Tuesday, December 14, 2010

We're ALL Living the Dream

“I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. “ Lily Tomlin

A group of young boys knew of a wise man in their village and hatched a plan in order to fool him. They would take a small live bird and stand in front of the wise man. One of hem would hold the bird behind his back and say, “Wise man, is this bird alive or is it dead?” If the wise man said the bird was alive, then the boy would quickly squeeze the life out of the bird, responding, “No, the bird is dead.” If the wise man said, “The bird is dead,” then the boy would present the live bird.

The boys finally received an audience with the wise man. The one holding the bird asked, “Wise man, is the bird in my hand alive or dead?”

The wise man was silent for a moment. Then he bent down until he stood no higher than the boy. “The life you are holding,” the wise man told him, “is in your hands.” (Building Your Field of Dreams, Mary Manin Morrissey)

Years ago (think early 90’s) I was actively involved in a spiritual community in the Portland area called the “Living Enrichment Center”. LEC was a powerful community of people who were “on the path” to fuller self-discovery and actualization – shepherded by a very dynamic woman named Mary Manin Morrissey. Having worked for churches as a musician almost my entire life, I am a bit of a connoisseur of religious communities and the broad, inclusive message offered by LEC resonated strongly with me.

LEC grew by leaps and bounds and at some point, outgrew the theatre where they had been meeting and decided to look for another facility to call home. They went into a process of discernment about what people wanted. Not what was possible, or affordable, or practical – but what people wanted. All the people. The adults wanted spacious meeting rooms, a worship space capable of seating a thousand people, tons of parking, some garden areas. The kids wanted an indoor swimming pool (seriously). Quite a shopping list. All the usual comments about asking for too much, or “what is our budget and what can we afford”, “what’s practical or realistic” – all of those comments were shelved during the initial process of asking “what do you want.”

I hear from people all the time who are looking for work (or a new relationship or something different in their lives) – and when I ask them what they’re looking for, way more often than not the response is “doesn’t matter.” So that’s the message sent out to the Universe. It doesn’t matter. That’s not great distance from “I don’t matter.”

I get that people will do whatever work they can find when times are tough, but that’s not the question – the question is “what are you looking for?” or “what would you like to do?” If someone has a tray of donuts and offers you one, is there any problem in saying, “I’d really like the chocolate one…thanks!”

The Universe gives us what we want…get that. Own that. And so when we put “whatever” out there – it should be no surprise that it’s returned just as we asked.

Imaging building a custom house (which, after all, is what your life is about – you are the architect, builder and customer) and when asked about the floor plan, the response is “it doesn’t matter,” or imagine someone immensely creative asking you what color you want your living room painted. Responding “it doesn’t matter” is a pretty risky statement – although as long as you’re willing to live with and be happy with the result – it may work for you. Just be conscious that you’re putting out the “whatever” message – and if you start complaining about the results you get, remember that you created it.

Have you heard the expression, “I’m living the dream?” So along with that comes the idea that people who say that are doing something really right. But it’s true for virtually all of us – we’re all living our dreams – and the only difference is that some people’s dreams are a lot more specific and focused than others.

So here come the “buts?” and there are a lot of them – stuff happens, and sometimes it’s really difficult, challenging stuff – sometimes we have to ask ourselves “why on Earth would I have wanted to create this reality for myself?” That’s a very reasonable question deserving of a response – at some level I believe that we create our reality (in case you haven’t picked that up from the rest of this blog) – but our creation process is a combination of conscious desires (I’d love to win the lottery) combined with unconscious stuff (I don’t deserve to have a great, abundant life). There’s a balance and it takes some conscious effort to sort out what our beliefs really are about ourselves, our circumstances and our relationships to get clear – really clear – on what it is we want and to a lesser degree, why we want it. And not just why we want something, but how our having it is going to make us more effective people, and our world a better place.

Not knowing what you want — from your major life goals to your day-to-day desires — is not really helpful. The most you'll ever get is what you ask for. If you don't even know what it is that you want, then you can't even ask for it. You also won't even know if you get there!

By being specific in defining your goal, the choices you make along the way will be more goal-directed. You will recognize which behaviors and choices support your goals — and which do not. You will know when you are heading toward your goal, and when you are off track.

Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you have the strength and resolve enough to believe that you deserve what it is that you want, then and only then will you be bold enough to step up and claim it. Remember that if you don't, someone else will.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Forgiveness Starts With Me...

I come from a very old family. My Dutch ancestors moved to Paramus, NJ in the 1640’s. My relatives populate all the little towns and Boroughs of Bergen County, the North Eastern corner of New Jersey, edging the Hudson River opposite New York City. While I grew up knowing this I don’t think it really came into conscious awareness until a couple of decades ago my mother began putting together a comprehensive genealogy (thanks Rootsweb and Family Tree Maker). My grandparents and great grandparents lived in an old house on a street surrounded by neighbors my great-grandmother would describe as “shirt-tail” relatives. I spent much of my childhood there at 23 Meadow Street, and still have many memories of that wonderful old house, and its barns, outbuildings and surrounding neighborhood.

One of the things that struck me even as a child, was a background awareness of thinking that while these people were “shirt-tail” relatives, we never did anything with them – no Thanksgivings, Christmas celebrations – birthdays or family get-togethers. I had cousins, maybe just a couple of generations removed, whom I primarily defined as playmates. Strange, huh?

So, in my Mom’s exhaustive and really fascinating investigation into the family history, she learned some things. What she learned was that two and three generations back there was a big blow up and people stopped talking with each other. The resentments and hubris continued, although the principal offenders and parties were long dead and gone. As good Dutch, upper-middle class protestants, we weren’t exactly the “Hatfields and the McCoys. No shots were fired (at least in recent memory) but there was a coldness that pervaded relationships and by the time I came around, no one could even articulate what the issues were, or why we didn’t connect as an extended “family”, especially living in such proximity to each other.

The power of forgiveness. Since coming to understand my own family history and dynamics, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my own relationship with being forgiven and being forgiving. I’ve experienced first hand how debilitating it is when we carry around baggage that isn’t ours to carry – or even if it is, we still carry it around. No matter what the circumstance, it weighs too much.

Of all the emotions in the human repertoire, hate, anger and resentment are among the most powerful and self-destructive. They are awakened by the actions of those you perceive to have hurt you or those you love. Sometimes we treat our hatred as if it were a mythical curse on the target of our distain. The problem is the high cost – because those feelings change who you are. They change your heart and your mind.

The focus of all my efforts in life (at least the positive stuff) is to create an awareness of the potential for conscious living. Living in such a way that whatever happens to us is either created intentionally, or at least responded to with some intentionality. When we are busy hating and being resentful, we acquire a set of filters which really precludes ourselves from seeing things with any kind of objectivity – everything we see, not just our “focus”.

I see this with crime victims all the time…where whatever happens to them becomes the defining factor in their lives. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have feelings, or feel anger, resentment, rage – because sometimes what happened was a terrible thing. What it means is that there is a “natural life cycle” for those feelings (although very different for different people) and once the cycle starts to ebb, and people individually know when that is – to continue to hold on to those feelings of anger or resentment, or even rage – long beyond the point when they are actually a response to the incident – is hurtful to the person feeling the anger.

We don’t forgive for other people. Oh, as someone who has been so often in need of forgiveness for my long list of crimes and failings, I know how wonderful it is when someone finally says “I forgive you – I’ve let it go.” That doesn’t mean it’s “OK” or that it’s forgotten, it only means that it’s forgiven. I'm happy to live with that.

We don’t forgive for other people, we forgive for ourselves. Because it feels good to forgive. It’s like being paroled from anger, hatred or resentment. We simply let that stifling atmosphere of our self-imposed prison “expire” and we move on. Some people have the idea that if I “forgive” you, for whatever, I automatically love you again. Or, things will be the same as they were. Forgiveness isn’t pretending that something never happened, or is it an artificial sense of things being OK – it’s just a letting go of feelings and a willingness to no longer be defined by those feelings and moving on…just plain moving on.

We all screw up. It’s a fact of life. Oscar Wilde wrote, “The only man who truly knows me is my tailor for he measures me anew each time we meet.” That’s a refreshing thought. We can’t “measure each other anew” when we are holding on to perceptions and feelings from past events that no longer exist.

My many prisoner friends talk about having a clean slate when they are released “I’ve served my time”. And, while that is certainly true, the often-sad reality is that lots of resentment is held long past their release dates. Resentment on the part of the inmates for “getting caught” and held accountable, resentment on the part of victims for the pain, injury or loss suffered in the original crime, resentment on the part of families for “having to be put through all of this”, or anger at the victims, anger at the inmates – good heavens there’s enough potential anger to open an anger outlet mall superstore.

So – the solution starts in letting go of the Anger. In forgiving; oneself then others (in that order). Who goes first? I do. I have no power or control over how others react or respond, but I do have complete power and control over my feelings. And, at some point I have to say, “Enough! Time to let it go and move on.” Whatever happened, happened – and I can “shoulda, coulda, woulda” all day long and it doesn’t change a thing. I’m going to give myself a fresh slate today. Then, try looking at life with those new and improved lenses and see if it doesn’t make a difference in how others respond to you.

Hate, anger and resentment are destructive, eating away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you. Take your power back.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Teaching people to treat us right...

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

I’ve mentioned my friend Barrett in previous posts – he’s hard to sum up in a few words but here’s a quick refresher on his story – he’s back in prison after being overly “aggressive” with his girlfriend (sad, toxic relationship there – and both were equally “guilty” of precipitating issues), but Barrett, most of all, should have known better.

Anyway…the last time Barrett, who I am very fond of, called me from the county jail I ended up hanging up on him. It wasn’t the first time I’d decided to terminate a conversation with Barrett. I won’t tolerate Barrett’s “aggressive” behavior or even tone. Not OK with me.

Not the case with some of Barrett’s other friends and relatives. Barrett will call then, if he doesn’t get his way (in his mind), or if someone disagrees with him, he begins shouting and ranting…After a while, people have come to dread phone calls from Barrett, so my question is, “Why do you continue to accept them?”

Barrett has anger and control issues. Doesn’t take Dr. Phil to figure that out. So, when he doesn’t get his way, or is “challenged” in some ways, he acts like a thirteen-year old. OK – that’s Barrett’s issue. But the problem is that Barrett’s issue becomes our issue when we continue to put up with that behavior. Then, the issue isn’t Barrett’s behavior anymore, but our acceptance of that behavior. And, if we care about Barrett, we aren’t helping him by “training” him that it’s OK for him to continue to berate and verbally abuse us.

We teach people how to treat us. This is tied with my two favorites of Dr. Phil’s Life Laws. We teach people how to treat us – I can’t say it enough. You can complain all you want about how your boy/girlfriend, husband, fiancé, son, daughter, or whatever treats you badly. Maybe it’s so. If you put up with it more than twice (and I’m being generous here), then the problem isn’t theirs - it’s yours.

When we complain about the behavior of others, or more specifically, how their behavior effects us – what we might be missing is that we’re responsible – not for what they say or do, but we’re responsible for continuing to put up with it.

There are a lot of dynamics that go into this mix – not the least of which are the issues of the need to control and for some, the need to be controlled. There are some people for whom the need to control others is critical to their well being. The controlling personality often has problems with trust. Having probably been abused, hurt, lied to, or anything else relating to these situations. By controlling the environment and essentially that of the person being controlled, gives the controller power and ups their self-esteem. They know that whatever the other person does or says, they have control of the situation and can manipulate the other person to do what they want.

The person being controlled has obvious weaknesses and wants that often, are apparent to the controller. They are easily preyed upon; dominated, threatened into doing and reacting the way the controller wants them to. This often happens even in child- parent relationships with the children picking up on the weaknesses in their parent’s armor and working the chinks to get exactly what they want. Kids notice this instinctively and sometimes even we, as parents, use the same methods to get our children to do what we want.

We either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or we don't. This means we are partly responsible for the mistreatment we get at the hands of someone else. We shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If you’re not satisfied with the treatment you’re getting in a relationship, or not getting the respect you feel you deserve, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. How’s that working for you?

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "opened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

Things to think about in terms of your relationships:

In All honesty do you feel that you give, while your partner takes?

Do you find yourself frequently apologizing?

Looking back over the last year, do you feel that you are making most of the sacrifices and changes?

Remember the principle of reciprocity; You get what you give. If you really love the person you are in a relationship with, you want them to be the best they can be – and sometimes that might mean holding them accountable for being jerks. Not to judge them for being jerks, but just hold them accountable. What that means is saying, “It’s fine that you’re a jerk…it’s just not fine that you’re a jerk with me.” Got it?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Life Stuff - Managed or Cured?

It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi

Imagine your life as a Burger King franchise. You own your shop. You hire your employees, set the policies – at least within the framework provided by the franchisor – you are the boss. It’s up to you to train your employees, to pick the best people – to accommodate those who you might feel have potential, but for one reason or another, aren’t quite there yet.

The franchisor (the Burger King brand) is like our culture – there are certain things we agree to in order to live in our particular society or community. The playground has rules – and our ultimately success depends to a large degree on how well we are open to incorporating those rules (I like the world “ethos”) into our daily living.

We still have a lot of room in this structure for freedom. Freedom of choice; the choice whether or not we will respond or react, the choice about how we will spend our precious time (an increasing complex task when faced with the enormous amount of information we have competing for our attention). We are still the captain of our ship.

Your objective is to actively manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You are your own most important resource for making your life work. Success (defined as effective, satisfied living) is a moving target that must be tracked and continually pursued. There are no fixes to things – permanent solutions are impossible, because the circumstances of life are so fluid. Things change, it is the nature of life… All we can do is manage our responses, mange and grow our strategy. It’s not an item up for being fixed.

I’ve spent almost thirty years working with the adult alcohol/drug recovery community. In my association with many fine people dealing with addiction issues, I’ve learned that this dynamic applies equally. There is no “cure”. The dynamic to alcoholism, drug addiction or even criminality will always be with us. Whether it overpowers us, or dominates our life-script, is dependent on how effectively we manage it. My issues will always be my issues, but whether I let those issues define me or not – is up to me. At some core level we develop our life scripts early, and we learn those scripts well – so when we encounter challenges, especially serious challenges (and what constitutes a “serious” challenge varies dramatically from one person to another) we tend to fall back to “default” mode. We don’t have to. We can, through the development of some degree of mindfulness, create awareness of our tendency for triggers to precipitate “usual and customary” behavior. For us to do what we’ve always done. Mindfulness is where we recognize, “Hey, if I do that, the result is going to be the same as before – that really didn’t work for me, so why would I think now would somehow be different?”

I’ve seen people working at Burger King who are handicapped. That said, they are often very effective employees – because their managers focus on their strengths, and fully utilize the gifts they have – which have, remarkably enough, been honed (made stronger, wiser and more resilient) by their challenges.

Effective life management means you need to require more of yourself in your grooming, self-control, emotional management, interaction with others, work performance, dealing with fear, and in every other category you can think of. You must approach this task with the most intense commitment, direction and urgency you can muster.

There are a couple of keys to managing life effectively – the first is to have a strategy. If you have a clear-cut plan, and the courage, commitment and energy to execute that strategy, you can flourish. If you don't have a plan, you'll be a stepping stone for those who do. The second is to be aware of triggers – not judgmentally aware (I’m “bad” if I do this), but just aware. When “A” happens I tend to do “B”. Rehearse in your mind doing something OTHER than “B” when “A” happens. What would that look like for you?

It’s more helpful in the long run to think along the lines of “…this behavior won’t lead to the result I want, or meet my needs over time”, than it is to think “I’m a bad person if I do this.” Those two modes of thinking are important distinctions.

So, what would the best Burger King franchise ever look like? How would you manage it so everyone came t work every day, looking forward to doing what they do best, working together as a team to achieve your stated goals, everybody getting most of their needs met…(a little compromise is almost always necessary). If we’re all willing to bring consciousness to the table, and with intentionality (I love that word) resolve to be the best life manager (of ourself) we can be, there is nothing that can stop us from living an amazing, rewarding, effective life. Ready. Set. Do it!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Life Rewards Action

This is a continuation from Dr. Phil's Life Laws material...

Well done is better than well said.” Ben Franklin

Life rewards action. At some point we learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions. Talk is cheap. Really cheap. The IRS doesn’t care if you meant to pay taxes. Your child doesn’t care if you meant to fix dinner. Your friend in prison doesn’t care if you meant to write. It’s not your intentions that matter, it’s your actions.

Twenty odd years ago I was a student at a Catholic Seminary…because I’ve always been a fairly gregarious, outgoing type, I was the student “hospitality” director, responsible for guests who would come to the seminary to check out whether or not they wanted to explore the possibility of being a catholic priest. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a priest, so I always thought that I was a funny choice (on the part of the seminary management) for this particular role, but after a while I figured out that what really mattered was that I had a “try it” attitude. And a “try it” attitude counts for a lot.

What made the difference was that I could explain the difference between being a priest (after six years of school) and exploring the possibility of being a priest, which was really the stage most people were at when they were looking around for seminary options. There is a huge difference between dating someone and getting married. But we often don’t see it that way…

What this means is that a lot of people think about trying something, whether it’s going to graduate school, getting a new job, of getting into a new relationship. They don’t because they’re not sure. Who is “sure”? How would you know if you like something unless you try it? Have you had the experience of changing your mind about something later and found it impossible? Difficult, possibly, but impossible, not likely.

Life rewards action. That means if you have an idea, or a dream, or even an inkling that something might be fun for you, or helpful, or adventuresome – the only benefit is going to come from giving it a try. You can’t win if you don’t play. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t use common sense in trying things – but as long as the potential positives outweigh the potential negatives – give it a try.

Many of us live paralyzed by fear; fear of failure, or of not doing well. Fear of criticism from our friends or family. We live in fear of engaging with the world. Fear of being laughed at. I think the reasons for this are complicated, and come in part from our fragile self-esteem that in so many cases is completely dependent on the approval of others. Of course we know this is no way to live, and we intend to be stronger – but somehow our comfortable ruts seem more attractive than the future we envision and dream about for ourselves.

Things will begin to shift when we start by measuring the quality of our life based on actions, rather than intentions. Let me say it again – it doesn’t matter what you intend to do, it only matters what you do.

True confession time; I’m a compulsive list person. I work each day off of a detailed “to do” list. Today’s list has 24 items. I’ve found it helpful to keep a list of things which I have pre-prioritized and grouped by categories. Sometimes I get through a lot of my list, other days not so much. I’m not so compulsive that I lose sleep if I didn’t get a lot done. There’s always tomorrow – but in the back of my mind I know that the list keeps me focused, and if there’s some point where I wonder what would be best to do next, my list is right there to remind me. That doesn’t mean I can’t change my list, re-prioritize based on what feels right from moment to moment – but it provides a general guideline for my day – and at the end, I feel a pretty decent sense of accomplishment that some things that are important to me have been “finished”.

People ask how on earth I manage to accomplish all the stuff I do – and the answer is easy – “I organize.” Along with that daily kind of micro stuff, on a bigger picture there’s very little I won’t try – especially if it sounds fun or worthwhile to me. The trick is to schedule time to try new things...(and yes, I know this model doesn't work for everyone)

It wasn’t always this way – I was bad at sports and developed a mindset that if I didn’t excel at something, I wouldn’t try it. I certainly didn’t want people to laugh at me, or to criticize me because I wasn’t good at something. I’m not totally sure of how I got over that – but I think some of it can be attributed to my shift away from being so competitive. I reached the point where I knew that a lot of my friends were athletic, and would always be better at athletics than I was – and I could really celebrate their skills and abilities, without an internal dialog criticizing myself for not being them. I have my own gifts. I play the piano – at a level many of my friends can only dream about. They don’t lose sleep over my ability to play music, and I don’t lose sleep over their ability to play basketball or tennis. Instead, we celebrate each other. That has made us closer. And, it has given me the confidence to try new stuff without worrying that I won’t be the best at it – or worrying that if I don’t like it, I’m somehow stuck. It’s liberating…

If you start measuring your life by results, that means that you no longer take excuses from other people, either. If you decide that you will require better treatment from those with whom you are in relationship, then you measure the relationship by their actions, not their words. You can not spend the rest of your life letting somebody else tell you how to feel, or telling you that you just see things wrong.

The traditional formula for taking purposeful action goes like this:

Be – Do – Have.

What that means is to BE committed, DO what it takes and HAVE what you want. Sound simple? It is. The difference between winners and losers is that winners do things losers don’t want to do. Without a willingness to take action you’re just a passenger in life, along for the ride. Does that feel OK to you? I know this works for a lot of people because it imposes no pressure to decide or stand accountable for your life’s results. That doesn’t work for me. And I frankly hope that it doesn’t work for you either – at least any more.

To start this conversation with yourself (the only person it really matters that you have this conversation with) you can ask yourself “Am I really worth it?” My best possible answer would be “Yes I am.” I’d also be happy with “I’m not sure, but I guess I’ll find out because I’m going to do it anyway.”

Talk is cheap. It's what you do that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions. They are of no value until then. Measure yourself and others based on results — not intentions or words.

Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.

Just do it. [Nike Slogan]

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Owning my Perceptions - Mine, mine...all mine...

Recently a city councilman from Texas made an impassioned plea for kids, especially gay kids, who are challenged by bullies to recognize that the pain they face growing up in those kinds of circumstances is temporary and that “it does get better”. I think this is a great reminder that what really matters in our life, isn’t the reality of things – but our perception of how things are.

We know and experience our world only through the perceptions we have. There is no other way for us to filter this information. Each of us has the ability to choose how we perceive any event in our life, and we exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every moment we breath. No matter what the situation, we choose our reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event. I always like the Landmark Education quote, “Humans are ‘Meaning Making Machines'".

Once we start to live in this model – really live in it, not just a fleeting intellectual awareness, it gives us all kinds of power to begin to determine the nature and quality of our experiences. No one can make us mad, or happy, or sad…we choose those responses to the stimuli offered by others – but ultimately our choice about what to feel, rests with us. And it’s all about choices. I am the boss of me.

A lot of us don’t do this…we give our emotional wellbeing over to others – who are, for the most part, more than happy to take it. Instead of discovering “what’s up” for ourselves, we let others dictate our feelings – and this happens on all kinds of levels. From a more global view – where we might let Fox News or associated pundits determine what we think, to letting ourselves be victimized by the anger or anxiety issues of people with whom we are close.

It’s fine to listen to opinions (mine included) – as long as those opinions only “inform” our creation of perceptual filters. What happens too often, in my humble opinion, is that we’re lazy – or we want to belong, or we just think we’re too busy to think through things for ourselves. And we end up letting the opinions of others replace our own thinking.

Some of this comes from early training about the value of questioning. We may have grown up in a home where it wasn’t considered a good idea to “question” whatever was said. In coaching circles, we might call that the “Why” Because I’m your mother…that’s why!” model. Sorry, but that’s not a good enough reason to abdicate my own thinking in favor of yours – and the message we send when we say that, is “don’t think – I’ll do it for you.” This is a strange training model if we want to create self-sufficient, independent, or critical thinking effective humans.

And it doesn’t matter who says what – we have to evaluate in terms of our own wonderful capacity for critical thinking – just because your Pastor, parish priest or Rabbi, a TV newscaster, or a politician says something, doesn’t make it true. Just because it’s written somewhere, and perhaps even attributed to “God”, doesn’t make it true. We need to sift through what’s said – and check it against the idea of “does this make sense?” and “what is my heart telling me about this right now?” Your guy is a great assist in the process of bullshit detecting.

“There is no reality, only perception” means that we are in control. Sure, there are some kinds of reality that are pretty reliable – gravity, taxes, chocolate…things that we don’t really need to spend a lot of time arguing about…that’s not the reality I’m talking about. More specifically I’m concerned with the realities about ourselves we live with daily, or the realities about others…how we limit ourselves by our beliefs about what we can and can’t do. And how easily we accept the beliefs of others ABOUT us concerning our potential.

We all view the world through individual filters, which influence the interpretations we give events, how we respond, and how we are responded to. “We don’t see things as they are” writes Anais Nin, “we see things as we are.” Be aware of the factors that influence the way you see the world, this allows us to compensate for them and respond with some degree of consciousness. When we continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, we are allowing our past to control and dictate both our present and your future. Our history is not our destiny.

Filters are made up of a wide range of beliefs, or ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. Some of these beliefs are helpful – and some are limiting. Limiting beliefs are dangerous because if we treat them as fact, we will not seek, receive or process new information, undermining our capacity for creating effective change. When we "shake up" our belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, doing a “gut check” as it were - the freshness of our perspective can be startling – and vastly expand our horizons and capacity to live an effective, loving life.

Friday, October 1, 2010

What Change? Start with Getting Real...

“We’ve got them”. (General George A. Custer, on being attacked at the Little Bighorn, 1876).

So yesterday I learned that my friend Barrett, now in jail (again) on a parole violation for an assortment of infractions is going to go back to prison. My guess would be a five-year parole violation. That’s a lot of time for “not getting it”, although, as I have written before – since this is far from Barrett’s first rodeo, I’m pretty sure there are some sub-conscious drives on Barrett’s part making prison his payoff of choice. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would choose prison over freedom, but it really happens all the time – and for a long list of reasons which perhaps will make the topic of another blog.

Barrett is an addict. It doesn’t matter what he’s addicted to (drugs and a cross addiction with relationships are the major factors in his case), his addictive behavior colors his perceptions, his choices and creates consequences completely in opposite to his state goals.

AA/NA has an old say, “Think what you always think and you’ll get what you always get.” That’s a great recognition that our thinking completely defines our outcomes. As long as he thinks that his addiction isn’t his problem, he won’t be able to change anything.

If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it. Barrett’s transformation and healing will begin the moment he says, to himself and anyone else who’s still listening, “I’ve made some really bad choices – I need to address these issues.”

Imagine going to the doctor and the doctor asks whether you’ve been having dizzy spells, and rather than admit it, you say, “Well, not really.” What’s going to happen? The doctor isn’t going to be able to treat you and you’ll keep getting dizzy. Which is fine if you like getting dizzy, but if you don’t – it’s a real waste of both your time and the doctor’s.

In the behavioral sciences community there is a dynamic called “Perceptual Defense” – this is a mechanism that protects us from those things that our minds, at some level, determine we cannot handle or which we do not want to face. In addicts, there is a slight variation on this where “Perceptual Defense” isn’t protecting the person from challenges, but the addiction itself.

Perceptual Defense is active in all phases of our everyday life. It keeps us from seeing things we don’t want to be true. The problem is that in protecting some part of our ego structure, it also keeps us from picking up on warning signs, or realities that would enable us to make more productive, or positive choices.

Interesting studies have been done on how effective our perceptual defense system is at keeping us from recognizing warning signs and indicators that our life isn’t on track, or at least isn’t on the track we want it to be.

Being able to crack this system requires honesty. In the case of my friend, Barrett, he has to look around himself and say, “Wow – jail again. Something must be wrong with my strategy.” He has to personalize the experience, and own that he is the creator of the experience. His choices landed him where he is. That’s simply the straight fact. Jail isn’t where he says he wants to be, yet there he is. The logical conclusion that something is really wrong isn’t hard to reach. The trick is having to personalize it…”I am responsible,” “I create my reality,” – somehow, since I knew we only do what “works”, this is working for me. How screwed up is that? And then, ask ourselves to dig deeper.

When we start this personal line of inquiry or investigation, we begin to crack the perceptual defense system. We start to understand that change is possible, but in the process of creating that change for ourselves, we have to get real about ourselves, our situation and acknowledge that something is out of kilter. Seriously out of kilter in some circumstances.

Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness. The best friends you will ever have are the friends who tell you the truth. No one is served by just feeding you what you want to hear (we have learned how destructive that is in the political arena, or with celebrities like Lindsey Lohan, who surrounds herself with people who just tell her what she wants to hear, rather than what she needs to hear.) Healing starts when we are willing to be best friends with ourselves, and own, admit, acknowledge – and otherwise fess up to the negative, life-limiting behaviors and patterns that keep us from really recognizing and living our potential.

Acknowledgement isn’t saying “Yep, I’m an addict” because that’s what we expect people want to hear from us – Acknowledgement isn’t saying anything that we say for the benefit of other people, or to manipulate them into thinking we’re changing or going to change. Acknowledgement is a no-kidding, unvarnished, bottom-line, truthful confrontation with ourselves about what we are doing or not doing, or what we are putting up with in our life that is destructive. This also means that we recognize we are getting payoffs for our behavior, and committing to understanding what the payoffs for those things are.

Remember the Jack Nicholson character in “A Few Good Men”? “You can’t handle the truth,” he shouts in the courtroom near the end of the movie. If we were honest, most of us would need to admit that we aren’t always great at handling the truth. What most of us really want is validation, not truth. We want reinforcement for our thinking – and we seek out people and information that support the conclusion’s we’ve already reached.

The insistence on being right can have tragic outcomes. Barrett’s a great example – his insistence that everything else is to blame for his current predicament, other than his addiction, has landed him for the umpteenth time in jail.

Changing requires acknowledging what the real story is, what the real issue is and recognizing that unless we deal with the reality – it’s like repainting the ceiling to fix a leaking roof. You may cover up the damage – but only until the next time it rains.

Where are you now? If you hope to stop creating misery in your life, or negative, un-wanted consequences - you have to be honest about where your life is right now. No situation is too bad to fix and it's not too late to fix it. But be honest about what needs fixing. Get real. Get better.

Friday, September 24, 2010

What Works - doesn't always Work...

I’ve written before about my friend Barrett who’s back in jail again. I don’t know how many times this makes, but it’s quite a few. Barrett’s friends and family (he has many friends and an extended, supportive family) ask, “Why?” Barrett isn’t dumb, and knows that the behavior that cause him to end up in the hoosegow again (and again, and again) could easily be modified. He also claims to “hate” jail. So what’s up?

The answer is simple. At some level jail is a payoff for Barrett. He’s getting what works for him. So he continues to do it, even though if you were to broach the subject with him he’d adamantly deny it.

I see this dynamic replicated over and over again with friends who are in prison. The payoff for them is that they end up free of responsibility, or out of a relationship that feels uncomfortable at some level to them, or away from having to deal with the pressures of competing in a large marketplace, or happy to be a “big fish in a small pond” – or countless other things. Paid off? Yes. Satisfied? No.

And, it’s not just people in prison – all of us participate in continued dysfunctional behaviors because there’s a payoff lurking in the background. I hate being fat (I am) but still find myself going to “all you can eat” places, or ordering the fried shrimp instead of a salad. What’s the payoff? Emotional obesity.

At twenty-six my friend Donna has already lost her mother and two grandparents to cancer. It really scares her that she might be predisposed to the disease herself. She thinks about this as she tears open her second package of cigarettes for the day.

As you think about these little stories – do you notice a pattern present in your own life? Whenever we do things that on some level we don’t want to do, and know isn’t helpful to our “big picture goals” – we’re getting a payoff – not the one we consciously want, but the one that is dominant for us. The behavior we choose creates the results we get. Things don’t “happen” to us. We choose the behavior, the behavior begets results. Simple as that.

Changing this dynamic in our life can be hard. We can start behaving in positive ways, leading to the result of getting what we want, or on a more subtle level, we can stop behaving in ways that interfere with us having what we want. If we didn’t perceive a particular behavior serving some purpose for us, at some level, conscious or un-conscious, we wouldn’t do it.

Why on earth would we continue to do things that hurt us? Why do we continue in relationships that provide no real satisfaction, or jobs that make us miserable, or any number of other things that don’t allow us to manifest our ultimate potential? Because those things work.

In some cases it’s as simple as the “I need attention” syndrome. We enjoy being the victim, getting people to feel sorry for us and recognize how hard we have it (although we are creating that “hard” every step of the way). The subconscious mind doesn’t differentiate between “good attention” and “bad attention”. All attention is good attention. In the context of prisons, people can do things so they get awards and certificates, or get extracted from their cells by a group of guards. Attention is attention. Sometimes the latter is easier and more expedient than the former. There’s some status among inmates in being a prison troublemaker. Again, pay value.

The most obvious and easily measured payoffs are, predictably, monetary. That’s the primary reason we go to work every day, when we would rather be home or doing something else. We value money, so we are willing to make sacrifices in order to get it. Sometimes, even more powerful payoffs are non-monetary. Psychological income, for example, can take the form of acceptance, approval, praise, love, companionship, greed, punishment or fulfillment.

One of the great needs humans have is to “be right”. If I have an internal map of reality or worldview that I am not OK, or not deserving, or not (insert whatever you think here) enough of something – there is a serious effort on the part of my consciousness to reconcile my inner and outer world. To validate, as it were, my belief about whatever negative perception I hold (or conversely, positive perception, it works the same way). The payoff is seeing, “Aha…I really am, loveable, un-loveable, worthy, etc., etc.”

A lot of people grew up with someone telling them what they couldn’t do, or what they couldn’t accomplish, or how they weren’t worth anything – or worse, no one told them those things, but the message was reinforced by parents who were too busy with their own lives to deal with their kids (message; you’re not important). So we look for all the ways we can validate that belief about ourselves in our world. How can I make myself be “not important” – thus right in my belief about myself? Doesn’t take long to find behaviors that will reinforce that belief with results.

Another prison example – so many guys I know, think that if only they weren’t in prison what a great father, husband or provider they would be. Then, they get out and find out how hard it is to be a great father, or a great husband and how hard it is to be a provider – and rather than admit that, like everyone else, all they can do is try to achieve the image they have in their minds of being Ward Cleever or Dr. Huxtable, and do their best – it’s just not easy. Rather than recognizing who they imagine themselves to be isn’t who they are (at least not without some serious work, effort and patience) – it’s easier to go back to prison for some stupid little thing, blame the “system” – and rest assured in their minds that they would be great at whatever, if only the system wasn’t screwed up. The payoff is that their view of themselves remains intact, although there’s now no way to test it.

Ditto people who have relationships with prisoners or people who are on long military deployments – as long as they are away in prison or on an aircraft carrier for six months, one can live a fantasy life about how wonderful their spouse or significant other is, how when you are finally together all will be bliss – because “he/she completes me…” Then they come home and the reality doesn’t match up with the belief or the image and there can be hell to pay – with the usual result being one or other party creates a behavior or situation allowing them to opt out.

Every behavior has a payoff. Even the most destructive behaviors have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it.

Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Payoffs can be as simple as money gained by going to work to psychological payoffs of acceptance, approval, praise, love or companionship. It is possible that you are feeding off unhealthy, addictive and imprisoning payoffs, such as self-punishment or distorted self-importance.

Be alert to the possibility that your behavior is controlled by fear of rejection. It's easier not to change. Try something new or put yourself on the line. Also consider if your need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.

As is so often the case, turn on the lights and the bogeyman disappears. Once we start to get conscious about what our payoffs are, and evaluate how helpful they are in terms of our stated goals and objectives – we can address the ones that really don’t serve us well. We are shaping our own behavior by the payoffs we are getting in life. Think a bit today about what in your life isn’t working, but keeps cropping up over and over again. Or, in the life of someone else you know…either way. And if you want feedback, post a comment. Happy to respond.

Monday, September 20, 2010

We Create our Own Experience...

I can’t harp on this enough…and at risk of sounding like a broken record I’ll state it again…You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.

The bottom line for me comes from the perhaps irrational idea that I think people want to be happy – contrary to all experience, I still think this is mostly true (although I see people wallowing in dysfunction to the degree that they must get some “pay value” from it.)

The unknown is scary. For many of us, we like the familiar – the reasons for this can be numerous – much of it comes from how we are raised, and what doesn’t trace its roots to that – comes from our need as humans to “look good” and that means not looking like we’re surprised, or at a loss for words or actions, or are “out of control…” So we’d rather be safe and miserable (or at least a little miserable) than take real risks, even though they may not be very BIG risks, and be happy. So we continue creating misery.

In another blog Responsibility as Empowerment I wrote extensively about taking responsibility…

Saying that you create your own experience is very different from saying you are to blame for every feeling or behavior you have. When you get that you own your experience, you have created it, this is not about blame but rather about personal power. If someone or something outside of you is the cause of how you feel or behave, you are powerless -- a victim. If you, or at least your unconscious processes, are at cause, you have power and can do something to change your experience of the situation to one that is happier and more peaceful.

Previously I wrote,
“You can live in a world where other people or events cause you to feel the way you feel, but there is a high price. The price is that you will feel bad a great deal of the time. Or, you can choose to totally take responsibility for every feeling you have and every behavior you have. Having done so, you suddenly are at the "cause" end of the cause and effect process, where you can choose how you feel and how you behave.”
If you are making a choice to feel something or to behave in a certain way, you can of course just make the right choice: to feel something that feels good or to behave in a way that has the greatest chance of having a good outcome. But what do you do with all those feelings and behaviors that seem to come unbidden, automatically? Since for most people, even those who are "advanced" seekers of consciousness, the majority of feelings and behaviors fall into this category, this is a very important question.

Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts — which will take a lot of discipline — you'll get the right consequences.

One of the hard things about understanding that we create our own experience is asking for what we want. That seems to be so hard for many people – for many, they have created the map (See my blog on maps – Principle 4) that they are unworthy of getting what they want or that for one reason or another they don’t deserve the good things in life other people get. “Other people have nice lives…not me…” Listen up because this is important - When we’re not clear on what we want, when we can’t really articulate what we need from relationships – or from work, or from our kids, or any other “other” in our life, we leave ourselves open to getting what we get, which may not be what we want. If anything, we get ambiguity. What fun is that?

Know what you want and tell people. Then the choice whether they meet your needs is theirs, and the choice whether you stay in a relationship with someone or something that doesn’t meet your needs is yours. Perfect.

There’s a big payoff in playing the role of victim, or using past events to build excuses. The downside is that it guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

There is a cost to this philosophy – no longer can you go around saying, “you made me feel bad", "sad", "angry” or anything else. No one has the power to make me feel anything (unless you give it to them, and then you make that choice). So, you become responsible for how you feel. Not everyone is happy about that. On the upside, you become in charge of your life. The captain of your own ship. Are you ready for a change? How cool is that

Friday, September 17, 2010

Are you someone who "gets it"?

You either get it or you don't. Become one of those who gets it.

So how do you identify people who “get it”? It's easy to tell these people apart. Their lives are successful, they understand how things work and have a strategy to create the results they want. Simple?

Yes and no. Knowledge is easy to come by – it comes from experience, which all of us have. But some of us have the un-resourceful habit of taking that experience and ignoring or seriously discounting it. We don’t listen – we’re so busy thinking that we’re right, or worrying about whether we’re right or not, or how cool we look, or a host of other things, that we don’t pay attention to where we’re going. Small wonder we run into walls all the time.

Right now I have a friend, Barrett, who’s in the county jail. Maybe for the 10th time. He was running a successful painting business after getting out of prison for a five year parole violation. The original charge, robbery, was back in the late ‘80’s and he’s been doing what inmates call “the installment plan” ever since. Barrett’s an addict with cross addictions – which means that in addition to drugs, his addictive personality has other addictions he uses to “compensate” when drugs aren’t available…the primary one is relationships.

Barrett gets addicted to being in love. Not addicted to love, or loving people – but addicted to being in love. There’s a difference and an important distinction. That means that no matter how dysfunctional or toxic his relationship(s) may be, he’s addicted to that feeling of “she’s the only one for me…” All that wouldn’t be so bad, except Barrett has come control issues, some anger, and tends to attract women with similar dynamics. Mix the two together and the potential for emotional messes is inevitable. We’ve had the talk – several times.

“It’s not a matter of “if” you end up back in Jail, Barrett, it’s a matter of “when..” No worries – Barrett keeps doing what Barrett does, and ends up in jail, again, and again. You can’t push your girlfriend around (especially when you’re 6’4” and have a history of violence), even if she starts it, or pushes first. Is that really news to anyone? Well, apparently it’s news to Barrett – each an every time it happens.

Barrett is a great example of a person who doesn’t get it. I know hundreds of these stories. Sometimes, they’re about me. The only thing I can say in my favor is that I’m aware of the dynamic in myself, and working on being more fully conscious about it.

So who doesn’t get it? Anyone who keeps getting the same thing they don’t want over and over. Whether it’s ending up in prison, or hooked up with lame boyfriends or girlfriends, or stuck in dead-end jobs or life situations. There’s nothing outside of you creating this stuff – you’re creating it – and you need to get it. Those who don't get it are stumbling along looking puzzled, and can be found complaining that they never seem to get a break, or everyone’s out to get them, or whatever…

I offer this material because I would love to see you start living, rather than just existing. I would love to see you start either creating what you want, or recognizing that what you have is what you created, and then move to refine your process of “creation” so it’s more satisfying to you.

Some “wisdom facts” that help with this understanding…

Fact 1. “There ain’t no Santa Clause, Elvis is way dead…” If your life is going to get better around here, it is because you make it better. “Pray to God but row for the shore…” Doesn’t matter if you are in prison, or running your own business, or whatever external circumstance you have – your life can still be satisfying. When you make your happiness contingent on the craziness of other people – you’re asking for trouble. Be a person who gets that…

Fact 2. Before your life can go in the right direction, you have to pull your head out and some going in the wrong direction…Hello…..

Fact 3. You don’t have to stick your hand in your blender to know it’s not the best idea to put your hand in blenders. Other people get into drama – you don’t have to jump in with both feet. If you do jump in, be aware that you can drown too. It’s not rocket science. The rip-tide of overwhelm is real, and can quickly suck you right down.

Fact 4. Become conscious – make a plan and work the plan. Life is not a dress rehearsal.
Unless you won the sperm lottery and came into the world as a ridiculously endowed trust-fund baby, you either need to learn the system or get used to being a “have not”. And, I don’t only mean this in terms of money – I hear “have not” stories every day from people with all kinds of situations – some of whom are actually quite well off. Amazing.

How well do you know yourself? How well do you know your own mental operating system? Can you identify fairly quickly what you value? Can you identify at a core level of your programming, whether or not you think the Universe is a great place out to support your highest good, or a dark, scary place out to thwart you at every step? These contrasting belief models are very significant to how you will experience your life, and whether or not you will be effective at creating the results you want…

You must do what it takes to accumulate enough knowledge to "get it." You need to operate with the information and skills that are necessary to win. Be prepared, tune in, find out how the game is played and play by the rules (or at least be real clear on what the rules are, and don’t complain if you choose to violate them and all of a sudden figure out there are consequences.) That’s not really a lot to ask. Is it?

Got questions?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Introduction to the 10 Life Laws...

For the past few days I have written about the Nine Principles of Conscious Living, originally put together by Bill Harris from the Centerpointe Institute. Over the past almost ten years, I have found that my understanding of those principles has deepened – and that I have achieved a degree of “fluency” in using the Principles to move through moments of being caught in anxiety, fear or indecision.

If we can reach the point where, when we’re feeling stuck – we can stop and ask ourselves, “What’s really happening here?” and try to move beyond our habitual inclination to think, “What SHOULD be happening here…” – (which isn’t helpful) – remembering to step outside of ourselves and use our “witness perspective”, the Principles provide a great reference point. These are wonderful tools or filters through which to see our experience of the world. That doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily the right tools, or perfect tools in every circumstance – but they are tools and my goal is to provide as many tools as possible. I have confidence that you know the tools best to use for your particular situation.

Back in late 2001 (or there abouts) when I started thinking about the role of a Life Coach seriously, I enrolled in a Coaching Training program run by Dr. Phil McGraw. I liked Phil’s simple wisdom, and ability to create quick moments of insight – and subsequent “break through moments” for people. This material, the 10 Life Laws, came from a very helpful book called Life Strategies – I loved the material and incorporated it into some classes I was teaching at the time.

Life Law #1 – You either get it or you don’t.

Life Law #2 – You create your own experience.

Life Law #3 – People do what works.

Life Law #4 – You can not change what you do not acknowledge.

Life Law #5 – Life Rewards Action.

Life Law #6 – There is no reality, only perception

Life Law #7 – Life is Managed, it’s not cured.

Life Law #8 – We teach people how to treat us.

Life Law #9 – There is power in forgiveness.

Life Law #10 – You have to name it before you can claim it.

Over the next couple of weeks I want to explore each of these “life laws” in some detail. I think these are a nice compliment to the Conscious Living Principles, and although there is some overlap – these have a slightly different flavor. I hope that you find them as helpful as I have over the past few years.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

That's pretty much what you'll find here too...

I have loved this story for years...and it has made an amazing difference in my life.

A long time ago, a man rode into a small town on horseback. He came up to the first person he saw, an old man sitting on his porch, and asked,

“What are the people like here in this town?”

The old man leaned back on his chair, looked off into the distance, and said,

“Well stranger, what were they like where you lived before?”

The traveler said, “Those folks were the meanest, angriest, lying, cheating folks you’d ever want to meet. Why do you think I packed up and left?”

“That’s pretty much what you’ll find here too,” said the old man, “ya’ might want to keep ridin’.”

The first rider left, and not ten minutes later another man rode up and asked the same question,

“What are the people like here in this town?”

Again, the man leaned back in his chair, looked out from under his hat towards the hazy mountain range in the distance, and asked,

“Well stranger, what were they like where you lived before?”

The traveler said, “Well, they were about as good as you’d ever expect to find anywhere, kind-hearted, good-natured, friendly, and generous. To tell you the truth, I hated to leave.”

The old man smiled and said, “That’s pretty much what you’ll find here too. You’ll love it here.”
Do we even begin to grasp how much our own filters and worldview colors our present reality? What would our life look like if we did?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Principle 9 - The Neutral Universe

There is a Zen story of a great enlightened master who, upon hearing of his own master's death, began to cry uncontrollably. His followers were shocked to see him cry. "Why are you crying? You're enlightened. You're supposed to be beyond suffering. What will people think?"

He composed himself as best he could, and turning to them he said, "What can I do? My eyes are crying. They are so sad that they will never again see this teacher I loved so much."

The Bible tells a similar story about Jesus, (John 11:35). Short and simply put. “Jesus wept.

Sorrow upon experiencing loss is a normal part of being human - even if we are an "enlightened" Master and supposedly not subject to desires and attachments and the suffering they can create. The "Four Noble Truths" of Buddhism point out that all life involves suffering, that suffering is caused by desire, or attachment, and that suffering can be ended by giving up attachment (the fourth Nobel Truth is the method of doing so).

The Four Nobel Truths are based on an obvious, often overlooked, but fundamental reality of human existence: all things exist "in time" and eventually pass away. It's pretty obvious that not getting what you want (or getting what you don't want) involves suffering, but it's equally true that getting what you want involves suffering. Why? Because the thing you wanted is, like everything else, transitory. This month you're Employee of the Month, but next month you aren't. You love playing with your baby daughter, but she will grow up. You are alive now, but someday you will die.

I vividly remember having my own awakening experience around this idea – I bought an especially delicious ice cream cone – and while I was eating the sweet and creamy ice cream off the top of the cone, I was in heaven. But when I'd eaten about half the ice cream, the realization hit me that this wonderful experience was going to end. While I certainly enjoyed the rest, the experience was definitely tainted by the fact that I knew the experience would soon be over. Even in the midst of my pleasure, I suffered.

The fact is, being overly attached to particular outcomes (like the ice cream cone lasting forever) causes pain and suffering. And yet, we are trained to believe that happiness is tied to specific events or, especially in our culture, to specific things. All around us are messages that connect positive emotions to things we do and own. The children playing with this year's hot toys are happy. The couple standing beside their new car are in love. The extended family sitting around the dinner table eating canned pasta sauce are united in their humor and affection. The women just given the diamond engagement ring is young and beautiful.

Because we live in a mass culture where meaning is centralized, we are used to having others interpret our lives for us. We have become passive observers of our own experience, waiting for other people to tell us what it means. Outside influences direct our attention to what we should care about and what we should strive for so often that the truth of our own power escapes us.

You Are The Author And The Artist

I want to suggest another idea. It's not original with me. It is basic to the transformational mystical teachings of most cultures (Buddhist, Hindu, Taoist, Zen, Native American, Sufi, and others). Instead of believing that there is an absolute value and meaning to reality, a "reality code" that young people learn to decipher, I want you to consider an alternative view:

As a conscious human being you give your world, and each event that happens, any and all the meaning it has. In Landmark Education human beings are referred to as “meaning making machines”. It’s just what we do.

There is no intrinsic meaning to anything. In most cases, we did not consciously choose these meanings we give to things. Rather, they were taught to us, according to the conventions of our culture and our family, when we were too small to know any better. The great news is that we could consciously choose these meanings if we wanted to, and that, in fact, is just what people who are continually happy and peaceful have learned to do.

This means, of course, that you are the creator of your own reality. In contrast to how you may have been conditioned to think, you assign meaning and significance (for most people, based on unconscious programming) to what happens to you and then, based on that meaning, choose (again, usually unconsciously) what your response will be.

This principle has a corollary: you will be able to make wise and resourceful choices to the extent that you live consciously rather than unconsciously. If you have become an automatic response mechanism, unthinkingly adopting those responses chosen for you by your cultural, societal, family, and species background, then your inner journey will be stalled. Your individuality and creativity will remain stillborn. What is more, you will spend a lot of time suffering.

If, on the other hand, you are able to wake up and become more aware of what moves and motivates you, you will see that you have picked up the paintbrush; you are painting the shapes of your feelings on that blank canvas. Because you are the artist and the author, you can paint anything you like. What you are painting is as ephemeral as anything else in life, but the lines your draw, the shapes you form, and the colors you choose are what give your life meaning. While we are all influenced by the cultural and personal settings in which we live, some people are able to become independent artists who can express the dictates of their own heart, and some become proponents of schools run by others.

The implications of living this way as a conscious being are staggering. Here is one of them: since you create the world you inhabit, pain and suffering really can be optional. Only when you acknowledge your role in your life – and understand your own power - is there the possibility of improving your situation or creating a different story. If you see yourself as a passive character who is acted upon by (and then reacts to) external forces you can neither understand nor control, then you become a helpless victim.

Along with this idea of self-agency comes another one. What is, is. You have some ability to change what is, but there are real limits to what you can do. Your power instead comes from how you respond to what is, not from misguided attempts to control what is. How things are for you is to a great extent the product of how you feel about what is happening - and how you feel is the result of the meaning you have placed on what is happening.

And most of the time, if you are living with conscious awareness, you will be happy and peaceful because you have consciously placed a meaning on what it happening that creates happiness and inner peace.

It is a very interesting exercise to stop whenever you feel other than happy and peaceful and ask yourself what meaning you have placed on the people or events that seem to be causing your suffering, and then to consider what meaning you could give things that would allow you to be happy. Are you so attached to a meaning that causes suffering that you are unwilling to let it go and change it to one that creates happiness and peace? If so, that is your choice, but do realize that it is a choice, not something thrust upon you.

This new meaning (the one leading to happiness) is no more real or intrinsic to the situation than the first meaning (the one leading to suffering). This is, again, because nothing has any intrinsic meaning. But if you're going to place a meaning on what is happening, which would you want, the happiness meaning, or the unhappiness meaning? It's your choice, though most people don't realize it's a choice.

This whole discussion, and the idea that you could really choose to be happy and peaceful, may sound very utopian and unrealistic to you. Becoming conscious enough to notice when you are suffering, to notice what meaning you have placed on a situation, and to consciously change that meaning, does not come easily. However, you need to know that it is very doable. Future blogs will include some more skills and techniques to achieve this end.

When I first bring up this idea, that nothing has any intrinsic meaning, people often think I'm saying life is "meaningless." That's not at all what I'm saying. Whatever meaning your life has now, you created it, whether you consciously realize it or not. The people and situations of your life did not come pre-packaged with meaning. You placed these meanings on things in your life, based on programming you for the most part did not choose. If you're ecstatically happy with your life and the meanings all the things in it have for you, terrific. If not, you could give everything in your life any meaning you want, at any time. Chalk all this up to “cool stuff to think about…” or maybe to try today. Keep me posted on how it’s working for you.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Principle 8 - Good/Bad Generalizations

It’s not news by this time that I am of the opinion that it is not necessary to live a life that contains suffering, and that there are definite ways to change your life from one containing suffering to one where you are happy and at least the majority of the time. Everyone is going to have moments of frustration, anger, annoyance, or a host of other potentially negative feelings, but our goal is to cultivate a life where those are definite exceptions rather than our “default setting” for life.

Also, no news to anyone that in my humble opinion, the way achieve a life of minimal (or at least greatly reduced) suffering is to cultivate the ability to let whatever happens be okay and to not resist "what is."

As I had to clarify in a conversation with Jason, one of my brightest prison buddies, this doesn't mean you're okay with injustice and suffering or don't do anything about them. It means you emotionally accept things the way they are and do not resist what is. Then, take what action you feel is appropriate in any given situation. You’re just not caught in the “this shouldn’t have happened” cycle.

Resisting what is - isn’t the same as deciding you want to change what is, and the difference is one of attachment to the outcome. The person who is attached to the outcome suffers if they do not get the outcome they want, whereas the happy, peaceful person prefers the outcome they want but are not attached to it. If the outcome they get is not what they wanted, they remain just as happy and peaceful as they were to begin with. Their happiness comes from within, and is not dependent on what goes on around them. Our inner state doesn’t depend on circumstances. Any circumstances.

Many people are not only unhappy as a result of what goes on in their life outside them, but are unhappy because of what goes on inside. These people aren’t happy with who they are. At the same time, their inside unhappiness helps create outside conditions that give them something to resist in their outer life. This is one way in which people "create their own universe." Unfortunately, this universe is not a happy one. On the other hand, you can always create a new one, at any time.

Based on our early life interactions with our primary care-givers, we all develop generalization about who we are and what our relationship is to the rest of the world. These generalizations (part of our "map" of reality) divide different aspects of ourselves, and qualities we may have, into two categories, those that we think are "good", or acceptable, and those we think are "bad" or unacceptable.

We don't choose these beliefs. We soak them up from our primary care-givers, our teachers, our religious traditions (this is a big one, even if you’re not religious) and from other influences (friends, relatives, the media, etc.) when we're too small to know any better. These beliefs become core components of the way we see ourselves, other people, and the world. Can you imagine that a whole religious system says you're born "bad" and in sin? Really, born that way? That strange and extremely unhelpful religious philosophy goes a long way in screwing up a lot of people.

This is critically important to your happiness, for two reasons. First, the brain is a goal seeking mechanism, and a very powerful one. Your brain can make whatever you put into it come true in your life. And second, because human beings have a powerful need for consistency between what they believe to be true and what really is true. As has been said, many people would much rather be right than be happy.

This means that regardless of how much what you believe is not representative of how things really are, or how much your beliefs result in misery for you, you will arrange to be right about them by creating the circumstances that seem to confirm that what you believe is true.

This is compounded by the fact that many of these beliefs, since they involve something about you being "bad", "defective", "not okay", "broken", "unacceptable", and so one, are too painful to hold in your conscious awareness and are therefore repressed into your unconscious mind, where they affect you all the time, but are out of sight. This means they are not available for conscious examination and change. That’s a scary thought in itself.

The other common way we deal with these parts of ourselves we think are unacceptable is to project them onto others (this results in extreme emotional reactions to others who exhibit the characteristics we believe are "bad" or unacceptable about us).

In many ways, emotional healing involves "unlearning" these old generalizations and making new, healthier ones. In reality, there is nothing about any of us that is innately bad. Since whatever you deeply believe comes true in reality, you could make a conscious choice to believe whatever would create a happy and peaceful life for yourself. Most people, however never take the reins and do this, instead adopting the victim posture made so popular in the last few decades.

Most people evaluate beliefs by whether or not they are "true" or "false." If it's "true" it's worth believing, if it's "false" it isn't. In my opinion, this true/false distinction is not useful, despite the fact that it seems so obvious. The useful way to evaluate beliefs is by whether they are resourceful or non-resourceful for you –(or helpful or non-helpful if you like) - by whether they create happiness and peace, or something else. Since whatever you deeply believe comes true, the only resourceful beliefs are those that contain an outcome you want.

The big secret is that you can CHOOSE what you want to believe -- you don't have to believe what seems true based on past experience.

I started a weight management program a few weeks ago designed by Jon Gabriel The Gabriel Method. Wonderful stuff and I have found it very helpful for me. In one of his introductory CD’s he talked about the number of people who have problems with their parents and how they were raised. Jon said that while he didn’t know, or especially care, whether reincarnation was “true” or not, he chose to believe that we picked the parents we were born to, and thus whatever happened to us as children was a lesson that we were somehow destined to learn. Whatever happened to us wasn’t a bad thing, but a foundation for lessons we needed to learn for our emotional, psychological and spiritual evolution. That’s a great example of a resourceful belief.

The first step is to find out what your un-resourceful beliefs are. One way to begin to do this is to complete the following sentences:

I am _______. People are _______. The world is _________.

What you want to identify are the things you say to yourself when you're really down about things, when you're feeling the worst. We are NOT looking for what you learned in self-help books -- those things you think you SHOULD believe about yourself. We are not looking for "I am one with everything." "The world is filled with abundance." "People are basically good." We're looking for what you really do believe about yourself, and say to yourself, about yourself, when things look darkest -- things like "I'm never going to be a success. No one will ever love me. There's something wrong with me. I can't seem to do anything right. People will take advantage of you if you don't watch them very carefully. Men always leave me in the end. No one cares about me. The world is dangerous and chaotic." And so on. You know, those things you say when you are really down about everything. These statements are big clues to what these negative core beliefs are.

One of my personal favorites to identify is our view on work…our belief that work somehow needs to be bad or unpleasant. Along the lines of the bumper sticker “I Owe, I Owe, so off to work I go…” Can you see how that’s a mindset that may keep you from ever doing something that both pays the bills and is enormously fun or enjoyable? Is it any wonder that you have had trouble “following your passion?” Another one is our view on money…the topic of another blog.

The second way to determine what these beliefs are is to look at what is happening in your life. Since what you believe manifests in reality, you can tell what a person's beliefs are just by looking at the results they get in their life. If you are having trouble sustaining a close or intimate relationships, somewhere there is a core belief about yourself and others that is manifesting this result in your life. If you are having trouble with prosperity, or health, or any other issue, you must have a belief about that subject that is manifesting in what actually happens to you.

When you look at other people who are getting better results, you can be sure the difference is that they have different, and more empowering, core beliefs on that subject.

These core beliefs are like our internal operating system – there are lots of individual applications (using a computer analogy here), but all have to reside within the frame work of a central operating system – MAC’s OS10, Vista, Windows 7, etc. Each “hosts” the applications we use daily in different ways. Does your operating system tell the applications you use that the world is a dangerous place out to “get” you, or a place of wonder and excitement out to “support” you in your dreams and endeavors?

Once you know what the various core beliefs you have are (and we're concerned with the negative beliefs here -- the positive ones, those that are giving you the results you want, don't need attention), the next step is to decide what would a more empowering, resourceful belief be?

Once you know this, you can begin to install the new way of thinking about yourself. Upgrade the old operating system to something more helpful…

To do this, you have to start telling yourself this new belief over and over, and wiping the old one out of your mind whenever it pops up. The only reason the old one seems true is that you have focused on it so much, which makes it play out in reality, which of course makes you focus on it more, which makes it play out...

Focus on this new belief. Do it while meditating, driving, cooking, shopping, etc., etc. It will bring up old and uncomfortable feelings as you focus on it, so be prepared for that -- the old belief will fight for its life. Don't let that bother you. Just keep focusing on what you want. Create a Technicolor movie of you getting just what you want, and feeling happy and satisfied by it -- the more vivid, the better. In addition to playing the movie during meditation, play it right before you go to sleep and right after waking up.

Most people who have had a significant (negative) emotional experience focus on what they don't want (ie, a repetition of the significant emotional experience, such as abandonment). They have a rule: "avoid "x" at all costs!" When you notice yourself focusing on what you do not want, change the focus to what you do want. Since your mind doesn't know when you focus on something that you do not want it (it always takes whatever you focus on as an instruction to go get something and bring it to you). To change your focus, which has been on automatic for a long time, takes practice, since the old way is on automatic. Allow yourself to go through the learning curve, which may take a while. Be patient with yourself. As Hyrum W. Smith, founder of the Franklin Institute says, “Results take time to measure.”

As I mentioned earlier, beliefs come true because we need consistency between what we believe and reality, and we will do anything to create this consistency. We create this consistency in 3 ways.

1) We get attracted to people and situations that confirm that the belief is true (ie, if you believe no one will ever really love you, you somehow feel this magical attraction to men/women who will leave, even though consciously you have no information about this aspect of who they are);

2) We hallucinate that the belief is true even if it isn't (i.e., you interpret behaviors potential partners may have as meaning they will leave, are leaving, have left, etc., even if that is not what it really means). In other words, we put a meaning on whatever happens that causes it to confirm, in our mind, that the belief is true; Landmark Education teaches us that we humans are “meaning making machines”. I agree.

3) we act in such a way that people finally comply and act in the way we feared they would act (you fear they will leave, and the ways you act because of that fear, finally cause the person to leave).

With all three, you get to be right about what you believe. But as they say, it's better to be happy than right.

This process of changing core beliefs can take several years to complete. Just identifying your core beliefs can take some time. Let it be okay that it takes time. Take it one step and one day at a time. Meditation greatly speeds up this process, because it helps you become more conscious and aware of what you are creating, and it takes the emotional charge off things in your life and allows you to look at things from a more dispassionate perspective (see the previous principle about being the “witness”).

However long this process takes, it is worth undertaking. What we're talking about here is the difference between being an unconscious automatic response mechanism. living out beliefs that create suffering, and a conscious being who chooses what to believe based on the kind of world they want to live in and therefore creates a life that is happy, peaceful, full of stimulating creativity, and well worth living.

You are already REALLY GOOD at creating what you believe and focus on. You may have not yet quite come to terms with the fact that ANYTHING you focus on and believe can happen for you. Most of what we focus on we did not choose. It was chosen for us when we were small and it runs on automatic. This is why I often refer to most people as being, for the most part, automatic response mechanisms. Now all you have to do is consciously change that focus to what you want and (since you're already good at getting what you focus on) you'll get it. Simple. Really.

Once these unconscious generalizations about yourself have become conscious and have been changed to what you choose for yourself, you are free.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Principle 7 - The Principle of Witnessing

Every day I talk (or write) to a lot of people about the stuff going on in their lives. The best feedback I have learned to give is to simply "watch what is happening -- watch with curiosity."

I have practiced my own “witness meditation” for some time and found it to be very beneficial in recognizing that I am not my thoughts, and I can emotionally separate myself from them when I find them going in a direction I do not find helpful or resourceful. That happens a lot.

Being the witness, the watcher, the observer, has been a part of meditative practice for centuries, but what exactly this really means is not often explained in a way that makes down to earth practical sense.

Resistance (to what is happening) is at the bottom of this understanding. If you are experiencing discomfort, resistance is at the bottom of it, not, however much you want it to be, whatever is actually happening. The external situation is triggering something in your map system and you are manifesting a pre-conditioned response.

If you are experiencing any emotional or psychological discomfort, it's because somewhere, on some level, there is resistance. Get used to that. To adopt a position of power, one in which you have control over your destiny, you must take full responsibility for whatever response you are creating to whatever is happening, to whatever stimuli you are faced with. If you cannot acknowledge that you are creating your response to everything that happens to you, you are helpless, a victim of your environment. Not a resourceful way to live.

Only when you take responsibility is there a possibility of doing something about your situation or creating something different. The main source, then, of both personal power and peace of mind is taking all responsibility for what happens (notice I didn't say "blame," I said "responsibility").

So, first, you must acknowledge that whatever is YOUR response. It comes from you, from who you are. Life provides the stimulus, you provide the response." Sometimes this response comes from an unconscious part of you, one you have little or no control over (or so it seems), but it nonetheless comes from you (rather from some force outside of you, regardless of the appearance).

Why would you create a negative response? Because a part of you is in resistance to whatever is happening. What, then, is happening, and why would you resist it?

Here's the answer: Some part of you is trying to reorganize, to change, but you associate keeping that part the way it is with your safety in the world and, at least unconsciously, you don't feel safe letting the change happen. That’s the simple and straightforward truth.

Perhaps you have stayed very self-contained since you were a small child, not letting anyone get close to you because, in your family, it wasn't safe to get close. But now something in your life is breaking up the old pattern and creating a new ability to be close, intimate, and connected with others. Consciously you may want this, but since letting go of the old defense mechanism feels unsafe to that "inner child" part, you resist. The more important this old way of being seems essential to your safety to that unconscious part of you, the greater the resistance will be. And the greater the resistance, the greater the discomfort, the greater the suffering.

Whatever the discomfort, whatever the upheaval, whatever the issue, some part of you -- some inner strategy that you associate with safety -- is trying to grow and evolve, and another part of you is not willing to let go. Psychologists call this state being “conflicted”. Ever feel like that? Can I hear an “Amen!”?

What can you do? Some people (those for whom resistance is a major tool in their survival arsenal, as is occasionally the case with me, at least around selective topics) just want to quit trying to change or grow – and give up. Here is where the concept of watching, witnessing, of being the observer, comes into play.

First of all, remember that the discomfort is not necessary. It is only there because of your resistance. It is NOT there because life is unfair -- or because of the situation you are in, or because of a host of other reasons. It is there because you don't feel safe changing and are therefore resisting the change.

Some very wise people (I like to call them Masters, and there are all kinds of them), over many centuries of slogging through their own personal mental, emotional, and spiritual change process, have discovered that if you can dissociate yourself to some degree from what is happening, if you can just step back and watch, the resistance diminishes and allows the change to take place -- without the discomfort.

Eureka! How totally cool is THAT!

All personal change approaches that actually work or are effective involve the creation of a greater awareness of what is happening, based on the fundamental principle that you can only continue behaviors and feelings that are self-destructive if you do them unconsciously -- without awareness. Most of us have very elaborate strategies designed to keep us unaware -- but there is a very simple way to defeat them.

If you step back the next time you are feeling any kind of discomfort and say to yourself "There I am, feeling angry" (or whatever) and then just notice yourself being angry. Any feeling you have will be a sensation in your body, so just notice where in your body you feel it. Notice if it stays the same or changes, if it stays in one place or moves around. Be curious. Pretend you are a scientist who has been searching the Amazon jungle for 20 years for a certain butterfly, and finally...here it is! How carefully and curiously would you watch? Bring that amount of curiosity to bear on whatever is happening for you in that moment. Be the watcher…

Notice that you cannot be a stuck in your suffering very effectively if a part of you is watching. If you are curious and watching, it becomes harder and harder to resist. Curiosity is on the opposite side of the fence from resistance, and without resistance you cannot create suffering. Once you are successfully watching, it becomes very obvious that you could make another choice of how to respond to whatever is happening.

One of the amazing things that happens if you practice this technique, is that this "watcher" becomes more and more prominent, more easy to summon when needed, and soon becomes a constant companion. This is the real beginnings of what mystics call "expanded awareness." From this point, expanded awareness grows even greater, to include an increased sense of connection with the rest of the universe -- but it begins with the simple ability to reserve a small part of you that just watches yourself and whatever is happening with detachment and curiosity.

The real answer to the question of what to do when you are resisting, but the resistance is unconscious, is to just watch. Stop fighting with yourself and just notice what is happening. Distress and discomfort fall away when you.

So if resistance is your middle name, please take very seriously the simple instruction to "watch with curiosity." It takes some practice and some will-power because the habit of resisting is deeply ingrained and very much an automatic response, but after some practice it will become an effortless part of you, your own personal "Prince of Peace" who will help you through any situation you encounter.

In any situation where you are uncomfortable, not matter what it is; you are resisting whatever is going on. To the degree you do that, you suffer. If you can step aside and watch yourself have whatever reaction you are having, you will find that there are other choices of how to respond, at which point you can pick the one you would like to have, rather than just be an automatic response mechanism who suffers every time a certain trigger happens. People who are spoken of as having "higher consciousness" or "expanded awareness" are those who have mastered this principle of witnessing. You can do it, too. Start practicing TODAY.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Principle 6 - The Principle of Conscious Change

When I first read these principles back in the late 90’s, as written by Bill Harris, director of Centerpointe Research – I was pretty blown away because they are so direct, insightful and applicable to my daily life.

I also recognized that while these principles were simple and straightforward, there were also a multitude of layers within each one. They can be implemented in a minute, or you can take a lifetime to understand and appreciate them. Now, after teaching them for several years (mostly in churches, recovery communities and the a state prison) and applying them very specifically in my own life through some challenging times, I even better appreciate their wisdom and value.

Remember learning to ride a bicycle? I used the “downhill” method. We lived on Meadow Street in Demarest, NJ – and there was a slight hill that went up a ways. I would walk my bike to the top of the hill, and then using gravity for momentum, ride down. It was easy to balance that way and after a couple of times, I completely got it. Yippee….

Tying my shoes? Another challenge until one day it just “clicked” and voila – there it was. These principles are the same as riding a bike or tying your shoe. They seem hard, but once you get it, they are easy -- and because of them, life becomes much easier. The best stuff we do is, in essence always easy. If something is hard or a challenge for you, you are doing something, consciously or unconsciously, to make it hard- and there may be some resistance there…

For so many people life is mostly bumps, bruises and suffering. From my perspective, it is easy to see how they are creating all of this, and also how they can stop creating it.

But for so many, life all just seems to be "happening" to them. They don't yet see that what happens comes from them, from their model of the world, from what they focus on, from their internal and external strategies for making each moment-by-moment decision.

Yesterday’s principle is an extremely important principle because until you take responsibility, until you realize that what happens (or at the very least your response to what happens) is coming from you and NOT from anything outside of you, you can't do anything about it. Once you take responsibility, though, you can take control and make things the way you want them.

The next step, once you accept personal responsibility, is to become more conscious. And here is where I get into my moment of indecision. How do I describe "conscious" to you? Everyone throws this term around as if they know what it means, but as I look around, it is not at all apparent to me that they do. Being conscious does NOT mean being politically correct, or following the Dalai Lama, or being aware of injustice, or even something like communicating with God or Jesus or spirit guides, or anything like that.

Being conscious means not operating as an automatic response mechanism. It means seeing what is happening, on all levels simultaneously, at every moment, and choosing an emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual response based on what is the most resourceful choice in that moment. I remember when I did The Forum (Landmark Education’s weekend program, based on the EST program) they talked about moments of awakening – moments of sleep – then awakening again, then sleep. And that’s a little what it’s like. We have moments where we wake up and are aware, then forget and get caught in the drama again. The goal, is to make those moments of awareness more frequent, and the “recovery time” (when we fall back asleep again) shorter.

Ultimately, it means doing all of this automatically, without conscious thought (there's a seeming contradiction! -- being conscious, but doing it automatically). A part of you learns to process all the possibilities in a split second and respond in just the right way – not with a preset response (which is what I mean by being an automatic response mechanism), but with a choice that is optimum for the situation.

Many people, unfortunately, are on automatic pilot. They have "rules" or set procedures for what to think, what to feel, and what to do in various situations -- rules or procedures they learned when they were too young to know any better -- and these responses happen automatically, like Pavlov's dog salivating when it hears the bell. Some of these responses were learned through physical or emotional pain, and are particularly deeply imbedded. Others are just things we accepted as true because our parents told us they were true over and over at an age when they seemed like infallible gods. We bought it, lock stock and barrel.

At the very least, many of these rules and procedures serve to help us deal with our anxiety, or overwhelm. We feel anxious so we withdraw, get angry, have a cigarette, eat, exercise, act silly, have a drink, talk too much, space out, have sex, tense up, buy something, watch TV, cry...or one of thousands of other behaviors or feelings. We don't choose to do them because they seemed to be the most resourceful thing we could do at the time. We just do them, automatically. Usually they are anything but resourceful. Often, they lead to drama, suffering, problems, and sadness.

A person who has done much of their life unconsciously doesn't know they are doing it, and you may not believe me when I tell you this is something you are probably doing, and doing quite a lot, if not all, of the time. It takes becoming more conscious to realize what you were doing.

I like to recommend that people be the watcher, just noticing yourself when you are having an uncomfortable feeling, when I say "just watch with curiosity," I am trying to get you to begin the process of becoming more conscious. To wake up as it were, and to do so with simple awareness – without judgment that your responses or reactions are right or wrong.

Here is the BIG BENEFIT of being more conscious: It is impossible to do something that isn't good for you, or is in some way non-resourceful (destructive) to you, and also do it consciously. You can do something destructive to yourself (feelings, beliefs, values, behaviors, etc.) over and over as long as you do it unconsciously (without continuous conscious awareness).

But once you begin to do the non-resourceful feeling, behavior, belief, value, etc. consciously, it will begin to fall away. You just cannot do something that isn’t good for you and also do it consciously.

The trick, of course, is to remain conscious, which seems really hard until you get it, and then it seems easy and you wonder why you ever thought it was hard. For this reason, as you unravel in your own life the mystery of what it means to be conscious, do not let yourself be discouraged. Keep going, keep trying, keep watching, and at some point you will turn around and no one will be holding the bicycle up and you'll be doing it and it will all make sense.

To become conscious, you must 1) identify your favorite ways of going unconscious, 2) be vigilant in noticing them, and 3) be committed to gradually facing ourselves from the perspective of the watcher instead of allowing ourselves to go unconscious. This means developing the ability to be the witness to what is happening, developing that part of you that can stand aside and notice what you are doing, feeling, or thinking, as you do it, watching without judgment or comment, just watching with curiosity, like a scientist.

Just watch – the drama can unfold around you, and you’re just watching it. At some point you will develop the capacity for maintaining peace in the middle of it all, because – hey, you’re just watching it happen. You don’t have to play. You don’t have to respond or react. (Unless you want to, of course, then respond or react consciously – and feel free to throw yourself into the game with gusto).

The benefit of this practice? You more closer to creating the “you” you know you can be, and that isn’t just a matter of luck, or fortune, or anything else outside of yourself. It’s just intentional choice. And oh my friend, what incredible freedom there is in intentional choice…