter.

Ultimately, it means doing all of this automatically, without conscious thought (there's a seeming contradiction! -- being conscious, but doing it automatically). A part of you learns to process all the possibilities in a split second and respond in just the right way – not with a preset response (which is what I mean by being an automatic response mechanism), but with a choice that is optimum for the situation.

Many people, unfortunately, are on automatic pilot. They have "rules" or set procedures for what to think, what to feel, and what to do in various situations -- rules or procedures they learned when they were too young to know any better -- and these responses happen automatically, like Pavlov's dog salivating when it hears the bell. Some of these responses were learned through physical or emotional pain, and are particularly deeply imbedded. Others are just things we accepted as true because our parents told us they were true over and over at an age when they seemed like infallible gods. We bought it, lock stock and barrel.

At the very least, many of these rules and procedures serve to help us deal with our anxiety, or overwhelm. We feel anxious so we withdraw, get angry, have a cigarette, eat, exercise, act silly, have a drink, talk too much, space out, have sex, tense up, buy something, watch TV, cry...or one of thousands of other behaviors or feelings. We don't choose to do them because they seemed to be the most resourceful thing we could do at the time. We just do them, automatically. Usually they are anything but resourceful. Often, they lead to drama, suffering, problems, and sadness.

A person who has done much of their life unconsciously doesn't know they are doing it, and you may not believe me when I tell you this is something you are probably doing, and doing quite a lot, if not all, of the time. It takes becoming more conscious to realize what you were doing.

I like to recommend that people be the watcher, just noticing yourself when you are having an uncomfortable feeling, when I say "just watch with curiosity," I am trying to get you to begin the process of becoming more conscious. To wake up as it were, and to do so with simple awareness – without judgment that your responses or reactions are right or wrong.

Here is the BIG BENEFIT of being more conscious: It is impossible to do something that isn't good for you, or is in some way non-resourceful (destructive) to you, and also do it consciously. You can do something destructive to yourself (feelings, beliefs, values, behaviors, etc.) over and over as long as you do it unconsciously (without continuous conscious awareness).

But once you begin to do the non-resourceful feeling, behavior, belief, value, etc. consciously, it will begin to fall away. You just cannot do something that isn’t good for you and also do it consciously.

The trick, of course, is to remain conscious, which seems really hard until you get it, and then it seems easy and you wonder why you ever thought it was hard. For this reason, as you unravel in your own life the mystery of what it means to be conscious, do not let yourself be discouraged. Keep going, keep trying, keep watching, and at some point you will turn around and no one will be holding the bicycle up and you'll be doing it and it will all make sense.

To become conscious, you must 1) identify your favorite ways of going unconscious, 2) be vigilant in noticing them, and 3) be committed to gradually facing ourselves from the perspective of the watcher instead of allowing ourselves to go unconscious. This means developing the ability to be the witness to what is happening, developing that part of you that can stand aside and notice what you are doing, feeling, or thinking, as you do it, watching without judgment or comment, just watching with curiosity, like a scientist.

Just watch – the drama can unfold around you, and you’re just watching it. At some point you will develop the capacity for maintaining peace in the middle of it all, because – hey, you’re just watching it happen. You don’t have to play. You don’t have to respond or react. (Unless you want to, of course, then respond or react consciously – and feel free to throw yourself into the game with gusto).

The benefit of this practice? You more closer to creating the “you” you know you can be, and that isn’t just a matter of luck, or fortune, or anything else outside of yourself. It’s just intentional choice. And oh my friend, what incredible freedom there is in intentional choice…

Principle 5 - Responsibility as Empowerment

I will admit to getting frustrated when people say “You made me mad.” Or “He/She really pissed me off.” I get frustrated because it’s neither true, nor possible.

Everyone who has been on a personal growth path for any length of time has been told that "you are the creator of your world" or "you are not a victim" or some variation thereof. Most would agree to both statements if asked.

However, in real-life when something happens we don't like, even those who have an extensive history of personal growth experience, begin blaming something outside of themselves for what has happened.

Giving lip service a principles is not helpful. Sophisticated mental acrobatics or rationalizations to convince yourself and others that you are not responsible for what is happening isn’t helpful to you either.

Why? Because until you realize that you create your experience of your world, including every happiness and every suffering, you will be at the "effect" end of the cause and effect process. You, and your experience of life, will be controlled by and at the whim of whatever is happening around you. Your only chance for happiness will be to find perfect circumstances and to find a way to keep them that way. Good luck with that.

And you know, if you think about it, you have a much greater statistical chance of winning the lottery.

The truth is, you are responsible for every feeling or behavior you have, in the sense that it is either your chosen response to something that happens, or is an automatic unconscious response based on the way your internal map of reality has been structured (see Principle 3).

This is very different from saying you are to blame for every feeling or behavior you have. Taking personal responsibility is not about blame but rather about personal power. If someone or something outside of you is the cause of how you feel or behave, you are powerless -- a victim. If you, or at least your unconscious processes, are at cause, you have power and can do something to change your experience of the situation to one that is happier and more peaceful. Things outside of you may be a stimulus or trigger (I’ll talk more about the term “trigger” in a minute) but how you respond comes from you, either consciously or unconsciously.

You can live in a world where other people or events cause you to feel the way you feel, but there is a high price. The price is that you will feel bad a great deal of the time. Or, you can choose to totally take responsibility for every feeling you have and every behavior you have. Having done so, you suddenly are at the "cause" end of the cause and effect process, where you can choose how you feel and how you behave.

If you are making a choice to feel something or to behave in a certain way, you can of course just make the right choice: to feel something that feels good or to behave in a way that has the greatest chance of having a good outcome. But what do you do with all those feelings and behaviors that seem to come unbidden, automatically? Since for most people, even those who are "advanced" seekers of consciousness, the majority of feelings and behaviors fall into this category, this is a very important question.

First, you have to begin by accepting the main premise of this blog, that you ARE responsible for what ever feelings and behaviors you have, even if you cannot directly see how this could be so. Most feelings and behaviors that "happen" to you are conditioned responses, and somewhere, unconsciously, you have been conditioned to feel or behave in a certain way when you are stimulated in a certain way. Perhaps when your father yelled at you as a child, you felt afraid, then angry. Once this has been set up as a conditioned response, like Pavlov's dogs salivating when they heard the bell announcing dinner, someone yelling at you will cause you to become afraid and then angry. Then there may be a behavior you choose to deal with being angry.

It seems like these emotions are caused by the yelling. They are not. They are triggered by the yelling perhaps, these emotions are caused by the conditioned response set up in you by your past. Break the conditioned response and you might have a completely different feeling followed by a completely different behavior.

If the only yelling you had ever heard was Ricky yelling at Lucy or Fred at Ethel, you might have a conditioned response to laugh every time you heard yelling. Same yelling, different conditioning.

Therapists often describe this phenomenon of exhibiting a certain feeling as a conditioned response due to childhood trauma going into a regressed state. This means someone yells at you now, but you feel like a powerless child even though you are now a much more powerful adult. Again, this is a conditioned response, and the yelling is not causing the feeling, it is merely triggering it.

How can you tell the difference between something that is causing something and something that is triggering something?

This is important - If there is more than one possible response, if different people respond in different ways, the stimulus is a trigger. If there is only one possible response, the stimulus is a cause. Pouring water over your head will get your head wet. The water causes the wetness. Everyone who has the water poured over their head will get wet. Yelling at someone could cause anger, laughter, disinterest, puzzlement, fear, or any number of other reactions, depending on the situation, and the conditioned responses of the person being yelled at. Yelling is a trigger, not a cause.

Even though yelling may make you angry, just knowing that it is triggering some conditioned response in you is a start in taking responsibility for what is happening, and will move you toward being able to break the conditioned response and make a different choice.

There are many ways to become Conscious and break the chain of automatic conditioned responses, but that’s a subject for another blog. A good therapist can help, an NLP practitioner can help, a behavioral or transpersonal psychologist can help, even tools such as Anthony Robbins books and tapes can help.

Effective growth and change means to be moving toward the point where each response you have to each event in your world is a choice. This means you can choose to do what is most resourceful for you, what makes you happiest, most peaceful, and most productive. As personal growth mentor Hyrum Smith (he’s a cousin of Stephen Covey and his “Franklin Reality Model” is widely used in prisons) says, what “meets your needs over time”. As long as you are an automatic response mechanism, you cannot do this and you are at the whim of events and people around you, which would be find if everyone was normal and rational, like you. Fat chance of that!

Until you firmly acknowledge that every feeling and every behavior is coming from you, regardless of what stimuli are coming at you from the world, you cannot make any progress toward this goal.

To be able to choose how to feel, to choose the state you are in at any given time, and to choose how you behave, and do all of this so as to be the most resourceful human being you can be in any given moment, is one of the major components of freedom, and is very worth working toward.

One of the easiest techniques for developing a sense of this is to learn to use the "Witness" part of you that is able to objectively pay attention to everything without being emotionally involved. This is sometimes called expanded awareness, and it allows you to see your conditioned responses for what they are. I’ll talk more about this in another blog.

Our culture has gravitated toward the popularization of victimhood over the past several decades. No one is responsible for anything that happens to them. Smokers are not responsible for getting lung cancer, shooters of guns are not responsible for firing them, burglars even sue homeowners for injuring themselves while breaking into a house. Criminals are not responsible for crimes they commit because they had an unhappy childhood, or were under the influence of drugs. Battering husbands (or wives) are not responsible for beating their spouses because the other made them angry, or did such and such to them. These are the more extreme cases, but you can, I'm sure, fill in the details from your own
life, if you are honest.

At the same time, it is so easy to say "I can't do ____. I have (traumatic stress disorder, ADD, a cold, alcoholism, no money, don't read well, my father was distant, my mother was smothering, I grew up in the inner city, I grew up in the country, blah, blah, blah). In this popularization of victimhood, there is an underlying presupposition that it is somehow easier to be a victim, and that taking responsibility would be onerous, difficult, a struggle, too much work.

I am here to tell you that it is being a victim that is onerous, difficult, a struggle, and too much work. Being responsible for everything that happens and for every feeling and behavior is the easy way to live. It is the way to happiness, to inner peace, and to a productive life. It is a way to end all the dramas in your life.

Consider it… you may not be able to change many circumstances in your life, but you can change your thinking about those circumstances to quote Robert Frost, “…and that has made all the difference.”

Principle 4 - The Map is Not the Territory

Dateline: Portland, Oregon – the wonderful city that I now call home – has changed a lot over the past twenty-two years I have lived here. I remember in the spring of 1988, I was in the seminary at Mount Angel and weekends when I came up to Portland to play music at a church, I would house sit for a wonderful mansion in the Southwest Hills. I wanted to have a bar-b-cue for some friends from my seminary, so I wrote out directions to the Greenleaf mansion and photo-copied them. I recently found an old copy of those directions and reading them in 2010, was amazed how many of the landmarks I referred to were either gone or dramatically changed.

Times change. People change. Places change. So, maps that were created years ago are no longer applicable or really helpful in navigating our way through life now. But many of us are very attached to our maps, even if they are no longer helpful, or get us where we want to go.

If you took in all the stimulus input available to you, it would be overwhelming. There's just too much of it, so you have to filter it. Similarly, if you took into account all the connections that make up who you are, it would be too much, since ultimately you are connected to everything.

So, to get yourself through life without going bonkers, you create an internal map of reality you can refer to as you navigate through life. Just as with a road map, this map is a scaled-down version of reality. But just as with a road map, it doesn't show everything (how could it?), and in some ways it isn't a very good representation of reality. There are no Safeway stores on Rand McNally maps. You can't go camping on the little triangles that represent mountains. And you can't get wet or go water skiing in the blue splotches that represent lakes.

The map is not the territory. It's not meant to be. It's just a representation of reality. [Bill Harris]

Now, if the territory changes, you are going to need a new map. If you're driving along and the road ends because of a new shopping center but the map says the road goes through, it might be time to get a new map (or GPS navigation system for the more technically sophisticated of you…)

Or, if the old map was created based on crude technology that could not create a really accurate map, and new technology, such as aerial photography, becomes available, you might want to get a new map. Otherwise, your ability to navigate correctly might be affected.

Similarly, we all create a map of reality as we are growing up. Without it, we would have to figure out what a door is and how to open it each time we came to one, or re-learn how to relate to people every time we met a new person. And beyond these simple examples, this map contains countless beliefs, values, generalizations, decisions, and many other internal mental aspects of how we see ourselves and our relationship to the rest of the universe.

Sometimes this map is referred to as the Ego. It is our internal representation of Reality, and it is very useful, in the same way a road map is useful.

The closer to Reality our map can be without being unwieldy, the better it functions. However, if we grow up with trauma or abuse, or if the picture of reality we received in our family situation only works in our family but isn't that useful or accurate when we go out into the world on our own, we may have trouble. If sharing vulnerable feelings is not part of our map, for instance, we may have trouble being intimate with others and may feel lonely and isolated. If our map emphasizes resisting what we don't like about the world, we may end up mired in constant struggle and suffering. If our map tells us we better watch out or other people will hurt us (not realizing that some will and others may not), we may miss out on many beautiful parts of life.

What may have functioned very well to keep us safe as children, may no longer be applicable as adults. Our internal voice, like the robot in “Lost in Space” says “Danger, Danger…” where no actual danger exists – because it’s responding to stimuli which was there at one time, but no longer exists. This is like going ten miles out of your way now, because a bridge didn’t exist when your map was made. Not helpful at all.

Let me give you an example. You’re a guy (just go with me on this). You're maybe 13. Junior High. At a dance. Your friends dare you to go and ask the pretty girl across the room to dance. Lots of peer pressure here. You do. She turns you down. You slither back to your friends in shame. End of episode.

But not really – years later, you’re 40, or 45 or whatever – and you have this inner resistance to taking a risk and asking someone you find attractive out for dinner, or coffee or whatever. Even the thought of it creates butterflies (or worse) in your stomach. Instead of asking, you retreat. What’s happened? You’re working on the map created when you were 13, which was fine and kept you safe at 13 – but is no longer helpful or effective at 45.

This dynamic is repeated hundreds of times daily in our lives in little ways, and in big ways. We respond to threats or “roadblocks” or speedbumps that no longer exist as if they were real, because of our outdated map of reality. Yikes!

Your map of reality, in addition to being an aid to navigation, is also a blueprint your mind uses to create your life. If there are riches in your life, or poverty, or happiness, or adventure, or suffering – or anything -- it comes from your mind creating your experience based on your map. If you grew up thinking scarcity was the norm, your current although outdated map will reflect that. If you grew up in a generous, abundant family – your current map will reflect that. Input in. Input out.

Your mind doesn't say "Whoa. Wait a minute. This map is not very accurate and it's creating a lot of suffering." It just says "Okay. I see. Create this...and this...and this...and this." It doesn't care what the map is, or whether it's a happy or unhappy map. It's just a faithful creator, creating your life based on what the map says.

As people grow up and find various ways their map does not serve them, those who are more conscious seek to change or improve the map (the unconscious just blame the world for not being like their map without realizing that the map is just something made up as an aid to navigating through the real world).

Approaches to personal change that are effective, then, bring about changes in this map of reality. And here is where the trouble starts for those of us seeking personal growth.

In order for a new and better map to replace the one that isn't serving you very well, there has to be an interim period where the old map goes into temporary chaos, breaks down, and then is replaced by a new one that more accurately reflects reality and more resourcefully allows you to be happy, creative, and spiritually connected to other people. (See yesterday’s blog). If you choose to make the journey to happiness, inner peace, enlightenment, oneness with God, or whatever you want to call it, you will go through many maps, each one better and more accurate -- and more useful in creating a happy life.

As this process happens, there is an ironic tendency to try to protect the old map (your concept of who you are and how you relate to the rest of the universe) when you go into this initial chaos stage of growth, where you begin to notice the old map isn't working so well. This attempt to hold the old map together comes from (alert! alert! - here's the really important point) the mistaken idea that this map is who you are - that "the map is the territory" - rather than a convenient tool used to navigate through life.

In other words, we create this map (or rather it is created for us by our parents, our teachers, the media, and society in general), and then we FORGET that it's just a map and instead think it's who we are.

This map (as I mentioned already called the ego by western psychology) is your CONCEPT of who you are and what your relationship is to the rest of the universe. It is the limitations of this map (its inability to adequately "map the territory" or otherwise deal with the situation one is in – that creates the "over-threshold" experience and the resulting dysfunctional feelings and behaviors (i.e., suffering) I've discussed in the blogs dealing with the 1st and 2nd Principles.

Therefore, letting the map go through the evolutionary process of going into chaos temporarily and reorganizing at a higher level results in relief from the problems and limitations of the old map, and gives you a new ability to deal with what was previously stressful or overwhelming.

In other words, getting a new map is the secret of growth, yet we fight it because we think we are the old map!

So the main impediment to positive change comes from the mistaken belief that this map is who we are rather than a handy representation of who we are. Believing this, it's no wonder that, when the map begins to fall apart in preparation for the creation of a new and better one, we think "Oh my God! I'm falling apart!" Since we think we are what is falling apart, we do everything we can to hold the old map together, to resist the chaos/reorganization process. This is where all the dysfunctional feelings and behaviors and all the sufferings we put ourselves through come from. Fear, depression, anger, anxiety, substance abuse, psychosis, bi-polar disorder, multiple personalities, ADD, many physical diseases, traumatic stress disorder, and a whole lot more, are all ways we humans have come up with to try to fight off the death of the old map and the birth of the new.

But what if we said: "Great! My old map of reality, which isn't working that well anyway, and has a number of deficiencies that cause me all kinds of suffering, is falling apart. That means I'll soon have a new map that works much better and allows me to be happier and more peaceful inside." In that case, we would just stand aside and let the process complete itself -- and save ourselves a lot of trouble and suffering.

It is very helpful, then, to learn and recognize when this process is happening, to learn and recognize your favorite methods of trying to save the old map at these times, and to learn how to let what is happening be okay (Principle 1) -- instead of trying to save something that isn't helpful to you anyway.

So know that you are not your ego, your concept of yourself, your map of reality. It's just a map, and if it goes into chaos it is part of the process of positive change and the prelude to a better and more functional map. Can I hear an "Amen?!"

The map is not the territory, and you are not your map, so when the old map falls apart, you will still be there, ready to receive a new map and to be much better off and much happier. How’s that working for you?

Principle 3 - Chaos and Reorganization

(Alternative Title…) I love Chaos and why you should too…

Have you ever felt that some part of your life was in chaos? Have you ever felt that you were in chaos? I thought so. What if you knew that chaos was your friend? What if the chaotic moments and situations of life - sometimes your most stressful moments - turned out to be huge opportunities – and you actually knew how to make use of them? Would that change things?

What if, in fact, chaos turned out to be the best thing that could happen to you?

I know. Hard to believe. Chaos feels like the plague, doesn’t it? But what if you discovered that it doesn’t feel like the plague because it is the plague, but because of how you are responding to it. Perhaps there is a way to respond to it that changes it from something plague-like to something more like a diamond, or a pile of gold. Perhaps. Chaos is certainly a good description of what happens when you’re pushed over your threshold (yesterday’s Principle 2.) But remember that being pushed over your threshold is part of a process by which your threshold is raised higher — which is a very good thing.

This sudden shift, this sudden transformation, has been called the “Ah ha!” moment. It could be called a flash of insight, creativity, having a brainstorm, turning on a light bulb in the brain, a felt shift, wordless knowing, a gut feeling, intuition, or by many other names. Whatever you call it, it’s a feeling that something in the brain has been rearranged in a new way, that something old has passed away, and something new has been born.

Your brain simply says, “A Ha!” and a number of very interesting things happen in the brain those times. Why do some stimuli have such a transforming effect? And why is the effect often so different on different people? Why do some stimuli lead to new and higher perspectives, while others lead to disorder and destruction?

In fact, this principle may just be (in disguise) a description of how God operates in the universe.

The short version – think of weight lifting – muscles have to tear so that newer, stronger muscles can replace them – or in other terms , muscles are being reorganized at a higher level of functioning…This applies to emotional weight lifting too. Our emotional muscles (or emotions) sometimes get frayed, or torn for one reason or another, and when things sort out (and they always do), we are stronger, better, more resilient people. What’s the old saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…” This is Principle 3 at work.

When we resist the chaos, and say “this shouldn’t happen,” blah, blah, blah, we delay the inevitable and stunt our growth. Not fun because this causes suffering, and not helpful because we’re really swimming upstream. No fun there. Again - Principle 3.

So its pretty obvious that we tend to resist chaos. In fact, we tend to freak out when the chaos gets to be too great. There are really three ways people resist chaos. Imagine that you are in a boat out on the ocean, and the boat starts to fill up with water. If you don’t do something, the boat is going to sink, and it’s a long way to dry land. What would you do?

Some people would grab a bucket and bail like crazy. The bailers are those who, when the input exceeds the system’s established comfort zone frantically try to cool off. They get angry. They cry. They yell. They might exercise compulsively. They might have sex. They feel compelled to do something, anything. The whole idea is to push cool the room as fast as possible, so they can get comfortable again.

Some people, though, say, “No, no, no. I’d find the hole and plug it.” These are the people who want to shut off the input, to keep more heat from coming in. These people isolate themselves in order to minimize input. They shut down. They might get depressed. In depression, in addition to wanting to isolate ourselves, we also breathe less, so as to take in less air, we constrict the pupils of our eyes, so as to take in less light, and we lose our appetite, so as to take in less food. In depression, everything is about keeping more input from the outside from entering the inside.

The third method is to distract yourself—by getting high, by zoning out in front of the TV, by becoming absorbed in something that takes your mind off the fact that you’re overwhelmed by too much input, that you’re over your threshold.

The third method, distracting yourself, really doesn’t work at all, though, unless you use it in conjunction with one of the other two, which is what most people do. Method number three is like Nero fiddling while Rome burns. In my experience, most people use method one or method two as their primary method, with the other as a backup. They get angry, for instance (method one) and if pushed further, they eventually get depressed. Or, they get depressed first, and if that doesn’t work, if the overwhelm continues, they eventually get angry. Of course, very often, people use method number three along with one of the other two in order to distract themselves from the chaos they are experiencing.

One of the fundamental principles here is that everything constantly changes. This is what’s behind Buddha’s explanation of human suffering and how to end it, his Four Noble Truths. People suffer because in the world of the mind everything changes, everything comes into being and passes away, and we resist that fact. The process I’ve described here is how this process of constant change happens. Either things reorganize at a higher level, or they die and pass away. Even when something reorganizes at a higher level, in that process the old passes away, and the new comes into being. Resisting the fact that this is what happens, over and over, is what causes your suffering. So stop the suffering - it's crazy!

So here are some practical things you can do. First of all, recognize when your map of reality is beginning to become chaotic. This is really the same as noticing when you are approaching and reaching your threshold. Get to the point where when the chaos begins to build, you can say to yourself, “Ah, I’m moving toward my threshold, I can feel the internal chaos.” Noticing is the first step. Amazingly, most people do not notice when they are approaching their threshold, but you can learn to notice this, if you just decide you’re going to.

This is what conscious awareness is all about. It isn’t something metaphysical. It’s something very matter-of-fact. This is one reason Buddhists say, “Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.” Just learn how your particular system operates. You should always be familiar with the owners manual anyway.

The next step is to become aware of what you typically do when you’re pushed over your threshold. Do you try to push energy out? Do you block more from coming in? Do you distract yourself? Or do you do a combination of these?

Find out. Watch what you do. Instead of just automatically doing whatever you’ve been doing all your life, pay attention. If you’re going to use one of these three methods of dealing with overwhelm, at least do it with awareness.

Pretty much anything active that you do as a response to feeling the building chaos qualifies as a coping behavior, from pitching a fit all the way to drumming your fingers or dermotillamania. It doesn’t matter whether it’s something considered to be healthy or unhealthy, either. It’s just what you do.

And, any way that you try to block more input from coming in, whether it’s depression and isolation, wanting to shut out light or sounds, or not wanting any more information about something, as long as it is a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, qualifies. Don’t judge it – just be aware of it.

One more thing. You aren’t doing something wrong just because you engage in some sort of activity when you become overwhelmed, or that you’re doing something wrong when you want less input, or that you’re wrong for distracting yourself. This isn’t about being wrong. Allow yourself to be human. I just want you to be aware of what you do. Just watch yourself do whatever you do. Live with awareness instead of automatically doing the same thing over and over, unconsciously and automatically.

Finally, when you feel the overwhelm building, when you feel the chaos happening, step back and say to yourself, “Ah ha. The old system can’t handle what’s happening, and if I just leave it alone and watch, if I step back and don’t try to save the old system, it will probably reorganize in a new way, and many of the problems of the old system will be solved.” Then, just watch the process with awe and curiosity, knowing that you’re watching God in action.

If anyone is interested I have a much longer version of this information with all kinds of cool scientific terms and studies about chaos and chaos theory. The laws of thermodynamics, entropy, dissipated energy, etc. Let me know and I’ll either post it or email you a copy. It’s very cool stuff, but the detailed description isn’t considered “light reading…” Helpful to know though if you’re interested in details.

How cool is that? – Principle 4 continued tomorrow.

Principle 2 – The Principle of Threshold

A few years back while working with some of Gordon Graham’s Breaking Barriers material, I came across a concept I really liked – the concept of “comfort zones” – he spoke of our consciousness being like an automatic thermostat. When it gets warm, the air-conditioning turns on – cooler, and the heating is triggered. In the middle is our “comfort zone”, that place where we are managing life and generally doing OK.

Some people have very wide comfort zones – in psychological terms we might call that resiliency. Those people can handle a lot and nothing much phases them. Others have very narrow comfort zones, the slightest bump or challenging circumstance will send them into a tizzy. Drama is the norm for them rather than the exception.

The triggering of the cooling or heating systems (at either end of our comfort zone) is called “coping behavior” – and our coping behaviors come in a wide range of flavors. Eating, alcohol, drugs, smoking, exercise (I wouldn’t mind cultivating that one…but it’s too late now). Eating is my coping drug of choice. I’m lucky…

“When I get stressed I…” is a great sentence to finish for ourselves in that it helps us understand best how we work, and why we sometimes find ourselves repeating the same kinds of unhelpful behavior over and over, even when we “know better”. So, our mind processes a challenge, or difficulty, or stress, and our coping behavior kicks in.

Then, if one of those coping behaviors is extreme, unhelpful (drugs, alcohol, smoking for example) and possibly addictive – we might want to change or drop that behavior but, time after time, we have found ourselves unsuccessful at eliminating the behavior from our life. Here’s a thought as to why…

We’re focusing on the behavior, not the triggers. Our solution doesn’t come with trying to eliminate or focus on our coping behaviors, once set we will pretty much use whatever coping behavior has worked for us in the past when we reach our stress threshold – Dr. Phil writes, “Life is managed, not cured.” People who are alcoholics will always be alcoholics – but the alcoholism can be managed. We have to know and believe that. Our solution comes from working to increase our comfort zone range so it becomes harder and harder to trigger those coping behaviors. Like learning anger management techniques, so it becomes more difficult to reach the frustration level where frustration erupts into anger…

So – framed a slightly different way - every person has a personal threshold for what they can handle coming at them from their environment, based on their personal map of reality. When a person’s map (their concept of who they are and how they relate to the rest of the universe) cannot handle its environment, stress is created and the person begins to deal with that stress by exhibiting various coping mechanisms or strategies - learned, developed during childhood. That’s right – we learn these coping behaviors early in life, mostly from the role models and care-givers we are entrusted to. Parents take note. Your kids are watching how you handle stuff and learning themselves how to do it based on your example. A scary thought!

Aside from the coping behaviors mentioned above, we can include anger, depression, anxiety, fear (and greater and lesser degrees of these), isolation, and thousands of others. You know what yours are…and it’s helpful to surface them to conscious attention. “Am I hungry, or am I really stressed” is a question I might ask myself a thousand times a day…

All dysfunctional feelings and behaviors are really coping mechanisms designed to deal with the stress of being pushed past this threshold, and therefore the “cure" for dysfunctional feelings and behaviors is to raise that threshold. [Bill Harris]

Dysfunctional feelings and behaviors are not caused by the environment or other people regardless of how it seems. People with a high threshold for what they can handle coming at them from the world remain happy, peaceful, and centered even when they are around difficult people or in difficult situations. When people suffer trauma in their childhood, this threshold does not mature in the same way it would have had the trauma not happened. These people have a lower threshold than "normal" people who did not experience any trauma, or who did not have as much. This means interaction with their environment pushes them past their threshold (which is lower) much more easily, and they are caught in dysfunctional feelings and behaviors more often.

My personal favorite method for increasing one’s threshold, or comfort zone is meditation. It is the goal of meditation to raise one’s threshold, which then causes dysfunctional feelings and behaviors to gradually disappear, because the threshold eventually becomes so high very little can cause a person to be pushed beyond the point where these feelings and behaviors are triggered. Meditation can be practiced anywhere, by anyone. Consider how the Principle of Threshold effects your life…consider that if you have something you want to change, it is certainly possible for you to do it – focus on creating resiliency… and watch the episodes of negative or dysfunctional coping behavior fade away…

Principle 1 - Letting Whatever Happens Be OK

Over the next few days I want to write about some filters I have found to be very useful. These come from a series called "The Nine Principles of Conscious Living", a class series I have used in various places ranging from adult education in churches to prisons and recovery centers. The original Nine Principles was written and compiled by Bill Harris, founder and director of the Centerpointe Research Institute.

The Principle of "Letting Whatever Happens Be Okay"


Most of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid suffering. We dislike the feelings of discomfort - and we really don't want to be miserable. Nothing really newsworthy there...

So consider this - the amount any of us suffers in our life is directly related to how much we are resisting the fact that "things are the way they are." If there is suffering or discomfort, there is resistance. Those two go together like peanut butter and jelly.

A few years ago I worked for a small company where six or seven of us worked together in a small building. I'm a bit of a tidy freak (perhaps an understatement) and so if I was feeling anxious or bored, I'd go around and straighten up the desks of my co-workers. Amazingly, people found that offensive! Who'd of thought? So, it finally reached the point where they spoke to the boss and the boss called me into his office for a chat about it...

Bill (the boss) has been one of the major (positive) influences in my life - and always had a really positive and insightful take on things.

"So," he said, "I understand that you have a need to have things look orderly and tidy. I'd like you to consider upgrading your need for order, to a preference for order. Then, while you prefer things to be tidy, or orderly, if they're not, you won't suffer as much."

Something about the way he put that clicked with me and the lightbulbs went off. "Ah ha," I thought. A preference rather than a need. Powerful. And a shift happened.

Addictions or attachments to things being different than they are can be upgraded to preferences, so when "what is" is not what you want it to be, you do not suffer over it and your happiness and peace are therefore not controlled by forces outside of your control. 
Powerful. You might want to read this paragraph a second time...the principle can change your life.

To the degree a person is willing and able to let whatever happens be okay, they do not suffer. People with many rules about how things are suppose to be suffer more because no matter how much care they take to protect their rules and see that they and the world follows their rules, these rules are often going to be violated. This does not mean a person cannot be goal oriented and work toward making things they way they want; however, the emotionally healthy person prefers the outcomes they seek rather than being addicted to them.

The key, then, to handling challenging situations, thoughts, and feelings is not in resisting them, but rather becoming as fully accepting of them as possible. Accept what happens to you and what you think and feel, even if it is uncomfortable. Though it looks as if the discomfort is created by the thing we are resisting, in actual fact the discomfort we feel is 98-99% from our resistance to it and only 1-2% from the thing itself. When we stop resisting, the discomfort stops also. Through acceptance, you empower yourself to heal, transform, or release any unresolved mental or emotional material. When you sense resistance, meet it with acceptance. Ironically, once you stop resisting, you are much more effective in creating any external change you may have a preference for (and not an attachment to). 



The opportunities for applications for this principle are as numerous as Facebook friends. Once something has happened, wishing it hadn't happened serves no useful purpose. Yet many of us spend HOURS daily running our "this shouldn't have happened", or "that shouldn't have happened" and feeling bad about it. Well, it did and since it's past - there's nothing we can do about it. Sound simple? It is.

All of us have stuff in our lives we wish could be otherwise, or things we regret having said or done. That's OK, but to constantly spend our time beating ourselves up about it, or to feel frustrated (or worse) about the unfairness of it all is a total and complete waste of our time, and really keeps us from devoting any serious energy to fixing things so that there won't be a next time.

"Letting whatever happens be OK" doesn't mean we have to like everything that happens - it just means we have to release it, and acknowledge that there is nothing we can do to change or alter the past. It's done. We can move on. "Letting whatever happens be OK" doesn't mean we don't need to work, and sometimes work hard, to create changes in the future. The main value is just in knowing, really knowing, that no matter how much we think things should have been different (notice the past tense), they weren't.

A regular practice of this principle will change your life, no matter what your circumstances. Today, try it for short periods. If someone cuts you off in traffic, or does something you didn't like, don't think "That shouldn't have happened." or "That was unfair." Just think, "Wow, that happened - my preference would have been that it didn't, but since it did - OK. Time to move on."

Be aware of any shift in how you get through your day. I bet you'll notice a difference.

(Continued tomorrow...)

Attraction from the Inside Out...

I will admit to being confused sometimes at the people I find most attractive. What amazes me is the seeming lack of consistency - there's no one particular personality or physical type that really gets me excited - although if I look closely, I have found clues to a common theme. More about that in a minute.

Recently I read this:

"The universal Law of Attraction states that we draw to us those people, events, and circumstances that match our inner state of being. In other words, we attract experiences that are consistent with our beliefs. If we believe that there is plenty of love in the world and we are worthy of giving and receiving that love, we will attract a different quality of relationships than someone who believes in scarcity or feels unworthy of happiness. If we believe the world is a loving and friendly place, then most of the time that will be our experience. If we believe the world is a chaotic, stressful, and fearful place, then eventually that will become our reality. So, believing and knowing that your soulmate is out there is a critical first step in the formula for manifesting him or her into your life." [Arielle Ford]

Well, dang it, that just makes so much sense. We mirror on the outside what we feel on the inside - and so the key to figuring out where the patterns come from in our relationship is found in our level of self-awareness.

Are my feelings chaotic, frustrated, focused on how "unworthy" I am? Do I focus on what I don't have rather than what I do? It all depends (and sometimes I have to remind myself that I sound like a broken record) on our worldview and our attitude. What we get is based on what we put out - and both what we get and what we put out are based on the status of our inner life.

So what can we do to clean this up? The answer, as it is with everything, is work to become more conscious. That's my magic bullet - consciousness. The awareness of ourselves and our maps, awareness of what kind of filters we use to view the world in a way not unlike awareness of the color of our sunglass lenses.

If we're not happy with our the external circumstances of our lives, perhaps it would be helpful to examine what beliefs and filters we are using to manifest and create whatever is happening. Not enough money? Unfulfilling relationships? Unsatisfying job or "career"? These are all external manifestations of our internal state. If we want to change our circumstances, we have to change the thinking that creates those circumstances.

There's a great AA/NA saying, "Think what you always think, and you'll get what you always got." Yet we continue thinking the same limiting thoughts, working in the same state of being miserable as our "set point" day in and day out.

Want to try something different? For the next nine days I am going to review some material I've used in a class series I taught called "Nine Principles of Conscious Living". Stay tuned.

Self-Talk - The Power of Language

I’D LIKE YOU to read the following quote from the amazing author and teacher Louise Hay:

"Every thought you think and every word you say is an affirmation for your future."

Language is a critical function - and we can learn a lot about ourselves by becoming conscious of how we use (and mis-use) it. With a little practice we can become conscious of how our language serves to empower us or dis-empower ourselves.

Spend a minute thinking about your words. Really think about them. If each of us spent one entire day noticing our thoughts and words, chances are we'd be a little concerned about the the present we're living in and the future we're creating. For most people, negative thinking and talking is a way of life. It doesn't have to be.

Each time we open our mouth to utter anything, we affirm who we are. We also affirm the nature of our relationship with others. We define our role in relationships, delineate specifics we don't even dream about. Sadly, much of what we do disempowers us as people - and limits our capacity to see ourselves as strong, independent and powerful.

We make affirmations about our relationships that confine us to what we have known in the past. Instead of referring to "Steve", we'll say, "My husband," or "My friend" - and the possessive we use is indicative of our need to control and maintain. We aren't even usually aware of it, as it's become so much a fixture of our language and culture.

"Wait until Daddy comes home..." is innocent enough if you're eight. If you're thirty, something else is going on in this relationship. When married couples refer to each other as "Mommy" and "Daddy", there are some interesting relationship dynamics going on behind the scenes or below the level of conscious awareness. Should you change it? Not necessarily, but it's helpful to become conscious of it. Are you really in a relationship with your Daddy? Could that be why things aren't really working for you - (in psychological terms it's called "projection") - or, perhaps, why things ARE working?


As you become more and more aware of the structure of your language, both the words you use to speak to others, and equally important, the words you use to speak to yourself, you begin to see evidence that your thoughts really do have power. Most important, the power to create change in your life. To move from towards a place of confidence, control and self-awareness.

You begin to develop an unbendable faith in the power of your thoughts to direct the course of your life. As a result, you no longer feel like a victim to outside forces. You remember who's in the driver's seat. That would be YOU.

Two years ago I stepped up my commitment to use affirmations by spending my mornings writing, reading, and imagining them coming to life. It's made an enormous difference in the quality of each day and I know it will for you, too.

There are a ton of affirmations you can use - in future blogs i'll explore some of these. For today, just consider this.

I am complete and whole - I don't need anyone or anything else to "complete me."

Just for today I'm going to be happy with me.

Happiness is my Decision...TODAY

Mary Mannin Morrissey, the former super-star pastor of Portland's now defunct Living Enrichment Center is great at staying in contact. True, much of it is marketing for her coaching program, or other products offered by her current business endeavor - but in providing value for compensation, I think she's tops.

Much of Mary's shtick is based on her awareness of how important it is to know that our NOW is a self-creation. It comes to us blank, unformatted, like a new out-of-the-case CD. What we write on it is entirely of our own making. Mary is also an adept at creating the space where we can plan to be happy...we set the tone for any particular day or time-frame by visioning what we want, and then opening ourselves to the space where it's happening. We filter out the stuff that isn't relevant to us, keeping only what we need to grow.

Sometimes, what we need to grow are the challenging moments. There are plenty available for us to use, heavens knows, but they are small components of our whole, not the whole itself. Important distinction.

I received an email the other day from Mary's marketing machine reminding me again of how important it is to plan to be happy. OK - I know this - Happiness begins with a decision— a recognition, a choice. Check out this little story...

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, one of the staff members provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

“I love it,” he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait!!”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” he replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged. It’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away. Just for this time in my life.”

What a powerful attitude this is. Why not start building your happy memories today by choosing to be happy. Take charge of your thoughts today. It’s not your mind if you allow anyone and any media to fill it indiscriminately. It’s not your choice if you’re choosing between the options programmed for you to choose between. It’s past time to become the programmer of your own mind. To own happiness you must first get beyond all those negative thoughts and feelings that have been foisted upon you as a part and parcel of your enculturation.

Begin today by finding the good in all if it requires saying to yourself, “I can’t wait to see what good comes from this.” There will always be something good to be gained. I promise you. Hold onto that gratitude attitude. Let your attitude be infectious. Help another and the speed by which happiness arrives will be accelerated.

Do a good deed every day and you will glue that happiness to you. Random acts of kindness and beauty...today your mission is to create one of each - even better, do it with the power of your mind alone.

Shake it Off and Step up...

In the Life Coaching work I love to do with people, occasionally someone asks me "really deep questions" (different from the more common question of "what can I do to make more money" - which gets old after a while, since your income isn't about your "doing" anything, as much as it's about who you're "being", but hey - that's why they pay me...)about dealing with all the different crap life throws at you. I like to use this story as a starting point for our conversation.

Shake It Off And Step Up (Author Unknown)

A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells.

After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow.

"Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.

THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...The adversities that come along to bury us also offer us the possibility of helping and blessing us. Remember that forgiveness, hope and positive re-framing...all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!

It's hard when we find ourselves in the midst of a crisis to step outside, be a witness of what's happening (to us) and gain a little wider perspective. This is a great skill to cultivate, and a great affirmation to use daily. "Whatever is happening to me now has a greater purpose and value. I can learn and grow from it."

Today I choose growth over self-pity or doubt.

It's a Dog's Life, (or Could be if you were' wise!)

I found this online and think it came from Alan Cohen's little book, "Are You as Happy As Your Dog" - so will attribute it to him.

If A Dog Were Your Teacher [Alan Cohen]

These are some of the lessons you might learn...

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face
to be pure ecstasy

When it's in your best interest practice obedience

Let others know when they've invaded your territory

Take naps and stretch before rising

Run romp and play daily

Thrive on attention and let people touch you
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do

On warm days stop to lie on your back on the grass
On hot days drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree

When you're happy dance around and wag your entire body

No matter how often you're scolded don't buy into the guilt thing and pout run right back and make friends

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm - Stop when you have had enough

Be loyal

Never pretend to be something you're not

If what you want lies buried dig until you find it

When someone is having a bad day be silent...sit close by...and nuzzle them gently.

Really these are the best words for living anyone could offer. Consider the possibilities...treat yourself well. Start today. Enjoy!

Re-Parenting my Inner Child

If I don't Love Myself, who will?

"We teach people how to treat us." (Dr. Phil's 10 Life Laws)

First, let me make the distinction between loving oneself and being in love with oneself. Loving oneself means that we treat ourselves with respect, and create an atmosphere of respect and boundaries that supports and encourages other people to do the same. Being IN love with ourselves means that we are infatuated with our image and can only see the up side of whatever we do. We're legends in our own minds. OK. Clear on the distinction?


Many of us don't treat ourselves very well. We break promises to ourselves, eat poorly, don’t get enough sleep, are self-critical, or fail to take good care of our bodies. (Me; top of the list, guilty as charged). In fact, if we treated others the way we treat ourselves, it would be a pretty lonely existence.

One technique for treating ourselves better is by developing our Inner Nurturing Parent. This is a little trickier than it might seem, because we really can't model this parent after our own parents (at least in many cases) so we have to go on composites of the models of parenting we've seen on TV, or in the media. Sort of a cross between "Leave-it-to-Beaver" and and the Huxtable family on "The Cosby Show".

So, with the power of visualization, we can visualize ourselves with the wisdom and insight of the aforementioned TV Sit-Coms, and commence to re-parenting ourselves.

Imagine you had a little child in your care. You’d make every effort to keep her healthy and safe; to love and support her; to be forgiving of her mistakes, her inevitable slips; and to let her know how precious and important she is. That’s what a loving parent does. Only, in this case, you’re both the parent and the child. Below are seven ways to strengthen your own Inner Nurturing Parent, and turn the goal of treating yourself better into daily, living action.

Every day I ask myself "How can I be a better parent?" I don't want to focus unnecessarily on my the parenting patterns I learned as a child, some of which were effective and some less so, although occasionally it's helpful to understand how we've created the "maps" that guide us today so that we can be more efficient at un-creating the ones which limit us. But better to focus our efforts on the present, and how we are creating our future - than stuff in the distant past.

"How Can I be a better parent (to myself)?"

I can send loving messages to myself. Affirmations are very powerful, and we fill our conscious waking with enough negative ones.

I can tell myself, “I love you and appreciate who you are.” Who I am now, not who I think I should be after completing a long checklist of self-improvement tasks.

When I do something well, or nice, or kind, I can give myself a pat on the back. Say: “Great job! I’m so proud of you.” When I'm struggling or feeling low, be supportive by saying: “I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”

Take good (or at least better) care of myself. A loving parent makes sure you eat right and get plenty of rest, sleep, fresh air, and exercise. Keep yourself healthy and fit. Practicing good self-care is an essential part of this process.

Do nice things for myself. Get into the habit of doing special things - make a cup of tea with the nurturing energy that I'd have when preparing tea for someone I love. Visit the sauna, get a massage, or take a nice long shower or bath. Step away from the computer, turn it OFF, and read for an hour or so. These are little things - but they convey the message to your sub-conscious that you matter and you're of value.

Set healthy boundaries with others. It's OK if I say "no" once in a while. Let people know what I want and don’t want. Tell them what’s okay for me and what’s not. A nurturing parent wouldn’t let someone treat their child badly. A loving parent makes sure his or her child’s needs are met.

Become my own own advocate. If someone is disrespectful or hurtful, speak up. Tell them you don’t want to be spoken to that way. If someone was unkind, hostile, or verbally abusive to your child, you’d stand up for him. And sometimes, what we hear isn't what was said, so this is an opportunity to clarify. Often we respond to what we heard, (not what was said) for years...at our own loss and detriment.

Believe in myself. A nurturing parent would highlight my uniqueness, encourage me to build on my strengths, and support me in a loving, nonjudgmental way. A nurturing parent says: “You can do it.” “I believe in you.” Become your own strongest supporter, coach, and cheerleader. A nurturing parent also tells us we're wrong in a loving way - listen to our heart or intuition and it will do the same thing.

And lastly and most important: Be compassionate with myself. Have compassion for my humanity and flaws. I'm human and I'm going to make mistakes. Look at yourself through the eyes of a loving parent; don’t punish or criticize yourself. Accept yourself unconditionally.

When we learn how to fully show compassion to ourselves, we are ready to show it to everyone else - because inside, we're all little kids - looking for love, kindness and affirmation. What a blessing when we find it, and even more so when we are it's genuine manifestation.

We teach people how to treat us - well, badly or with indifference. Let's school them right...

Redefining the Spiritual

Though some spiritual experiences are profound, inconceivable and defy the limitations of written words - these are moments of ecstasy and illumination - other spiritual experiences are simple - moments of inspiration, a deep sense of hope, of peace, well-being, and the feeling of meaning or purpose. These momentary accesses to "thin spaces" are the warp and woof of daily life.

(Complete aside...I love the term "warp and woof", it comes from the threads in a woven fabric, comprised of the warp (threads running lengthwise) and woof (threads running crosswise) to create a the texture of the fabric)

These moments, or even seconds of connectedness form the very foundations of our lives and choices. Regardless of religious or faith tradition, regardless of our world view or perspective, spiritual experiences are essential to our health and a full experience of life. The secret lies in our allowing spiritual experiences, recognizing them, reflecting on them, and drawing their wisdom and peace into our daily lives.

Sometimes these moments won't fit our religious upbringing, or what we’ve been told to expect. Our response can simply be "So What?" None of us were born knowing how to run, talk, or dance, and yet with very little encouragement and an environment of support, all such expressions come easily. Opening ourselves to the plethora of spiritual experiences will come just as easily if we simply stop resisting. When we "let go and let God" (to use the AA bumper stick term) we can see and experience how deeply connected we really are.

It's helpful to start asking what spirituality means to us. The definitions are as diverse as there are people. For me it's teaching, or letting the music of the universe flow through me on the keyboards. Sometimes connecting with a laugh on Facebook, knowing that the other person is smiling too is a spiritual experience.

If something really gives you that energetic "connection" with the Universe you can authentically ask “Why can’t that be my spirituality?” I certainly affirm the value and importance of a religious community, but never at the exclusion of the direct connection to The Sacred. My pastor loves to ride her horse. I suspect thats a key building block of her spiritual life. We grow and learn by these experiences of living in our passion - and it allows us to relax enough that we are able to let down the walls that separates the Divine within us from the Divine around us. It's not frequent that this happens in church. Sad.

Another friend who rides horses shared with me some of the necessary qualities of riding:

“Focus yet relaxed; intent but flexible. You need to have firm boundaries regarding what you will let your horse get away with, and a great deal of compassion for them as well. It really doesn’t help to be distracted or get too far ahead of yourself. You need to be aware of the moment you are experiencing, with out fear. Horses sense fear.”

“Wow,” I thought. “It sounds like an amazing analysis of the dynamics of creating the space for a spiritual experience." What if those dynamics were applied to the other aspects of one's life? Wouldn't that create not just a spiritual experience, but a spiritual life as well?

Generally speaking, spiritual experiences are moments that transcend the ordinary mode of perception, meaning, and sensation. Spiritual experiences are typically absorbing, when we are involved in one we aren’t thinking about it. When we become self-aware of a spiritual experience it often causes it to change or end. Spiritual experiences are not necessarily of God or religious content, but they do typically connect you with a sense of relationship to something that defies or transcends the ordinary.

Strange as some such experiences may be, they frequently feel as “real” as any ordinary experience of day to day life. Intensity, sensation and emotion are usually altered in a very distinct or dramatic way. Different types of spiritual experience have different qualities and manners of seeing and feeling. In some spiritual experiences we have insights about our life path, in others we may encounter sacred beings, and in others we experience a Divine Presence so infinite and self-evident that we are instantly transformed.

Today, let's consider not limiting our spiritual experiences to a certain pre-defined model. Let's consider being open to the potential of all moments - and know that transformation is only a moment of relaxation away. Peace.

A Fisherman and a Banker

Here's a great story I liked, and should probably listen to. What did Richard Back write? "We teach best what we most need to learn."

The investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The fisherman replied, "Only a little while."

The banker then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The fisherman said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The banker then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take naps with my wife, Mary, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my buddies, I have a full and busy life."

The banker scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Los Angeles or New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the banker replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the fisherman.

The banker laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

The banker said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take naps with your wife, Mary, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your buddies."

So many of us live in that "someday when I'm secure" mentality where we wait, and wait - and wait some more for the time to be right to do what we love to do. Why is that?

How horrible would be be to actually be happy now? But I know, Oh the courage that takes. Think about it. Is waiting worth it?

We Are The Decent People

I read this on another blog and thought it was really worth reposting here:

We Are The Decent People
by Wilferd A. Peterson

We are the decent people of the world. We are in the majority, for men and women are essentially decent. We live in all nations, we live under all the flags that fly.

Decency is not determined by our economic status, our religion, the language we speak, the color of our skin, or the ideology under which we live. Human decency is a universal quality.

We, the decent people of the world, often have our voices drowned out by the shouts of leaders who misrepresent the things for which we stand.

We the decent people carry enough weight to tip the scale for decency if we will make ourselves heard...

We believe that war is the great indecency, that it kills and destroys all the higher sensibilities of man and leaves only death, suffering, and destruction in its wake.

We believe that this is a beautiful universe and that it is made for love and not for hate; for peace and not war; for freedom and not slavery; for order and not riot; for compassion and not violence; for happiness and not misery.

We believe that there is only one war to be waged in the name of human decency, and that is the war against all the common enemies of humans... hunger, disease, poverty, ignorance, crime and failure.

We believe that every child should have the chance to grow up in an atmosphere of faith, not of fear.

We believe that the ultimate decency is to help people and not harm them, to lift people and not degrade them, and to respect the dignity of all as individual human beings.

We the decent people of the world stand for the kind of life that will be good for all of the people, all of the time, everywhere."

Today in church we focused our service on learning a little about Islam - the reaction was overwhelmingly positive. I am so proud of our community - a wonderful family and really decent people.

Rocking With Me

There was once an elderly, despondent woman in a nursing home. She wouldn't speak to anyone or request anything. She merely existed - rocking in her creaky old rocking chair.

The woman didn't have many visitors. But every couple mornings, a concerned and wise young nurse would go into her room. She didn't try to speak or ask questions of the old lady. She simply pulled up another rocking chair beside the woman and rocked with her.

A couple of months later, the old woman finally spoke.

'Thank you,' she said. 'Thank you for rocking with me.'" (Author Unknown)

Sometimes being with people is all that is really needed. We are so fraught and concerned with all the hectic business of our lives that we neglect the simple things of simply being present.

So much stuff competes for our attention. The search for missing Kyron, the Gulf Oil Spill, the economy, who hates what and whom...it's media and information overload. It's not just all the information, but the energy it takes to sort through all the information, deciding what to read or look at next.

In the midst of that sometimes I forget to call my Mom just to say "Hi." I forget to go out on the back deck where there are some pretty flowers and enjoy them. I forget to just take a break from it all to "be".

Long ago I learned that my "being" wasn't contingent on my "doing". That without lifting a finger I still was. No about of items ticked off my "to do" list gave me greater meaning and purpose. So why the frantic pace to get things done? To accomplish and achieve? Why the stress?

Some of it I owe to the dynamic of being driven rather than called I'll talk more about at at another time, but the basics are that when we are "called" to do something, it really isn't work - we are being in tune with the River's current, so there's no real energy drain. The River is doing the work - and all we're responsible for is being present and going with the flow.

Being driven means that something in our map of reality is telling us that we "ought" to do this, or do that. There are expectations (ours or those of others)and the constant pressure to feel like we're meeting those expectations so as not to let anyone down.

I want to practice being more conscious of which dynamic I'm working with at any given moment. I want to be present to the moment, sit with it - rocking gently back and forth - listening to the squeaks of the floor, or the chair - and know that sometimes, just that being present is all it takes to create a really loving space for myself and possibly others. Just to tune in.

At the end of it all, if one friend says, "Thank you for rocking with me." It will have been time well spent.

Two Wolves

Native Cherokee Tale

A native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.

He said "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson, with his head bowed, thought about it for a long while. Finally, lifing his head and looking deep into his grandfather's eyes with concern, he slowly asked, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart, grandfather?

The grandfather answered: "The one I feed."

I have some friends on Facebook I really enjoy and value. True I haven't seen them in a while (does 45 years constitute "a while"?) and don't know them very well at this point, but we've been following each other - as Facebook Folk are wont to do, and many of the things they post are witty and entertaining.

Recently the "dark side" of life has been coming up - I know that people have their own opinions, and many of those opinions are based on a lack of knowledge, rather than a particularly well-informed slant on things. I'm referring to the many derogatory remarks about Islam, and Gay Marriage.

The remarks offend me to some degree, although I am not (in any way shape or form) a Muslim, nor do I (at least at this time) wish to marry another man (mostly because all the really cute ones are taken - sigh...)I'm not really the marrying type for either gender. Too selfish. I digress.

I know, intellectually, that my response to those remarks is triggered by a complex internal set of filters - and the more upset I get about it, the more those triggers are hitting close to something about myself I don't want to accept or acknowledge. I know this.

I still feel bothered...and I guess it's because I'm attached to the thought of my friends being intelligent, urbane, creative, educated people (we all grew up in a very affluent suburb of New York, and went to great schools) who know better than to make blanket statements about entire faith traditions, or get on the bandwagon against a cause that is long overdue - and effects many of our mutual friends.

I guess I'm bothered by thinking that I might be friends with, and genuinely like, people I think are bigoted or hateful - or the worst of all - ignorant. After all, my only life goal is to be a "Conscious Person".

I think the lesson available to me is summed up in the little story of the two wolves. Isn't real acceptance about making your point, but then not getting caught in the drama of insisting that you have to be right - (or even making it a matter of "right or wrong") and just listening to where people are at - then, if asked, trying to help them identify the painful parts of their personal maps which may lead them to "harden their hearts" to what is different, or "other" to them? I think real acceptance, and it's derivative "Consciousness" is just that.

Like Werner Erhard's definition of love - "Allowing other people the space to be who they are, and the space to be who they're not." That's the wolf I want to feed today.

The Real Meaning of Peace

Let me share a little story I like...I didn't write it, nor do I know who did.

There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all the pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to choose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all.

But when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest - in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second picture. Do you know why?

"Because," explained the king, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

A lot of my friends talk about creating that "empty mind" space through their meditation practice. This story sums up best what the result can be - peace, tranquility - effortless being - in the midst of our daily lives. Nothing outside of us has to change - all the change is from within. Peace.

The BEST Questions

"Who are you? Where are you Going? Why are you here? - These are the great questions. Sit with them a while and watch your answers change" [Richard Bach, more or less]

I'm not sure that there are all that many solid answers in life, but I'm pretty confident there are some splendiferous questions.

When we pose these questions - really good questions, along the lines of "who am I" - we are really asking our Self to respond to ourselves. Our inner "higher" Self to speak and remind us of what we need best to know or remember at any given moment. This wonderful space of openness holds all our promises, our purpose, and ultimately the answers to all our questions.

Science shows us that everything is energy. The tables, chairs, walls that we see are all made up of small particles that are moving and fluid and only appear to be solid. The same is true of human beings. Who we are is a manifestation of this energy - and is always connected with the 'other' (ultimate there are no 'others' but that's a different slant on this and the subject of another blog) energy manifestations we share our space with. This connection is very powerful - and if we learn to tune to it and lock into its frequency, we will get glimpses of the answers we are seeking to our current life questions. Sort of like an inner crystal ball.

Then we begin to notice during our waking hours quick intuitive flashes, moments of knowing. We sense the power of these interactions, and we start to look for more openings into this space. Finally, with a little confidence in ourselves and practice - we are able to summon it at will and to be fully present to it. It is the space between our logic and our intuition, our fears and our knowledge, our habits and our triumphs, our questions and our answers. It’s the space between our loneliness and our true love. It is a space of nothingness where everything is possible. Our inner emptiness.

We're all so frightened of emptiness. In the many years I've played church and liturgical music, "quiet" was something to be avoided. My experience with prisons showed me that we will do almost anything to escape from ourselves - music, TV, arguments or creating interpersonal drama. It is, however, only in those empty spaces that we are able to answer our own most profound questions. "Who am I? Where am I going? Why am I here?"

I sometimes think we don't want to know the answers to those kinds of questions because they we will feel responsible for moving in the direction we know we should go. If we knew for certain that we were being led in a particular direction, only a crazy person would move elsewhere. But we're so comfortable where we are. It's all so familiar. The known is such a safe place.

A long time ago, admiring the work of Dr. John Lilly who wrote "Center of the Cyclone; a Diary of Inner Space" (along with "Programming and Meta Programming in the Human BioComputer" which you probably have in your bathroom) I had an experience with an isolation tank. It was a powerful and profound experience, and it changed my experience of silence dramatically. It also reframed my capacity to listen.

Some of us can access this space more readily than others. Writers, artists, musicians, actors, gurus and the like all tap into this space to access the abilities for which they’re celebrated. So do experts in other, less readily accepted fields — psychics, mediums, faith healers, all those who use their “sixth sense” (which is just another name for intuition) to express themselves in the world.

If you were to have a conversation with a reputable individual in one of these fields, and you could listen not with your critical faculties but with your gut instincts, your inner knowing, you wouldn’t be nervous at all. If you’re reading article, you are most likely looking to cut out the middleman and reveal those answers for yourself. Bravo! You won’t be disappointed. Ask, sit back - and be open to the amazing, incredible and constantly evolving answers.

Awakening Moments

Today in church the focus of our service was on Buddhism, and the awakening of the Buddha - or perhaps, the awakening process itself. Hard really to tell - since some would see it one way, and some the other. Aside from the fact that I thought the service was fantastic, it reminded me of my own process of awakening as it continues to this day.

My awakening moment came in a prison cell in Eastern Oregon in 1994. I was sitting on my bunk, watching the sunlight dance, as sunlight is inclined to do, on the dust particles as they drifted in the air.

At that moment I realized how perfect and beautiful the moment was. And that no matter where I was, perfect moments were there for the taking. Since that time I have been able to move to that awareness pretty much at will.

Some spiritual experiences are profound and inconceivable, deep and vast as the ocean. Other spiritual experiences may be simple things like inspiration, a deep sense of hope, and the feeling of meaning or purpose. A sense of interconnectedness. These experiences help form the very foundations of our lives and choices. Regardless of belief or perspective, spiritual experience is essential to our health and a full experience of life. The secret lies in allowing the spiritual experiences, recognizing them, reflecting on them, and drawing their wisdom and peace into our daily lives.

Today we thought about emptiness. For example how an empty cup is the best possible vehicle to receive tea. If there is already something in the cup, then there's no room for the tea.

Our minds are like that - if there's already a tightly woven belief structure - or a worldview very rigidly set - like the best firewalls, nothing will penetrate it. Opening to the possibility of spiritual experiences means that we are willing to consider that just because something doesn’t fit our religious upbringing, or what we’ve been told to expect or told is "true" - doesn't mean it may not have great value to us.

Generally speaking, spiritual experiences are moments that transcend the ordinary mode of perception, meaning, and sensation. Spiritual experiences are typically absorbing, when we are involved in one we aren’t thinking about it. When we become self-aware of a spiritual experience it often causes it to change or end. Spiritual experiences are not necessarily of God or religious content, but they do typically connect you with a sense of relationship to something that defies or transcends the ordinary. Strange as some such experiences may be, they frequently feel as “real” as any ordinary experience of day to day life. Intensity, sensation and emotion are usually altered in a very distinct or dramatic way. Different types of spiritual experience have different qualities and manners of seeing and feeling. In some spiritual experiences we have insights about our life path, in others we may encounter sacred beings, and in others we experience a Divine Presence so infinite and self-evident that we are instantly transformed.

There's an AA slogan, "Let go and let God." I think that relates well here. And, like this morning - we learned that a space of some emptiness means not only that there is more room for our gifts to be presented, but more room for the gifts the transcendent has to offer us to be received. Perhaps in this instance it's the taking that really matters (rather than the giving). We can not help but awaken to the amazing amount of gifts filling our lives on a daily basis. And, the most natural response to that wonder, beauty and gift is to simply say, "Thank you God." And so I do.

LONG past the time to move on...

"There is, in a word, nothing comfortable about the Bible -- until we manage to get so used to it that we make it comfortable for ourselves. But then we are perhaps too used to it and too at home in it. Let us not be too sure we know the Bible ... just because we have learned not to have problems with it. Have we perhaps learned ... not to really pay attention to it? Have we ceased to question the book and be questioned by it?" - Thomas Merton from his book Opening the Bible

What's the old expression - "Familiarity breeds contempt"?

We get so used to a certain and particular worldview about something that when someone comes along with an alternative view, we're uncomfortable. Example - the Proposition 8 and "Gay Marriage" conversation.

If you don't want to marry someone of the same sex. Don't do it. When you start telling me who I can and can't marry, or trying to run some line that "...marriage (between a man and a woman) is the ordained nature of things" my only response is going to be pleeeeze...get real.

Why is it we feel the need to tell other people how to live their lives? What is it that makes us uncomfortable with, to quote Werner Erhard, "Allowing other people the space to be who they are - and to be who they're not." I agree with Werner that that's a great definition of love.

What are we afraid of? Do those who claim that marriage between same sex couples violates God's "plan" really think that much of what happens in marriage is part of God's plan? Really? Are they familiar with the divorce rate? The rate of Domestic Violence? I won't even go to the research showing that domestic violence rates are higher among "fundamentalist" Christians.

Those who adopt the mantra - "my way or the highway", and who project their particular view onto God...indicating that "this is what God wants..." (coincidently coinciding with their own viewpoints) miss out on a lot. Mostly, they miss out on the possibility of growth and change. Of becoming better and more authentic humans. OK - In my humble opinion.

Consider that if God is love, then love isn't defined in any kind of narrow or limiting way. In fact, the very concept of "limits" and "love" seems a bit strange. And limiting God? Hmmm, probably not.

Live and let live my friends...not everyone will do what you would like them to do - nor will you do what what they want. But, if you can open your heart - your arms - your minds - you might be amazed how free you may feel.

My FB friend John Shore wrote it best when he blogged,

"Can we Christians stop already with the gay and lesbian fixation? I know many of us understand our stance on the matter to be unassailably Biblical. I know a great many of us are deeply concerned about the "homosexual agenda." I know. We all know. Maybe Christians could just give that issue a rest for a while. It's not like gay and lesbian people are going anywhere. They'll all be there when we get back. Maybe -- for just a week, a day, a month -- we could concern ourselves with something else, and let them be.

It's LONG past the time to move on. There are hurting people, hungry kids, victims of emotional and physical violence - all calling for our attention. Let's tackle stuff that can actually improve the quality of someones life. Today.

Twenty Dollars

Twenty Dollars (Author Unknown)

I read this on a friend's blog this morning and liked it so much I wanted to share it...

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?"

He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by ...WHO WE ARE.

You are special - don't ever forget it."

So many of my friends wrestle with questions of their own value (me too at times). They have, in their own minds, limited their potential based on their history. Self-worth is contingent on nothing at all - other than plain and simple "beingness".

If you are, you're worth it...